Posted in Theatre

Understanding God

Understanding God


Dedicated to: Those who don’t believe

Recently, I encountered some new sights about faith and God. About how we will end up after we die.

The funny thing about this insights were how God revealed it to me through the mediums of ‘Lucifer’ TV season on Netflix, ‘Noah’ the movie, and one CD that I got from the church, ‘Heaven and Hell’ by Ps. Park Se Yeon.

All of those three insights have one in common. They talked about hell. They also talk about God, their creator. Even the devil himself believes in God although he called it ‘Dear old Dad..’ with so much loathe (from ‘Lucifer’)

I also came across with one Buzzfeed video of atheists talking to a pastor and discuss things – that’s where I found out that these not believing in God thing / not believing / don’t know where we going after we die thing is an issue and I feel the urge to tell you all about where we end up after we die if we don’t accept and live be more like Jesus in our everyday lives.

A little bit of my background, I’m literary no one – I’m not a pastor or a scholar – I’m just a regular person with the heart of ‘at least you know the truth because Hell is unavoidable and it’s unpleasant.’ because no one knows, no one that still lives knows what would happen when we die, where do we go from after we die? Except the ones who got lucky enough to get second chances in life. I’m sure they’ll agree with this article.

I grew up as a Christian, since I was born. But that doesn’t mean I have 100% understanding of what God is, what Christianity is, what Jesus is – I grew up in a Presbyterian church, very normal family and my parents were very generous. But it is different when you grow so much in a Presbyterian church your whole life and then you gone AWOL from church and somehow your faith were being tested. There’s this period that I still don’t understand where I don’t feel Him. I normally can sense Him, but this period was just void and empty. I cried and prayed hard but it was still empty.

On my prayers, I begged for to not let me go even though I feel empty and void about Him. There’s no answer – but I know as a human with mental illness, I can’t really rely on my self – so I have to rely on Him.

My life is change when I enter Hillsong Church during my uni time in Sydney. There, Jesus really showed me who He really is and it is not a religion, but it is a personal relationship with Him.

Even writing this now takes forever because I’m sure this can change people’s lives but I need to fight on because the evil spirits trying to stop me from completing this.



in the beginning

abel is in hell

without jesus is nothing

how we fell sin

adam n eve

Ok so let’s get back to the beginning of time. According to the Bible, in the beginning, God created creation = Earth, and he created us, humans – through Adam and Eve, who then fell into temptation and sin.

This is where it got interesting. Because of this Adam and Eve act, who took the fruit of knowledge, all of us humans, no matter how good we are or how many sacrifices that we put up for God during those ancient times, the humans is automatically going to hell when they die. Except the ones that were really close to Him or are the chosen ones. LIke Prophet Elia who is descent to Heaven or Moses, etc.

Where do I have this conclusion? Because before Jesus died on the cross to save us all from Hell, it is by default that humans go to hell because there’s no savior yet. The savior has not been born. And throughout so many sacrifices or God sending His prophet to save His nation, if you are really close to Him and follow Him all the way through and through then maybe you can go to Heaven – but before Jesus was born, there’s no guarantee either or not you are going to Heaven like for sure.

This is where I got in awe and in tears because if you said that Big Guy up there doesn’t love you or doesn’t exist, and then you have to think again.

Don’t let some childhood religion trauma hinders you because religion are man made. So they have so many flaws.

But I want you to know that Big Guy who lives in our heart and above those skies, who is the creator of everything on earth, really really really loves you very much.


Think of it this way, think of Him as your Heavenly Father, as your Dad. There are some things that your dad does that sometimes doesn’t make sense and He have his reasons right?

Something like that.

Because of what Adam and Eve did, that all of us are sinned, God sent down His own son, Jesus, who came down to Earth and become a flesh like us to become OUR Savior, so we are not punished and we have a guarantee pass to Heaven through Him.

This is God’s love. For Us.

