6 january 2019 – 7:49AM
I dreamed about
I was walking with Benefict Cumberbatch to a place whic looks like a fire station..
we met a paparazzi named Ignam, an italian who gave me his name card.. i introduce my self as Vania and Benedict introduce me to him as ‘She’s my assistant’ (before this, I wasn’t sure what I am) then Ignam said “Pleasure to meet you Vania. Here’s my name card.”
Before the name card thing happen:
Ignam came and tell Benedict:
“It’s done.. you can go in”
I was thinking about why and trying to find the reasons cuz lots of it doesn’t make any sense
Then Benedict take me up to inside the fire station building – brown stairs – before that he said “There you go, you’re my assistant now” – in which point i said “Thank you so much”
And then we went up to a property office… at the stairs B took a lot of pictures with his Iphone.. and i was holding an Instax camera … and I also found out that Benedict owns the office ….
In here he told me a good piece of advice:
“ you have to focus on the what. Not the why? Therefore you are focused on the task, not the perimeter of it. So many successful people doing it, on focus on the what. / the task – and that’s their key to success because they don’t meddle around on the why’s / other people businesses. They’re just focus on the what.”
I see.. thanks so much for the advice – and i try to take pics with him with the instax but the instax has run out of ink
And then I woke up.
It’s funny how God work sometimes in my life.
I have this tendency of becoming a tyrant or an oppressed leader – where at the end people loses their respect to me because I’m just somehow becoming oppressed or selfish.
Honestly, I hate being like that. I valued others more and I want to learn to be better.
If people hate annoying person, then I’m that annoying person.
I mean all I mean is well but because I’m a concept maker not a good communicator – I lost their respect.
I can give you many great ideas but at the end somehow I asked people to do it – rather than me doing my ideas. I mean i still do my ideas but I meant to delegate them to other people but somehow that would be wrong or oppressed.
I’m tired of becoming that person.
God created me with so many wonderful abilities, skills, creative ideas, talents, confidence, great looks, but somehow I have to fight my own tardiness, and all those negativity that comes behind me.
That would leave me to a way of ‘people will respected me and highly regard me then after a while they’re just tired of me’ – then leave me to ‘feeling unaccepted’ and ‘left out’ – these has been my life for many years – and I hate it.
‘I’m someone with great ideas and creative minds – but I’m lacking of emotional intelligence and somehow I really need to speak up about my negativity to others or my co-workers – so they know what to expect if one day I might break down.
or not up to par of what they expected of me.
I hate this and I don’t like it. At all. I hate being a tyrant and I don’t want to be one. I want to change and learning new steps that I have to take –
‘Conquering my own ego’
See, I’m my own worst enemy.
but I liked the fact that I never stop learning and that every single way God uses many ways to make me better.
Like the job that I have now.
I’m still new to this thing for them – even though I feel that I’m not really new to this business because I’ve been fangirling, stalking, crewing, and doing events for most of my life – but for them ‘I’m this new comer and I have to prove them that I can do it – and I’m up to their par.’
For some reason God give me this job that I always wanted – Artist liason. i love being it – and i feel that’s my purpose of why I was born.
But, on top of that, I have to work as a team. Even though I’m easily adaptable, but team work is like 5 ot 6 score for me – on the scale 1-10. That’s why at the beginning I said that its funny how God work sometimes.
I was this lonely kid – then He put me to this theatre group in church to expand my self and somehow from there I learned to be a team player.
And now with my current job, ‘I was this tyrant lady that likes to lead people then He put me to this new job that I liked and that somehow I have to learned how to be a good follower and listener.’
I’ve watched The Shack – from there I know how God works. He doesn’t want us to be stuck or feel stuck – but in order to move forward He put us into these life challenges or games so we can face it and win the race – and then moving forward.
I feel like I’m on the right track now – and I never feel more content in what I do. It’s like God finally put me in the job that suits me as a person AND at the same time He asks me to learn something new each day/each work/projects + learning to be a follower and a listener instead of being a leader or this tyrant person.
and I’m up for this challenge.
