Posted in My Life Stories, Personal, Theatre, Women


On June 1st 2018 –

I called up my long term boyfriend to ask him to come over and see me to my apartment in Jakarta.

He usually come and visit me on Friday till Sunday.

But because of my brother has been staying with me recently, he cut the visitation short to only Saturday to Sunday.

Last Friday, I finally got the place to my self again because my brother is staying at my parents house in Bogor.

So I called him up and ask him to come over – like we used to.

We have been having quite busy weekends lately so we don’t really hang out or spent quality time like we normally do. So when I finally got my apt back again, I thought it’s a good opportunity for us to reconnect and really spent good quality time together like we used to.

The day before this call, I have been feeling very lonely and starting to question my relationship and the quality of our relationship so far with him – about how I am the pursuer of this relationship, how he always jokes / tease me about things that is not even funny and sometime it kind of hurt my feelings, how we always fight and I always ended up seeking attention from him and it’s always ends up with me telling him about death threats, suicide attempt, and all those bad impulses – just to get his attention or kind of make him pay / to see that he’s taking me for granted. I guess I’m just tired how I was always the one that asking him to hug or kiss or any kind of love affection first. Like he’s never be the leader of the relationship – like it seems it’s always me who makes the first move and after 13 years of continuous fights, death threats to him, suicide attempts, harsh words, him being passive and not taking any action, or him being putting himself first than me second – I guess, I finally drained up / give up.

If I am a flower or a well, then this flower is no longer blooming  / a well – it’s kind of dry.

Like I need water to fill me in again, I need his affections, attention, first move, leadership, initiative, to make me whole again –

Like I was so desperate looking for his attention even when I was sick – to saying things like ‘YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINK I JUST WANT TO DIE’ ‘SO YOU CAN FINALLY TAKE CARE OF ME WITHOUT ME ASKING ABOUT IT FIRST’ in front of public.

So then I realized, it is time to let him go – like I always fantasized to have more thoughtful partnership / boyfriend  like gentleman who really just care for me and love me deeply without me even asking him to do it.

I realized, it’s not healthy anymore – but at the same time – I do still love him and I believe that every committed relationship needs work – so yeah there’s that.

I feel like when it comes to being angry with him – I can be bipolar and dramatized about it a lot – so I’m not sure who’s to blame on this game.

So then I called – and he says that he is on a holiday but he cannot come to my place. I was upset about it because I realized that

  1. He didn’t tell me about it
  2. I’m not his priority
  3. I’m the one that need him – not the other way around
  4. I’m the one that always pursue / try to make this relationship works / the motor of the relationship
  5. I deserve better
  6. He is a bad influence to my life – like proscanate stuff
  7. I want someone who is able to lead me, challenge me, give me attention / love me without me even asking him to do it first
  8. He’s not honest with his life – like I don’t really know him that well turns out – like what’s his business, what’s the detail about him, why I can’t come to his house anymore, is he cheating on me again? like I don’t trust him anymore after he cheats on 2010, etc
  9. He says that he would come on Saturday morning – but I do know him really well – Saturday morning is Saturday afternoon to sore when he eventually arrive here.

So after he says that he can’t come and several other persuasion from me – he still can’t come and he won’t tell me why.

Then I became furious – and decided to break up with him.

It really hurts. This is like the last and third strike like I became really tired of all this vicious cycle.

like one day he’s great – then it started to become a season of greatness, season of hightened joy and happiness, and the season of neglect, season of super neglectaion, and eventually season of threatneing, and ended up of me being super manic depressive with him –

I can’t remember how many times I want to jump from my unit balcony when I was fighting with him – because I would just give up in facing him – he would be the one that stop me from it – i think i can count it like 7 times or so –

There are times where I can’t hold it anymore and I would just taking on my impulses and show him that I couldn’t care less about my life that I would just jump off from my balcony so he would feel the guilt – or be put in jail or I don’t know – finally realize that he is taking me for granted – just like he’s taking his mom for granted. – I mean just to prove a point.