Ok, don’t think it as like a physical human ways that God had sex or something like that and somehow he become human – it’s not like that.

God is divine, so a lot of times the things that He does have reasons and A LOT of times, we don’t understand it because as humans, we are out of capacity to understand everything that He does.

All of us humans, we have spirits who will leave our body once we die. So imagine it this way, throughout thousand of years / millennia / eons God sits on His thrown trying to figure out how to save humans from Hell / eternal damnation because of what Adam and Eve did.

There’s this time when He wiped out all of His creations and saved animals and the ones that close to Him, Noah (if you see the movie, it’s 90% accurate according to the Bible) because humans were eating each other and were evil. So God starts fresh by using water and He wiped everything out for days/years (details can see it from the Bible chapter Act 3-5)

And then He made a promise to not do that again with Noah and then came Abram, the father of nations.

Details on how God tried and wants to save us from going down to Hell when we die can be seen in detail through out the Old Testament from the Bible –

Because He loves us so much, He wants the best out of us, and He wants to save us – so we don’t have to go to Hell by sending Jesus, His own Son, as sacrifices. He went down from His Mighty Kingdom to this ordinary Earth, to just be with us plus He died on the cross in the process of saving us from Hell.

Now, if this is not LOVE, what is it then?

“Seek God while he’s here to be found, pray to him while he’s close at hand. Let the wicked abandon their way of life and the evil their way of thinking. Let them come back to God, who is merciful, come back to our God, who is lavish with forgiveness.” – Isaiah 55:6-7 MSG

You don’t have to believe in the religion, it’s man made. But after reading this, there’s things that you don’t understand, that’s fine as well – but I’m telling you, can you at least try to communicate with Him? The Big Guy above? He knows you very well – deep – inside and out – it’s like building a relationship, when you don’t know that person then you don’t know… and communicating to Him is so simple.

Just close your eyes and pray.

It might feels weird at first, like talking to your self, but if you make this as a habit, I’m pretty sure and I believe, He will start communicating with you through signs, heart, gut feelings, words, etc.

He loves you very much and He wants you to come home to Him.

If you want to know more, this link would help you out:

Youtube link:


Posted in Theatre

#pathdaily I do hope @Path stays open because there are so many great memories here and I don’t want to erase that. It’s been 5 years and more with Path full of memories, just like a journal.

Please stay open #Path 😊❤️ – I haven’t got the chance to enjoy your new features yet….

View on Path

Posted in Creative Writing, Journal, Poetry

Flower by Varry

I have been facing so many rejections all my life.

Let it be friends, family, workplace, and so on

It’s like a melody where I don’t belong with others.

It hurts.

It’s like I have this fear of being rejected

It’s like I will go as this happy go lucky amazing awesome person at first

but then after several attempts in getting to know me

they will go away

And there’s that fear again

Hawking and mocking my heart and says

“You don’t belong, they will hate you.”

And every time that sense of fear comes, it’s coming true.

and I hate it every time that fear was right.

My heart start to ponder


Why I don’t belong with others? Why am I afraid to face it? Why I am afraid to tell them what I want?

Why is it so hard to let it go of what I want?

Why am I so stressed out every time?

Knowing that it would fail?

I hate me.

I’m fat now

Numbing my self to all Netflix shows and hoping that everything will go away.

I hate my self waking up at 4PM in the afternoon and still being up and awake at 4 AM in the morning.

It’s not healthy.

I mean, I know it’s not healthy, but why am I still doing it?

Why is it now becoming a routine?

I need sleep

Like a proper sleep

I need to push my reset button again.

I’ve made promise to my self that I would get fit this June.

I did one and two exercises here and there

But why am I still fat?

and I keep postponed things over and over again, like time is my best friend or I’m the owner of time – but it’s clearly not.

I mean I’m almost 30, and I don’t have a specific goal in life – I don’t have many friends

I always have trouble at work

I have so many skills and talent and yet I have no idea how to interact with other people.