It’s gonna be hard – its never been easy.
But the outcome behind this in the future will be good.
I guess, “we never stop learning.”
It began with a shopping list.
and what items that I need to buy that I couldn’t buy previously because I was on a tight budget.
Because now I have money. Not to brag, but having money more than you need after living on a tight budget its a luxury plus its also a trap.
It’s a trap because now you are thinking ‘Oh, now I can spend them on whatever I want, or longing so far.’
and it’s also an illusion – you are playing that mind trick of having loads of money more than you need and you think that you are somekind of rich gal but you don’t know when is your next income will be because you were just forcedfully resigned by your previous company despite of how hard and diligent you work.
So yeah, there’s an urge in me of doing something. But I don’t want to do it. Even tho, I made the list.
the list to go and buy these lists at the nearest supermarket nearby my apartment.
There’s also a sense of ‘I don’t want to go because I might have lose all that hard earned money I got from assisting artist for the past weeks.’ but if I didn’t go, there’s nothing to do.
As in, I would just stay in the apartment, watching movies and all, and not spent my money at all.
But there’s also a sense of – I need to go because I need this soap, that facial cream, that tissue, and so on.
So there I go.
My plan was go to the supermarket, get that jumpsuit, and go home.
But no, I was stuck in the supermarket, contempleting between things that I wanted to buy or need to buy and so on.
I was there for HOURS.
I’m not gonna lie, I loved it there.
Putting things inside my shopping cart without thinking how much it cost and so on –
Restocking my rare conditioners inside that shopping cart – etc
Then there’s this time that I need to go to the cashier to pay for everything.
I realized that I took so much.
More than I need.
It’s making me realize how important planning and budgeting is – if you go to the supermarket.
Especially the big ones – where you can shop everything under one roof.
So I found a neck pillow – it was discounted and I’ve been longing for this pillow for quite sometimes.
Then I also found a mop/broom that I could use to clean up my apartment.
The rest was just tissues, fruits, soaps, etc.
It cost me like almost 90% of my paycheck.
I was confused.
Have you had that moment when you don’t want to buy but you know you need them and it can help you have that better life?
Yeah, that moment.
I had that – so I thought – Whatever, it’s my money – I can do whatever I want with it.
So yeah, there it was –
Me, no budgeting, and uncategorized money = REGRETS —
I woke up the next day – regretting everything – even though I know I’ll use them and it’s not a waste of money – but still – I can do so much more than just buying toiletries stuff for my personal hygiene.
Even tho it’s restocking – but still, I can gained so much more if I invested that money somewhere else and only buy the things that I need.
Anyways, women and budgeting. It’s good until you gave up and just don’t care about how much you spent at all.
Till you wake up the next day.
Happy International Womens day everyone !
Please don’t be like me when it comes to your money and always stay on your budget !
Behind the scene of this story: I am seriously in awe of what God has written for me. I never thought I will finally able to serve Him through me being the LO or a Stage Manager. Never alone imagining that I would be here now, taking this pic, serving Air Supply / Graham and Russell, yet alone having that huge responsibility of driving the artist twice from the airport to the venue, got smooch twice from the artist and most importantly they are happy with our service. Weeks ago I was being forcefully resigned as ASM at my old office, if I choose to stay angry or dwelling with whats wrong and not moving forward, I would never have found my KIND of people, being surrounded by legends, and being trusted to serve them and use all that I got that God has given me for this opportunity. I love serving, i love helping, i love arranging dressing rooms, i love everything about production / concert / artist. I always wanted to be a LO, now that I am free, I’m looking forward 4 what God has written for me.
I’m still amazed by how God does His wonders where we wait faithfully on Him.
I never imagined in my whole life that I would be the LO for Air Supply – let alone being able to drive them around in Jakarta and being trusted??
I always wanted to be the LO or part of hospitality team.
and here I was.