There was also times – when he didn’t like my bald haircut that he threatens me to break up with me just because I am bold. I mean – hair does grows back right? and i cut it off because it was becoming unhealthy and i need to regrow it – lol

There was also times when I cried really bad emotionally that I shouted and the neighbor was calling the security guy and knock on my doors and asking us – if he hurt me or something

The scary thing about being with him – he is a nice guy – he is quiet in public – he is funny – but when he jokes or tease you around – he doesn’t realize that he hurt you. Theres this one time when he pinch my nose just for gemes / fun and I can hear it click – it didn’t broke – but i can’t breath properly after that – i went to my chiropractor to got it fix few weeks later – he didn’t realize that it does hurt and keep saying sorry but after that he just move on

What I don’t like is – his relationship with his phone. Oh Gawd, it’s like I’m the second girlfriend and he loves reading Facebook A LOT – he’s that social media creeper that doesn’t post anything but he’s there – I feel like I need to lock away his phone so he can put his attention in me.

So after that crazy emotional phone call – I just literary blocked him off everything so he couldn’t call me, text me, or lurking into my social media – i also put it online that I’m breaking off with him.

But it always saddens me when I realized that on Tuesday when he return my car from Bogor to Jakarta, we were fine and we hug, we did say goodbye and my heart was saying that was the last time I could be together with him – and played that over my head.

I started to cry and really feel the broken heart sting – on the heart over Fool’s Gold song by Niall Horan – lol

The break up was public but seriously the next day on 2nd June 2018 – he came to my apartment and we just hug like for long. I was just woken up and we just hug.

When we hug, I feel like the missing pieces of me returns back.

This is what I wanted to share and question and why I titled ‘Choices’


  1. Based on this story, whose to blame?
  2. I think I need to work with my self respect – so he can learn how to respect me
  3. I don’t think I want to marry him anymore – but then there’s this question of committed relationship on how you have to work through the bad times with your partner because relationship is not always bright and full of joy ?
  4. Love language – as long as we understand our love language – we were fine – but when we missed this out – we are not fine —- so is this means that our relationship is workable?
  5. People say that our relationship is toxic, that I should move on – question is – Am I Toxic or Is he toxic?
  6. I do like going to church with him – it feels weird when I’m alone going to church by my self
  7. He fills the gaps of my loneliness – I’m not really open to my personal stuff to people because I find that they will leave me / hate me behind once they know my weakness / idealism – this makes me feel like I’m not worthy of their companionship and one of the main reason why I don’t want to let my bf go – because I know once I let him go – he would become this MIA / untraceable person. – like he would just gone off forever even when he says that he would be my brother / best friend.
  8. I think i have issues with my mom. She’s like the missing puzzle of why I become like this – like i really need more of her time and communication without me trying to prove that I achieve something or in need of her validation so she won’t feel disappointed in me
  9. My bf has become a long time partner of mine – so it’s not the question of ‘you have to let him go’ or that teenage breakup – he’s been part of me ever since before my dearly oma gone and his mother gone
  10. I want to move on – but how? I still love him – or i can just say ‘I can still love you even I let go… ‘ that kind of qoute from 13 reason why….. 😀
  11. I always picture how my life without my bf now like when he passed away (touch wood) – how would i find my peace? am i going to be okay? are we still together? or he’s married to someone else that i was just his ex who attend his funeral or etc (touch wood)
  12. Is it wrong if i make choices to just stay with him BUT with me becoming less needy and independent like baby step – so he would realize that I also have value ? and letting him be the leader of the relationship? because I know this could happen too.
  13. At the end of the day, the only person who knows this kind of life is me, him, and Him.

so based on this case study or what I tell you – WHAT SHOULD I DO?

I know, typical right?




Posted in Inspirational, My Life Stories, Theatre, Women

Learning how to be a great leader.

It’s funny how God work sometimes in my life.

Screen Shot 2017-06-10 at 03.02.41Screen Shot 2017-06-10 at 03.27.21



I have this tendency of becoming a tyrant or an oppressed leader – where at the end people loses their respect to me because I’m just somehow becoming oppressed or selfish.

Honestly, I hate being like that. I valued others more and I want to learn to be better.

If people hate annoying person, then I’m that annoying person.

I mean all I mean is well but because I’m a concept maker not a good communicator – I lost their respect.

I can give you many great ideas but at the end somehow I asked people to do it – rather than me doing my ideas.   I mean i still do my ideas but I meant to delegate them to other people but somehow that would be wrong or oppressed.

I’m tired of becoming that person.

God created me with so many wonderful abilities, skills, creative ideas, talents, confidence, great looks, but somehow I have to fight my own tardiness, and all those negativity that comes behind me.