Why am I like this?

Why am I always ended up alone, hated, and drained out ?

Why am I worry so much ?

Why acceptance, validation, and recognition is important to me?

Why can’t I be accepted?

Why is society always different than me?

I’m not the same as other people – I’m different like so different that it hurts

Because I will always ended up



It’s beautiful

But people picked it up one by one

Smell it

Took picture about it

It looks great at first time

As a sign of symbol of gratitude or appreciation or something

But after all that greatness is gone,

They would just throw the flower away.

Just like me.

Posted in Theatre

Obsessed with Crazy Ex Girlfriend

Seriously, this show is literary blown my mind. It’s like everything that I have ever dreamed, imagined, everything like literary!!

So THANK YOU @rachelbloom in making this. It’s literary Genius !!

I knew this show for quite sometime but I haven’t really get into it until lately.

It’s seriously blows my mind.

I mean, I’ve watched so many shows on binged watched mode and none of those shows really made me rolling over, bursting with joy because they just filled the whole / role of my imagination into reality.

For example this video below:




“I CAN’T … ”




another example:



Posted in Theatre

List of Crush (LOL)

Okay so I have been having crushes throughout my whole life so I want to list them out – either they’re real or it’s a celebrity crush …

Here they go…..

Grade 5 till Uni Era 2014 – Celeb

  1. Shane Filan (Westlife)  — I eventually work with him – like what a dream come true!!! 
  2. Brian McFadden – I mean him too.. he still gives me goosebumps / that little girl feel whenever we met and hug him. lol – I work with him too like twice.. 


3. Joseph Zhang – LOL  – this period of crush was a bit weird for me because I crushed on his acting and his character on this movie below – but it’s like the ‘don’t care, but I do care and I show up’ type – yeha….

4. Jean Baptiste Maunier – and i’m friends with him and his cousin on facebook ! (soo cool !) 

5. Reuben Morgan – I have this crush with him – he’s a worship pastor / leader – I think i like the idea that he is Godly / man of God – that I didn’t quite get that from my boyfriend – but there’s this time where I was obsessing over him tbh – and I did meet him quite couple of times and it was always embarassing after wards – OMG. LOL. 

Junior High School era – Real person lol

  1. Nanda – I still remember I gave him chocolate over his locker and he was mean – lol / but we’re facebook friends now, and he eventually apologize – so all good 🙂 – 
  2. Luther – Ok, so I met him like really quick ones – only like 3 days – in Melbourne, Australia – during my Junior High Field Trip there – that was really strange times on my self lol 
  3. Liam – I knew him in uni – so it’s like 2013-2014 era … 😀 

2013/2014 Era – Now

Harry Styles – People say I’m obsessed – but I don’t think so – it’s better if you look at this link – so you know all the deeds ! –> Read here: Letters To Harry

2018 –


Scott Michael Foster – OMG. I just realized that he looks exactly like Reuben Morgan – but I think he’s single lol. So I have this fantasy where the man of my dreams is like Reuben Morgan – i mean, Godly, humble, have that kind of Reuben’s face – and play actor / music / guitar / can sing – and he has all those stuff. Also he’s a pisces ! OMG. I realized this about Scott, when I watched Crazy Ex Girlfriend season 3 today – and the more I search about him, the more I become like OMG. And I just realized that now the benefits of having an Actor / Celeb Crush is actually WAYYYYY BETTER than crushing over Musicians – because what you want to fantasized in – it’s ALREADY THERE ON THE SCREEN – SO YEAH. 


Scene from Crazy Ex Girlfriend – Fit Hot Guys


Ok, so you got what I mean right ?? 😀


And all of these men that I ever crushed on – has got qualities that I really want in my life / my husband – that eventually I didn’t really quite get it from my current boyfriend. Maybe that’s why I’ve been having so many crushes on these men – LOL.