Everything happens for a reason.
I believe that.
During this week where I was the LO for Air Supply – made me think loads of things that happened in the past.
Like, learning how to drive properly. How to park backwards, driving in reverse mode, was an Uber driver, and so on.
It all make sense. I remember when I wasn’t good at driving, I remember that my dad used to be afraid of me driving his car or even my own car -and because I was nekad, I finally able to drive using my instinct and here I was driving the artist from their hotel to the venue.
That seemed small but I was so nervous and kept praying about it that day.
Fortunately, everything went well and smoothly. Tho there were bumping roads here there and everywhere lol
But I’m okay, the artist was okay –
Long story short, our aim as the hospitality team was to make the artist and the band happy – which is for me that’s really easy – because I love helping, I love caring for people. So you can say, this LO job is for me. 😀
The concert went well, the artist and the band was extremely happy with our services.
After the concert, the LO team got the opportunity to take pic with the artist – and Russell was like, Thank you ! Can I have a smooch? – I said, sure! and I was hugging the artists, they were saying that I’m a good girl- LOL -okay…
I got two smooches from Russell that night – lol.
I wasn’t a big fan of Air supply before tho I sung their song occasionally, but now I do ! 😀
So yeah, that’s my story.
Behind those disappointment – you have to remember that your life is MOVING FORWARD – NOT BACKWARDS.
I thanked Jesus through Full Color Entertainment for this opportunity and I’m looking forward for more!
#ThankYouJESUS #LO #SM #HospitalityTeam
It’s been a while since I last wrote this blog.
It’s been tricky that I love to write but I don’t like to read.
It’s also been a chapter or season in my life that is now closed.
I’ve met some fantastic people there.
I love doing it soo much that I gave it all – that I gave everything till I was just falling apart and drained out.
It’s also so weird that two nights before I was just saying things to God
‘God, I love this job. But I’m also drained out. I can’t work like this anymore. There’s a lot toxic people there now. I’ve did it all. I tried to deal with everything that I feel it’s still under the umbrella of me as a stage manager. I’ve put it all until it becomes too much.
I moved to my current apartment now because of this job. I love where I’m staying now actually.
I’m sorry that if You feel that I wasn’t thankful. But now, I can’t process anything.’
The company that I love working, that they’re saying loyalty, that they’re saying its not about itung2an, and somehow now we all have to follow specific procedures, and etc.
I got terminated, but they don’t want to fired me.
I got forcefully to resign and give them my resignation letter but turns out they already continue to want me out just before the show starts to roll on.
I went in today and it seems everything is okay.
It was so bizarre that the night before I was saying the exact same words – and now it’s happening in front of me.
I am really tired, exhausted, drained. and I need a break.
I think God sees that.
Physically / mentally, I’m not okay for this.
I love my job, I love doing what I do – as a stage manager – and I didn’t get a chance to learn ! It’s ridiculous !
Everything about this it’s just silly.
Now, I don’t know what to do with my self anymore.
I should live in a cave.
Where I create my own world.
Without interruptions or trying to fit in for other people.
Why should I change my self while everybody its just caring of what their own problems. ??
or their own trick?
I’m writing this blog post in reaction to what happened to me today at the church that I just attended for three months. It’s too soon maybe to judged but this post it’s not about judging them, but questioning either or not they did what Jesus teach for us / His messages for us in this earth.
Just recently, I got news to join an auditon for a PA ministry and was so excited to join their performing arts ministry audition. I thought, with what I got – the skills, the talent, the experience in the ministry they would be thrilled to accept me and join their team. I was so eager to serve Him again through drama ministry. I’ve been longed to do the ministry again after quite sometime off.
I’d normally attend the church service at 15:30pm – but because the audition is on today at 14:30 PM – I’m committed to join their third church service at 12:45nn – and I was early! I thought that they would start at 11:45 but turns out I was early. They talked about “Salt of the Earth.” – how to become the influencer in this world. and so on. We also received a holy communion. They sing my favorite songs. I remember when the church service has ended, I felt joy and positive to face the rest of my week.