That would leave me to a way of ‘people will respected me and highly regard me then after a while they’re just tired of me’ – then leave me to ‘feeling unaccepted’ and ‘left out’ – these has been my life for many years – and I hate it.

‘I’m someone with great ideas and creative minds – but I’m lacking of emotional intelligence and somehow I really need to speak up about my negativity to others or my co-workers – so they know what to expect if one day I might break down.

or not up to par of what they expected of me.

I hate this and I don’t like it. At all. I hate being a tyrant and I don’t want to be one. I want to change and learning new steps that I have to take –

‘Conquering my own ego’

See, I’m my own worst enemy.

but I liked the fact that I never stop learning and that every single way God uses many ways to make me better.

Like the job that I have now.

I’m still new to this thing for them – even though I feel that I’m not really new to this business because I’ve been fangirling, stalking, crewing, and doing events for most of my life – but for them ‘I’m this new comer and I have to prove them that I can do it – and I’m up to their par.’

For some reason God give me this job that I always wanted – Artist liason. i love being it – and i feel that’s my purpose of why I was born.

But, on top of that, I have to work as a team. Even though I’m easily adaptable, but team work is like 5 ot 6 score for me – on the scale 1-10. That’s why at the beginning I said that its funny how God work sometimes.

I was this lonely kid – then He put me to this theatre group in church to expand my self and somehow from there I learned to be a team player.

And now with my current job, ‘I was this tyrant lady that likes to lead people then He put me to this new job that I liked and that somehow I have to learned how to be a good follower and listener.’

I’ve watched The Shack – from there I know how God works. He doesn’t want us to be stuck or feel stuck – but in order to move forward He put us into these life challenges or games so we can face it and win the race – and then moving forward.

I feel like I’m on the right track now – and I never feel more content in what I do. It’s like God finally put me in the job that suits me as a person AND at the same time He asks me to learn something new each day/each work/projects + learning to be a follower and a listener instead of being a leader or this tyrant person.

and I’m up for this challenge.

It’s gonna be hard – its never been easy.

But the outcome behind this in the future will be good.

I guess, “we never stop learning.”

Posted in Fangirling, LO, Theatre, Women

Working for Boyzlife. (From fangirl turned LO crew POV experience)

The idea of Boyzlife came on like in November 2016, where I propose the idea of their tour to my friend who is my boss who had a promotor organization called Full Color Party.

I sent him the youtube links and introduce him to the Boyzlife. I also tell my fellow fangirl friends about this idea to also speak about it to him.

6 months later, it finally came through.

I helped him from finding the airline sponsors, sales, marketing, and what I do best, hospitality.

As a Brian McFadden and Westlife fan, working for Boyzlife it’s fun and amazing at the same time.

They’re really easy going artist and really funny to be around. They love their fans and they’re in Indonesia because of their fans.

I’m really happy and fortunate that I got to serve my favorite artist. I’ve met Brian in Sydney before around 2013 like three times. Since then I haven’t meet him. I really love his talent and musician skills – Without I realize, I also have this same belief like Brian about life – that life is short – and we have to appreciate what we had and just live the moment.

I also have a McFaddenIndo official fan club for Brian that I run and managed with my fellow friends. We tried so hard to make Boyzlife happened because Brian is really rare for us to come to Indonesia. While Shane Filan is like so often that we joked he might become a WNI one day. LOL.


Even though I like Brian and his ‘true fan darling’ thing to him, but when I first welcomed him in Jakarta he didn’t recognize me until I showed him my picture where we met in Sydney back in 2013.

When I showed him that, he just ‘whoa your hair is so different!’ then went off on his own thing.

I feel privileged because I got to drive him around town after the concert. This is not because I want to, but because I have to. The driver can’t speak English and as part of hospitality team, one of our code of ethic is , we need to make the artist welcomed and comfortable. So yeah, because I speak English, we arranged it this way.

It was the most fun and awkward experience ever.  I got to share this experience with my team captain, N – and it was the most cherished experience that we will ever had together.

It’s hard to differentiate yourself that you are a super fan and also you are working for them. But I did it. I keep it professional even though I’m dying on the inside trying hard to just do the work and not thinking it as fans to their fav artist but thinking it like they’re just like us.

But when Brian sang Signs of the Times from Harry Styles as his warm up – and while we’re waiting for him to come down with us, my knees were weak and I just fell down and said it to my team captain, ‘WHYYY… HE SOUNDED SO GOOD.’ Both are my fav artist – but I did that falling down on my knees thing without the artist sees it tho. haha.

