View on Path
View on Path
#pathdaily I do hope @Path stays open because there are so many great memories here and I don’t want to erase that. It’s been 5 years and more with Path full of memories, just like a journal.
Please stay open #Path 😊❤️ – I haven’t got the chance to enjoy your new features yet….
View on Path
I have been facing so many rejections all my life.
Let it be friends, family, workplace, and so on
It’s like a melody where I don’t belong with others.
It’s like I have this fear of being rejected
It’s like I will go as this happy go lucky amazing awesome person at first
but then after several attempts in getting to know me
they will go away
And there’s that fear again
Hawking and mocking my heart and says
“You don’t belong, they will hate you.”
And every time that sense of fear comes, it’s coming true.
and I hate it every time that fear was right.
My heart start to ponder
Why I don’t belong with others? Why am I afraid to face it? Why I am afraid to tell them what I want?
Why is it so hard to let it go of what I want?
Why am I so stressed out every time?
Knowing that it would fail?
I hate me.
I’m fat now
Numbing my self to all Netflix shows and hoping that everything will go away.
I hate my self waking up at 4PM in the afternoon and still being up and awake at 4 AM in the morning.
It’s not healthy.
I mean, I know it’s not healthy, but why am I still doing it?
Why is it now becoming a routine?
I need sleep
Like a proper sleep
I need to push my reset button again.
I’ve made promise to my self that I would get fit this June.
I did one and two exercises here and there
But why am I still fat?
and I keep postponed things over and over again, like time is my best friend or I’m the owner of time – but it’s clearly not.
I mean I’m almost 30, and I don’t have a specific goal in life – I don’t have many friends
I always have trouble at work
I have so many skills and talent and yet I have no idea how to interact with other people.
Why am I like this?
Why am I always ended up alone, hated, and drained out ?
Why am I worry so much ?
Why acceptance, validation, and recognition is important to me?
Why can’t I be accepted?
Why is society always different than me?
I’m not the same as other people – I’m different like so different that it hurts
Because I will always ended up
But people picked it up one by one
Took picture about it
It looks great at first time
As a sign of symbol of gratitude or appreciation or something
But after all that greatness is gone,
They would just throw the flower away.
Just like me.
Seriously, this show is literary blown my mind. It’s like everything that I have ever dreamed, imagined, everything like literary!!
So THANK YOU @rachelbloom in making this. It’s literary Genius !!
I knew this show for quite sometime but I haven’t really get into it until lately.
It’s seriously blows my mind.
I mean, I’ve watched so many shows on binged watched mode and none of those shows really made me rolling over, bursting with joy because they just filled the whole / role of my imagination into reality.
For example this video below:
IT’S EVERYTHING THAT I HAVE DREAMED OFF IN A MAN.
I JUST LITERARY MELTED MY SELF TO THE FLOOR WATCHING THIS AND REPEATING TO MY SELF LIKE
“I CAN’T … ”
AND THEN SCREAMING WHILE PACING BACK AND FORTH ‘OMG” “OMG” “OMG”
SERIOUSLY THIS SHOW IS WEIRD BUT REALLY FUN IN THE GOOD WAY.
IT’S LIKE EVERYTHING THAT THE PUBLIC WOULD LIKE ‘WHAT?” BUT THEY JUST DESCRIBING IT REALLY GENUINELY AWESOME AND AMAZING. It’s like watching real life musical. SOO GOOD !
It’s like THANK YOU RACHEL BLOOM !
Okay so I have been having crushes throughout my whole life so I want to list them out – either they’re real or it’s a celebrity crush …
Here they go…..
Grade 5 till Uni Era 2014 – Celeb
3. Joseph Zhang – LOL – this period of crush was a bit weird for me because I crushed on his acting and his character on this movie below – but it’s like the ‘don’t care, but I do care and I show up’ type – yeha….
4. Jean Baptiste Maunier – and i’m friends with him and his cousin on facebook ! (soo cool !)
5. Reuben Morgan – I have this crush with him – he’s a worship pastor / leader – I think i like the idea that he is Godly / man of God – that I didn’t quite get that from my boyfriend – but there’s this time where I was obsessing over him tbh – and I did meet him quite couple of times and it was always embarassing after wards – OMG. LOL.
Junior High School era – Real person lol
2013/2014 Era – Now
Harry Styles – People say I’m obsessed – but I don’t think so – it’s better if you look at this link – so you know all the deeds ! –> Read here: Letters To Harry
NEW CELEB CRUSH ALERT !
Scott Michael Foster – OMG. I just realized that he looks exactly like Reuben Morgan – but I think he’s single lol. So I have this fantasy where the man of my dreams is like Reuben Morgan – i mean, Godly, humble, have that kind of Reuben’s face – and play actor / music / guitar / can sing – and he has all those stuff. Also he’s a pisces ! OMG. I realized this about Scott, when I watched Crazy Ex Girlfriend season 3 today – and the more I search about him, the more I become like OMG. And I just realized that now the benefits of having an Actor / Celeb Crush is actually WAYYYYY BETTER than crushing over Musicians – because what you want to fantasized in – it’s ALREADY THERE ON THE SCREEN – SO YEAH.