Again, I was super hyped and confident that I would nailed the audition for their PA ministry and it meant something for me.
Drama ministry has been always my thing. My passion. The reason why I studied Theatre. It’s what I live and breath with. So when there’s finally a chance to do it – in a good church that actually supports its ministry, that passionate fire burns within me and I was so excited by it.
I thought “I got this, with all the skills – talents – experience – and everything – I’m pretty sure I will get in. ”
Tho, I know there’s one of their requirements that require all applicant to finished all the church classes before joining them. –> I ignored this, I thought I could join the class while serving Him through the PA ministry. I also thought that I join one of their small community group would helped me be accepted in their ministry.
With that thought in mind, I kept calming my self to not be arrogant and to stay humble as it is. I know that I got this. I know that my experience will thrive and will get me into a successful audition.
Long story short, they called my name. I got in, and I introduce my self.
‘Hi, my name is Vania.’
One of them read what I fill at the forms. They asked, “What is BA Dramatic Arts?” in Bahasa of course
I explain to them that BA Dramatic arts equals to a degree, a S1 Degree – and that I actually got a degree in Drama – in theatre – but it came across to me that they don’t understand that ? – then they asked me – “Oh, so you are in theatre. Is it performance?” “Yeah, but I do both, Performance and Production, either way, I’m cool.”
then they asked me to act as a new servant in Bahasa and asked me to introduce my short profile, my name, my birthday, my phone number etc. – I did that. then they asked me to be a Jutek angry overpowering person – and I became just that – then they asked me to say things in Bataknese – I tried but I need to learn the language first – i said to them – They asked me to sing as well thou I explain to them that I don’t have the perfect voice – but then I sing to them as well.
then they asked me to become an evil witch in English – then in Bahasa – I did just that.
The review that I got from one of the panel was – “It’s seems that it’s natural for you to speak in English. But you can’t speak in Bahasa.” and then I said to them “Well, I speak both. Because I studied in Sydney and normally that conducts in English, I have to speak and pronounce well in English. But I can do both. – for dialect wise, I can study it if you asked me to do it in Bahasa with a dialect.”
then the other panel asked me about my involvement in the church
“Kamu baru join date September 2016 ya?” “Kamu belom pernah ikutan kelas2 kita ya?” “Salah satu syarat untuk join PA ministry adalah kamu harus lulus dulu kelas kelas ini. Menjadikan gereja kita sebagai darah daging kamu dulu, then kamu baru bisa join ministry ini. ”
It came across to me that they don’t know that I’ve been serving in Drama Ministry for 10 years, and that I know things and two about serving God. It also came across to me that I’m new to the ministry – or their type of ministry. It also came across to me that I have to wait for the next batch of audition until I finished all those three classes. It also came across to me that they want me there but they also have the particular standard of their church that they have to follow – that I have to join the classes and finished all those classes first then I can finally join and serve God with their ministry.
I stood there and cried.
in front of them.
Like I don’t want to cry but because this audition meant so much for me. I missed serving Him through drama ministry. I missed it so much. And I was sooo eager that gue sampe bela2in buat datang ke gereja jam segitu gak pake telat (yang biasanya telat) demi audisi itu.
I explained to them, that I served Him in drama ministry for 10 years, I also served in Hillsong for three years as one of the tv and backstage crew for Hillsong conference.
but they kept insists that I can’t join them because I haven’t finished all those classes and because I’m still new to the church.
THIS HURTS ME.
BECAUSE I KNOW, IF JESUS KNOWS ABOUT THIS, I’M PRETTY SURE HE’S GOING TO BE MAD AND ANGRY ABOUT THIS.
I thought that I can join their PA Ministry and become active in the church and also joining their classes too alongside with this ministry – but yeah the answer still no.
I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS.