BECAUSE if I do list it down – they have similar type / qualities that I want in my life – so that’s really cool.




Posted in My Life Stories, Personal, Theatre, Women


On June 1st 2018 –

I called up my long term boyfriend to ask him to come over and see me to my apartment in Jakarta.

He usually come and visit me on Friday till Sunday.

But because of my brother has been staying with me recently, he cut the visitation short to only Saturday to Sunday.

Last Friday, I finally got the place to my self again because my brother is staying at my parents house in Bogor.

So I called him up and ask him to come over – like we used to.

We have been having quite busy weekends lately so we don’t really hang out or spent quality time like we normally do. So when I finally got my apt back again, I thought it’s a good opportunity for us to reconnect and really spent good quality time together like we used to.

The day before this call, I have been feeling very lonely and starting to question my relationship and the quality of our relationship so far with him – about how I am the pursuer of this relationship, how he always jokes / tease me about things that is not even funny and sometime it kind of hurt my feelings, how we always fight and I always ended up seeking attention from him and it’s always ends up with me telling him about death threats, suicide attempt, and all those bad impulses – just to get his attention or kind of make him pay / to see that he’s taking me for granted. I guess I’m just tired how I was always the one that asking him to hug or kiss or any kind of love affection first. Like he’s never be the leader of the relationship – like it seems it’s always me who makes the first move and after 13 years of continuous fights, death threats to him, suicide attempts, harsh words, him being passive and not taking any action, or him being putting himself first than me second – I guess, I finally drained up / give up.

If I am a flower or a well, then this flower is no longer blooming  / a well – it’s kind of dry.

Like I need water to fill me in again, I need his affections, attention, first move, leadership, initiative, to make me whole again –

Like I was so desperate looking for his attention even when I was sick – to saying things like ‘YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINK I JUST WANT TO DIE’ ‘SO YOU CAN FINALLY TAKE CARE OF ME WITHOUT ME ASKING ABOUT IT FIRST’ in front of public.

So then I realized, it is time to let him go – like I always fantasized to have more thoughtful partnership / boyfriend  like gentleman who really just care for me and love me deeply without me even asking him to do it.

I realized, it’s not healthy anymore – but at the same time – I do still love him and I believe that every committed relationship needs work – so yeah there’s that.

I feel like when it comes to being angry with him – I can be bipolar and dramatized about it a lot – so I’m not sure who’s to blame on this game.

So then I called – and he says that he is on a holiday but he cannot come to my place. I was upset about it because I realized that

  1. He didn’t tell me about it
  2. I’m not his priority
  3. I’m the one that need him – not the other way around
  4. I’m the one that always pursue / try to make this relationship works / the motor of the relationship
  5. I deserve better
  6. He is a bad influence to my life – like proscanate stuff
  7. I want someone who is able to lead me, challenge me, give me attention / love me without me even asking him to do it first
  8. He’s not honest with his life – like I don’t really know him that well turns out – like what’s his business, what’s the detail about him, why I can’t come to his house anymore, is he cheating on me again? like I don’t trust him anymore after he cheats on 2010, etc
  9. He says that he would come on Saturday morning – but I do know him really well – Saturday morning is Saturday afternoon to sore when he eventually arrive here.

So after he says that he can’t come and several other persuasion from me – he still can’t come and he won’t tell me why.

Then I became furious – and decided to break up with him.

It really hurts. This is like the last and third strike like I became really tired of all this vicious cycle.

like one day he’s great – then it started to become a season of greatness, season of hightened joy and happiness, and the season of neglect, season of super neglectaion, and eventually season of threatneing, and ended up of me being super manic depressive with him –

I can’t remember how many times I want to jump from my unit balcony when I was fighting with him – because I would just give up in facing him – he would be the one that stop me from it – i think i can count it like 7 times or so –

There are times where I can’t hold it anymore and I would just taking on my impulses and show him that I couldn’t care less about my life that I would just jump off from my balcony so he would feel the guilt – or be put in jail or I don’t know – finally realize that he is taking me for granted – just like he’s taking his mom for granted. – I mean just to prove a point.