When he came out from Keith’s room, on their way to the concert, I said to him, ‘I like your Harry Styles jam. It was really good.’ He said, ‘Oh you did? Yeah, I like that song. It’s such a good song.’

Throughout my days with Boyzlife, I tried to keep it low profile and professional about my fangirl admiration towards Brian. I don’t know if he notices but I think my highlight as fangirl while working for him were:

  1. When God told me to asked him about his gig in Revesby when we start our conversation after the concert.–> “Brian, do you remember your gig in Revesby Workers Club in Sydney?” he’s like thinking it through and then he remembers ‘Revesby?” “No way!” “Yeah, I was there.” “Wait, let’s youtube ‘Brian McFadden Revesby Workers Club and what turned up!” The google result was my video and the rest of his gig at Revesby. He was so happy about it – as in it highlights his career of doing good cover songs technically with him.
  2. The WAZE driving experience – this was hilarious.
  3. At the airport, it was really early. He said ‘I’m so tired..’ then I offered him a hug. ‘do you …. need a hug?” then we hugged – quite long, like a comforting hug, then I told him ‘You are so tall’ because I had to kept on my toes every time we hugged, then he just took it off. lol.
  4. When we gave them a small elephant keychain.  I gave it to John, Keith, and to Brian. I told them, that these keychain is for your charm to wish you safe travels from us and it is from Bangkok. Then Brian asked, ‘When did you went to Bangkok?’ I said ‘Two weeks ago.” I wanted to give you guys these so you’ll remember us every time you see an elephant. – then he joked while puppet-ting the elephant he just received “Look at me, I’m the biggest elephant in the room.” and I just laughed.
  5. Lastly that still affected me until now, it’s the last hug and kisses at the airport. It might be just a normal kisses and hug from him for me – but for me the fact that he choses to kiss my cheek is always making me giggle – lol // This because I wanted to asked him about the twitter thing – he used to follow me on twitter and then unfollowed me because i told him about GPS thing / like he showed his location on twitter and I tweeted to turned it off ? – it kinda hurt me because it was hard to get his follow right – then I want to know why or tell him the meaning behind my tweet – i waited for 5 years for this – so before he took off at the airport – I asked him without wanting to bother him or something because for me his privacy are everything. “Brian…. (he looked at me) do you remember that you used to follow me on twitter, then you unfollowed me because of the GPS thing?.” He said,”Yep! I remember.” then went off to do his own thing.. it was awkward…. then I said again ‘Well, I just want to say…. that I meant it well’ – then he turned to me and smiled.

That twitter thing has left me unresolved because I still want to know why – but at that time it was important for me to let him know that I meant it well and no harm at all.

Then it was the time for us to say goodbye. Keith kissed my cheek and hugged me for soooooooo longgggggg… then up to John, the tour manager, we hugged and I got the kissed on the cheek.

Then it comes to Brian.

I wasn’t sure if he’d hugged me again because we hugged before and we just had our awkward moment … but then he opened his arms, hugged me tightly and he kissed me deeply on the cheek. I can feel his beard.

OH GOD – my heart was numb at that time, all I can think is “Pleasee… I wish someone recorded this or took picture of it lol… so i can look at it and see it again…” I guess my fangirling heart can’t pretend anymore – lol – despite I’m still trying to be professional still haha – especially during that moment when we sent them off –

So we hugged deeply and it was quite long. When we hugged, he chose to kissed my cheek. We normally just hugged – but this hug at the airport was special for me.

When we hugged, I said to him ‘See you soon. Safe travels.’ then we still hugged and after that we took it off together.

After the hug, I can still feel his beard on my cheek – lol.

That was special.

I talked about it to my fellow Brian fangirls, that know him more than me – I became Brian’s fans for like after he left Westlife – while my fellow fangirls liked him since he was in Westlife – so yeah they know him more than me- haha

I asked them the reason why Brian hugged me for so long especially after the awkward twitter thing – their answer made me giggle and understand him more – they said that when Brian hugged me – that means he knows I’m his loyal fans and that he appreciate me – he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore with the twitter thing – because it’s just twitter – the most important thing that he knows I’m his loyal fans.

I just melt … reading those. and thinking it again of what happened at the airport – I giggled and just really happy about it.

I kept smiling for this experience and I thank Jesus for this opportunity.