THE FIRST TIME EVER, I WAS REJECTED TO SERVE GOD THROUGH MY TALENT BECAUSE I AM STILL NEW TO THE CHURCH – WHILE MY HEART IS ALREADY WILLING TO GIVE IT ALL TO THIS CHURCH – BUT YET, THEY REJECTED ME.
Before I left the panel, I said it to them, well I don’t know if maybe there’s next time? I don’t know where God put me next. But maybe if God wants me here – He wants me here so you know .
Then I just left.
I never cried so badly like that – I said to them “Sorry, I didn’t meant to cry. It’s just this meant a lot for me. It’s been hard to find a good church that I could grow and I finally found a good church here and I want to serve Him – but yeah, maybe it’s not my timing now.” – So I left the room immediately, even though I know they still want me there – like they said, “Don’t take it as you can’t serve here. It’s just we have a standard – we have a church standard that we have to accomplished and fulfilled – before you can join us in the ministry. You can join us next batch – We will accept you then.”
MY QUESTION IS – WILL JESUS SAID THIS TO ME TODAY? IS IT A JESUS STANDARD? OR IS IT JUST YOUR EXCLUSIVITY ?!?
Because I have experience what a very good church standard its like. I’ve experienced a church culture that everybody is welcome – That Jesus is the centre of everything – that church has become my home – and maybe part of me crying was because – I’m longing. I’m longing to go back to that church that I called Home. and that rejection made me realize how much I missed Hillsong and it’s culture. And how much I can’t replace it with any of the church here in Jakarta / Indonesia – because every church culture is different – even to those so called Hillsong network church – they have different approach.
That church was talking about “Influence” but is it all just word by word – not words turns into action ?
“I NEVER EXPERIENCED THAT I WAS REJECTED NOT BECAUSE OF MY SKILLS OR MY EXPERIENCE OR MY TALENT BUT BECAUSE I WAS NEW TO THAT CHURCH. THE CHURCH THAT I WAS SO READY TO GIVE IT MY ALL – MY TIME, MY ROOTS, MY SERVICE – BUT YET, THEY REJECTED ME AND TOLD ME THAT I WASN’T MENDARAH DAGING ENOUGH TO JOIN THEIR MINISTRY.”
WOW. JUST WOW.
I don’t want to judged, but WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?
SOMETIMES, AS CHRISTIANS WE FORGOT THAT JESUS IS NOT ABOUT EXCLUSIVITY – JESUS IS ABOUT LOVE – HE LOVES EVERYONE AND HE DOES NOT EXCLUDE HIMSELF TO THOSE THAT ARE NEW TO HIM – OR EVEN TO US AS SINNERS– HE DIED FOR US ?!
“WHAT WOULD JESUS DO IF HE WAS IN THAT ROOM WITH ME?
HE KNEW MY HEART
HE KNEW MY PASSION TO SERVE HIM
HE KNEW THAT I WAS SO EAGER TO SERVE HIM AGAIN THROUGH DRAMA MINISTRY
AND HE ALSO KNEW THAT I AM STILL NEW TO THAT CHURCH
AND THAT CHURCH REJECTED ME TO SERVE HIM BECAUSE I WAS STILL NEW?
CMON, WAKE UP.
WE ARE LIVING IN THE END TIMES NOW AND CHRISTIANS ARE IN DESPERATE NEED OF FEELING THE REAL LOVE OF JESUS CHRIST – EXPERIENCE HIS MESSAGE – HIS LOVE – HIS MERCY – HIS GRACE
WHAT WOULD JESUS DO IF HE WAS THERE?
I’M SURE HE KNEW WHAT I EXPERIENCE TODAY.
I TOOK IT AS ‘OKAY, MAYBE THIS ISN’T FOR ME.’
OR THIS ISN’T MY JOURNEY TO TAKE.
IT’S THEIR LOST.
I JUST PRAY THAT THEY WOULD WAKE UP FROM THEIR EXCLUSIVITY.”