There was also times – when he didn’t like my bald haircut that he threatens me to break up with me just because I am bold. I mean – hair does grows back right? and i cut it off because it was becoming unhealthy and i need to regrow it – lol

There was also times when I cried really bad emotionally that I shouted and the neighbor was calling the security guy and knock on my doors and asking us – if he hurt me or something

The scary thing about being with him – he is a nice guy – he is quiet in public – he is funny – but when he jokes or tease you around – he doesn’t realize that he hurt you. Theres this one time when he pinch my nose just for gemes / fun and I can hear it click – it didn’t broke – but i can’t breath properly after that – i went to my chiropractor to got it fix few weeks later – he didn’t realize that it does hurt and keep saying sorry but after that he just move on

What I don’t like is – his relationship with his phone. Oh Gawd, it’s like I’m the second girlfriend and he loves reading Facebook A LOT – he’s that social media creeper that doesn’t post anything but he’s there – I feel like I need to lock away his phone so he can put his attention in me.

So after that crazy emotional phone call – I just literary blocked him off everything so he couldn’t call me, text me, or lurking into my social media – i also put it online that I’m breaking off with him.

But it always saddens me when I realized that on Tuesday when he return my car from Bogor to Jakarta, we were fine and we hug, we did say goodbye and my heart was saying that was the last time I could be together with him – and played that over my head.

I started to cry and really feel the broken heart sting – on the heart over Fool’s Gold song by Niall Horan – lol

The break up was public but seriously the next day on 2nd June 2018 – he came to my apartment and we just hug like for long. I was just woken up and we just hug.

When we hug, I feel like the missing pieces of me returns back.

This is what I wanted to share and question and why I titled ‘Choices’


  1. Based on this story, whose to blame?
  2. I think I need to work with my self respect – so he can learn how to respect me
  3. I don’t think I want to marry him anymore – but then there’s this question of committed relationship on how you have to work through the bad times with your partner because relationship is not always bright and full of joy ?
  4. Love language – as long as we understand our love language – we were fine – but when we missed this out – we are not fine —- so is this means that our relationship is workable?
  5. People say that our relationship is toxic, that I should move on – question is – Am I Toxic or Is he toxic?
  6. I do like going to church with him – it feels weird when I’m alone going to church by my self
  7. He fills the gaps of my loneliness – I’m not really open to my personal stuff to people because I find that they will leave me / hate me behind once they know my weakness / idealism – this makes me feel like I’m not worthy of their companionship and one of the main reason why I don’t want to let my bf go – because I know once I let him go – he would become this MIA / untraceable person. – like he would just gone off forever even when he says that he would be my brother / best friend.
  8. I think i have issues with my mom. She’s like the missing puzzle of why I become like this – like i really need more of her time and communication without me trying to prove that I achieve something or in need of her validation so she won’t feel disappointed in me
  9. My bf has become a long time partner of mine – so it’s not the question of ‘you have to let him go’ or that teenage breakup – he’s been part of me ever since before my dearly oma gone and his mother gone
  10. I want to move on – but how? I still love him – or i can just say ‘I can still love you even I let go… ‘ that kind of qoute from 13 reason why….. 😀
  11. I always picture how my life without my bf now like when he passed away (touch wood) – how would i find my peace? am i going to be okay? are we still together? or he’s married to someone else that i was just his ex who attend his funeral or etc (touch wood)
  12. Is it wrong if i make choices to just stay with him BUT with me becoming less needy and independent like baby step – so he would realize that I also have value ? and letting him be the leader of the relationship? because I know this could happen too.
  13. At the end of the day, the only person who knows this kind of life is me, him, and Him.

so based on this case study or what I tell you – WHAT SHOULD I DO?

I know, typical right?