—- Links:

Boyzlife: Live in Jakarta (21 May 2017)

Welcoming Boyzlife to Jakarta !

brian and meM&G

Posted in Creative Writing, Fangirling, Inspirational, LO, My Life Stories, Women

As a music fan, I’m feelin’ blessed.

Can I just say that I’ve worked with/for AirSupply, Shane Filan, Keith Duffy, Brian McFadden and One Direction (kind of) personally?
#ThankYouJesus #NightReflection #FangirlGoals
Next Hospitality Team Goal:
– Harry Styles
– Niall Horan
– Ed Sheeran
– Liam Payne
– Westlife Reunion
I believe that throughout my work as hospitality team, God wants me to bring His mission / compassion / blessings through me to the artists that I served / helped. I believe that’s the ministry that God wants me to carry on for the Artist so they can see His love throughout my actions. 🙂
#ThankYouJesus #<3
Posted in Theatre, Women

I’m My Own Worse Enemy.

They say that if you are an artist, you don’t have to say it. People would know it.

You don’t have to say that you are it – that you are a writer, a producer, or a theatre practioner – because people will know it.

It’s like there’s this thin line between bragging / excused that you are an artist or a creative person for your certain antics but they also said that doesn’t mean you are it.

It’s been a heavy week for me really, or like a heavy years –

When I write something, a script or a poetry – I feel free – but at the same time I also feel like ‘I’m being judged’ by others – by my self ?

What if I’m not good enough? What if all this attributes that I’ve been saying online on my social media – that I’m a theatre artist doesn’t have the proof / the rights to say that because I haven’t produced like real work to the Indonesian Theatre?

God, I really want to. I saw Albert Camus play the other day with my Kelas Akting Salihara year playing it. When I saw that, I always pictured my self performing my own work in front of thousands of people – producing my own theatre company – having my own theatre studio.

God, I always have that in my mind. Theatre has been my home for so many years. I studied it, I served God’s ministry with it, I have all the skills and tools to create theatre and to contribute the Indonesian theatre scene here.

But there’s always these two things budging me:

Money / Running the business and My Self.

God, I hate my self. I was born as a leader but there’s some things that I really need to fix.

I hate when I started making excuses for my self, being lazy, or not being punctual to a class or something.

I also hate when people see me as this great Vania, with so many potential and skills, but when they got to know me more deeply, they started to back off / went away – because all those great qualities that they see in me starting to fading away when I reveal them my true self.

The egocentric, passionate, work tirelessly like a machine, a self dictator me.

They say I’m a bossy person – that when everything needs to be there, it needs to be there, no question asked.

I guess this is the reason why that I wasn’t comfortable enough to hang out or make friends in such a deep level because once they know my vurnelabilities, they will back off.

They will start making excuses like ‘I don’t think I’m wrong’ or that “I don’t want to listen to them” – while I mean well to them, I was honest, I opened my self up – but that’s where they start to back off.

I feel like there’s this trauma of me that when I’m around with new community or society, I would hang out just to have some fun with them, but after a while I would just back off before they found out my negativity, my vurnerability – and just be independent with my self.

And all of this – is like a vicious cycle. I would never stay in one community for so long, because I know once they found out about my negativity underneath that greatness of me, they would lose respect out of me and starting to hate me and talking about me behind my back.

And other things that I need to fight about:

My lateness. Gosh. I hate my self about this habit.

It’s been with me since I was a kid. No excuse, but I don’t like to wait on people – and it’s like there’s this false universe when I’m on time, everybody is late – but when I’m late everybody is on time. So the solution to that, I would normally measured, does the place / class / people that I go with are a punctual person. If yes, then I can be punctual – if they’re not – they I don’t want to wait on them.

I guess this need to stop. I feel like that memories when I was so excited about going to a music lesson when I was a kid and was so ready for it – then I have to wait on my dad for 2 hours that making me late – and it’s always that memory. I don’t want to blame my dad for it – he has done his best. But somehow that memory is still stuck with me.

Back to why I post this on my blog.

‘Am I a good writer?’

‘Or I’m just making that title to make my self feel better?’

‘I’m not really into reading, but I could try?’

What I know, since I was a kid, I was always like to write and make grafitti on the wall – and I still does that.

Is that making me a writer ? or a planner?

Why am I here on earth?

When I’m useful to people, when God use me for His purpose/ His tools towards others, I feel so extremely happy – like I fulfilled that purpose?