After I left the audition room, my boyfriend is waiting for me outside with the water that I asked him. I immediately run to the stairs, where other auditionees were maybe looking at me – because I was holding my tears. I went to the stairs when no one saw me – and I immediately lost all my respect to this church – like I don’t want to do anything about them anymore. Like I was so hurt by the rejection, by their exclusivity – because I had experience what Jesus loves are – I’ve experienced how I grew in a big church like Hillsong and serve Him there without any questions – like they accepted me with open arms, even though I was new there, they welcomed, they hugged, they accepted me for who I am. They’re like my family when I was in Sydney. [Even in London! I haven’t been there yet and planning to go there for my masters, I met one of the Hillsong London church leaders and she already welcome me to serve there wayyy before I arrive?? She said ‘you would be happy there ! We welcome you with open arms! When you arrive, just look for me okay?’ Wow!] And to got a rejection from their so called network in Indonesia – that doesn’t reflect the Hillsong culture that I know and have good experience about it – hurts me like hell.
*I even played “Even When It Hurts – while writing this – lol*
I cried at the stairs. My bf kept asking me, “Something wrong?” – It was so rare to have him accompany me to an audition – he would normally do his own thing and left me to my occasion – but for this audition he stayed. Then I cried, then he gave me the water that I asked for – “nih airnya” He knew I was crying – I just walked pass him because I was so hurt and angry – and drink the water – He kept asking me what’s wrong and after I asked him for an Ice cream, I told him what happened inside the audition room and he just laughed.
Because he knew it before than I do. He knew that I can’t join their ministry because of the church exclusivity – this church is known for its edgy, young people vibe but yet it’s so exclusive that in order to serve Him you have to have it in your bloods first then you can join them –
I asked him, “Why did you stay? normally you would left me into my occasion? Is it because you have a feeling that something went wrong during the audition?” He said “Yes.” “I had a feeling that you would cry after the audition and that something wrong.”
That is so sweet of him. I drank the water he gave me – it’s like he doesn’t hug me but he gave me water to drink and calm my nerves. Thinking about it right now – it’s like God calms me through my bf voice by giving me water that I asked before? #ThankYouJesus #WhenGodUnderstandYouAndGivesYouWaterToCalmYourNerves
Looking it back, I knew that God doesn’t like this act of exclusivity. Denying an eager servant to serve Him just because I’m still new? Well, It’s not my place to judged this church – I would still attend their classes, their komsel, their services – but maybe not their ministry. Even though I really really want to – but for what?
They even don’t understand what a BA in Dramatic Arts are – they don’t even understand my value, my skills, my talents, my experiences in Drama ministry and theatre – why should I join them then? For what?
“If people don’t know your values and what you’re worth at – you should just walked away – because they don’t understand how much values and skills that you would bring to them. You’ll ended up disappointed and it’s better to just walk away than just to waste your energy. Find someone or some community that understand your value and VALUES you.” – VnZ Qoutes.
So yeah, It’s their lost.
Maybe it’s not my journey with them.
Maybe this time, God wants me to serve Him for this world, this world outside of the church platform. Just when I finally decided to leave my own church theatre that I created to pursue much more bigger audience – more industrial –
More to like the world world – where people don’t know about Jesus yet – where people doesn’t know about how and amazing His grace are – throughout my creations in arts, my poetry, my skills, my attitude, my talent –> to the unknown rivers – and I’m ready for that.
So yes God,
“Please take this mountain weight, take this ocean tears, hold me through the trial, come like hope again. Even when the fight seems lost, I’ll praise you. Even when it hurts like hell, I’ll praise you.
So here’s to the unknown rivers – to that unknown journey – to that behold moments – to that stand in awe and be amazed moments – to that serving You with all I got without any exclusivity – to that rivers, desserts, unknown oceans. I’m here to worship You. You are all I want.
My heart burns only for You. I will only sing Your praise.
Take me God, because I’m ready. ”