Like that time when I helped my friend with his marriage – I love that?

I love that somehow my coaching, my technique, my writing, my theatre, my advices are useful to people?

‘Am I an artist?’

‘How do I saved money so I can have my own play produced? My own theatre company?’

Why I am contemplting about my life right now?

‘It’s like I have everything, I have every tools, network, support, but I’m lost? Like I’m afraid to move forward because I know that I would have to face the negative side of me that people somehow will see?’

‘Am I good leader?’

‘Can I make a difference in this world? In people’s life? In my friends life?’


‘Am I ruining them?’

It’s like I have every tools, every support that I can get, but in order to get that success or to make my self happy – I have to fight with my laziness / lateness / or that negative side of me ?

And they also said that people who have success is the people who have good relationship or listens to their parents not fighting them?

Gosh, I have so many issues now that just come to the surface.

I think I have good relationship with my parents

Or is it?

I always feel that I’m this unique kid – one of a kind – who doesn’t like being the same as others – and sometimes in my darkest hour – I always feel that I’m this black sheep of my family?

I mean, C’mon – I’m like almost 30 but I’m not financially independent yet? I’m still hanging on to my parents??

What Kind of A Child I AM?

and one more thing, there’s this sense where I can’t be consistently good enough in doing what I do because I’d always running off a fuel because I was so eager to get it done the first time with full speed, with full energy, and then after a while my goodness or energy went down and I became my own worse enemy / I become the opposite of goodness?

There’s also this power / this ability to predict what would happen if they didn’t do it my way – because there’s always this six sense / intuition that would happen and I would know and when I try to tell them or to have them avoid it – I can’t explain why and they ended up making that mistake while I’ve already try to tell them that would happen?

It’s like there’s so many things that i would know in advance but people wouldn’t want to hear me until it happened? I guess that’s the reason why I can’t just be relax, and  that they have to do it my way, because my way is always better / perfect ? – and it’s like when they didn’t do it – or missing something – even it’s just a small portion – I would feel that’s because of I’m not there?

Again, back to being useful for others.

And sometimes, A HELL LOT OF TIMES – I was so kind, like a caregiver, I care about others more than I should – they would use me for their advantage? and I kept losing and losing and losing into that trauma – into that vicious cycle again – and GOSH, I LOATHE FAKERY.

I hate fake and toxic people – they belong in hell.


Why? because I’ve opened up my self to them, I’ve been true everytime to them, and they’re just hiding underneath that mask – and said okay in front of me – but behind my back they’re just fake? or talking about me behind my back?

What did I do that make them turned me in like that?

They used me, they spread negative words about me, and they think they know me and my struggles, but they don’t???

God, i hate my self. and I hate fake people.


Posted in Fangirling, My Life Stories, Women

How Being a Fangirl Saved You

I guess it’s not being the fangirl of an artist part that saved me because I believe in Christ Jesus and my faith teaches that we can’t served / worship idols in a way tht we worship our Idols like some kind of God or something.

But I wanted to point out that sometimes during though times – like desperations or even suicidal thoughts – God reminded me on how He wanted to use me to bless others in this case using my talent in production / theatre.

Every time I stalked my fav celebs, I always said to Him, ‘Use me for your glory. Help me in meeting them so I can be the extension of Your Hands to this artist.’ – Because guess what, Celebs are humans. 😀

People might say, ‘How lucky you are!’

When I met their fave celebs but I wanted to say ‘It’s not just luck. If God wanted you to meet them for a purpose, then He will help us. He will let us know where they are and perhaps, somehow we were just bumping into them.’

Like my story with Shane Filan from Westlife.

He was my first crush – my first fangirling moment – it drove me to learn English faster than ever so when I met them, I can communicate with them properly.

I still remember how desperate I was in meeting him. I remember talking about it with my late grandma – I begged her to pray for me – so that I can meet him – with his picture in my hand – we began to pray.

She cried and begged God, so that I can meet Shane. I was in grade 5 back then. She literary prayed it hard.

As a result of that, God said YES YES YES.

I met Shane during their third visit to Indonesia somewhere in a hotel room in 2007 – that’s where I met my fangirling friend, Ivy -who still got in touch with me until now. (See, how God just have another plan more than you could wished for?)

Neither that i know, years later, in 2016 (December) 0 God has another plan for me.

Shane was coming back to Indonesia – this time to  Manado.

One of my colleague was his booking agent and I offered him my help / assistance.

Turns out God has planned this AHEAD of me – since that prayer in 2001.

In Manado, my colleague approves and needs my help in assisting Shane during his times in Manado. I was his door man, private dining room organizer, his assistant, hi LO – I was inside the lift together with him and his manager – like literary ALONE – just the three of us.

I was also able to tell him that I was in Croke Park during his farewell tour. That was awesome. He was like ‘Whoa.’ Yeah, that was special. He dozed back to that memories. It meant a lot for him.

I gained his trust and his manager trust to assist him in Indonesia / during his stay in Manado and was able proof that I’m not just his fangirl but I can also work professionally and able to distance my self from being his fans to professional crew.

I was always wanted to be a LO / hospitality team for the artist during  concert.

And that dream come true, and begin to reveal in front of my eyes.

I also got the chance to hug him just before he went inside the Garuda plane – lol.

None of this would happen if I gave up my life to my suicidal thoughts.

None of this (me being Shane’s crew or even One Direction ‘sound crew’) if I gave up my life.

All of these ‘Lucky’ fan experiences happened because GOD HAS PLANNED IT FOR US – AHEAD. FOR OUR OWN GOODNESS! FOR OUR OWN PURPOSES on this earth to serve God and to bless others with our experiences!

I guess I could say,

“Fan ship saves me a bit BUT THAT’S BECAUSE God use it as a tool to remind me during my desperate / suicidal times / thoughts that:

“I can’t die now, I need to live on – to experience my next fangirl-ing moment / journey ahead that God has in store for me and I don’t want to missed it!! I have to LIVE!”


Posted in Inspirational, My Life Stories, Women

Women and Budgeting

It began with a shopping list.

I walked around my apartment and see what hygiene products were currently run out and needed of a replacement.

and what items that I need to buy that I couldn’t buy previously because I was on a tight budget.

Because now I have money. Not to brag, but having money more than you need after living on a tight budget its a luxury plus its also a trap.

It’s a trap because now you are thinking ‘Oh, now I can spend them on whatever I want, or longing so far.’

and it’s also an illusion – you are playing that mind trick of having loads of money more than you need and you think that you are somekind of rich gal but you don’t know when is your next income will be because you were just forcedfully resigned by your previous company despite of how hard and diligent you work.


So yeah, there’s an urge in me of doing something. But I don’t want to do it. Even tho, I made the list.

the list to go and buy these lists at the nearest supermarket nearby my apartment.

There’s also a sense of ‘I don’t want to go because I might have lose all that hard earned money I got from assisting artist for the past weeks.’ but if I didn’t go, there’s nothing to do.

As in, I would just stay in the apartment, watching movies and all, and not spent my money at all.

But there’s also a sense of – I need to go because I need this soap, that facial cream, that tissue, and so on.

So there I go.

My plan was go to the supermarket, get that jumpsuit, and go home.

But no, I was stuck in the supermarket, contempleting between things that I wanted to buy or need to buy and so on.

I was there for HOURS.

I’m not gonna lie, I loved it there.

Putting things inside my shopping cart without thinking how much it cost and so on –

Restocking my rare conditioners inside that shopping cart – etc

Then there’s this time that I need to go to the cashier to pay for everything.

I realized that I took so much.

More than I need.

It’s making me realize how important planning and budgeting is – if you go to the supermarket.

Especially the big ones – where you can shop everything under one roof.

So I found a neck pillow – it was discounted and I’ve been longing for this pillow for quite sometimes.

Then I also found a mop/broom that I could use to clean up my apartment.

The rest was just tissues, fruits, soaps, etc.

It cost me like almost 90% of my paycheck.

I was confused.

Have you had that moment when you don’t want to buy but you know you need them and it can help you have that better life?

Yeah, that moment.

I had that – so I thought – Whatever, it’s my money – I can do whatever I want with it.

So yeah, there it was –

Me, no budgeting, and uncategorized money = REGRETS —


I woke up the next day – regretting everything – even though I know I’ll use them and it’s not a waste of money – but still – I can do so much more than just buying toiletries stuff for my personal hygiene.

Even tho it’s restocking – but still, I can gained so much more if I invested that money somewhere else and only buy the things that I need.

Anyways, women and budgeting. It’s good until you gave up and just don’t care about how much you spent at all.

Till you wake up the next day.


Happy International Womens day everyone !

Please don’t be like me when it comes to your money and always stay on your budget !