AND HERE’S A FEW OF THE EXAMPLES:
Scene from Crazy Ex Girlfriend – Fit Hot Guys
Ok, so you got what I mean right ?? 😀
And all of these men that I ever crushed on – has got qualities that I really want in my life / my husband – that eventually I didn’t really quite get it from my current boyfriend. Maybe that’s why I’ve been having so many crushes on these men – LOL.
BECAUSE if I do list it down – they have similar type / qualities that I want in my life – so that’s really cool.
HOW MANY MEN OUT THERE THAT IS GENTLEMAN ?
On June 1st 2018 –
I called up my long term boyfriend to ask him to come over and see me to my apartment in Jakarta.
He usually come and visit me on Friday till Sunday.
But because of my brother has been staying with me recently, he cut the visitation short to only Saturday to Sunday.
Last Friday, I finally got the place to my self again because my brother is staying at my parents house in Bogor.
So I called him up and ask him to come over – like we used to.
We have been having quite busy weekends lately so we don’t really hang out or spent quality time like we normally do. So when I finally got my apt back again, I thought it’s a good opportunity for us to reconnect and really spent good quality time together like we used to.
The day before this call, I have been feeling very lonely and starting to question my relationship and the quality of our relationship so far with him – about how I am the pursuer of this relationship, how he always jokes / tease me about things that is not even funny and sometime it kind of hurt my feelings, how we always fight and I always ended up seeking attention from him and it’s always ends up with me telling him about death threats, suicide attempt, and all those bad impulses – just to get his attention or kind of make him pay / to see that he’s taking me for granted. I guess I’m just tired how I was always the one that asking him to hug or kiss or any kind of love affection first. Like he’s never be the leader of the relationship – like it seems it’s always me who makes the first move and after 13 years of continuous fights, death threats to him, suicide attempts, harsh words, him being passive and not taking any action, or him being putting himself first than me second – I guess, I finally drained up / give up.
If I am a flower or a well, then this flower is no longer blooming / a well – it’s kind of dry.
Like I need water to fill me in again, I need his affections, attention, first move, leadership, initiative, to make me whole again –
Like I was so desperate looking for his attention even when I was sick – to saying things like ‘YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINK I JUST WANT TO DIE’ ‘SO YOU CAN FINALLY TAKE CARE OF ME WITHOUT ME ASKING ABOUT IT FIRST’ in front of public.
So then I realized, it is time to let him go – like I always fantasized to have more thoughtful partnership / boyfriend like gentleman who really just care for me and love me deeply without me even asking him to do it.
I realized, it’s not healthy anymore – but at the same time – I do still love him and I believe that every committed relationship needs work – so yeah there’s that.
I feel like when it comes to being angry with him – I can be bipolar and dramatized about it a lot – so I’m not sure who’s to blame on this game.
So then I called – and he says that he is on a holiday but he cannot come to my place. I was upset about it because I realized that
So after he says that he can’t come and several other persuasion from me – he still can’t come and he won’t tell me why.
Then I became furious – and decided to break up with him.
It really hurts. This is like the last and third strike like I became really tired of all this vicious cycle.
like one day he’s great – then it started to become a season of greatness, season of hightened joy and happiness, and the season of neglect, season of super neglectaion, and eventually season of threatneing, and ended up of me being super manic depressive with him –
I can’t remember how many times I want to jump from my unit balcony when I was fighting with him – because I would just give up in facing him – he would be the one that stop me from it – i think i can count it like 7 times or so –
There are times where I can’t hold it anymore and I would just taking on my impulses and show him that I couldn’t care less about my life that I would just jump off from my balcony so he would feel the guilt – or be put in jail or I don’t know – finally realize that he is taking me for granted – just like he’s taking his mom for granted. – I mean just to prove a point.
There was also times – when he didn’t like my bald haircut that he threatens me to break up with me just because I am bold. I mean – hair does grows back right? and i cut it off because it was becoming unhealthy and i need to regrow it – lol
There was also times when I cried really bad emotionally that I shouted and the neighbor was calling the security guy and knock on my doors and asking us – if he hurt me or something
The scary thing about being with him – he is a nice guy – he is quiet in public – he is funny – but when he jokes or tease you around – he doesn’t realize that he hurt you. Theres this one time when he pinch my nose just for gemes / fun and I can hear it click – it didn’t broke – but i can’t breath properly after that – i went to my chiropractor to got it fix few weeks later – he didn’t realize that it does hurt and keep saying sorry but after that he just move on
What I don’t like is – his relationship with his phone. Oh Gawd, it’s like I’m the second girlfriend and he loves reading Facebook A LOT – he’s that social media creeper that doesn’t post anything but he’s there – I feel like I need to lock away his phone so he can put his attention in me.
So after that crazy emotional phone call – I just literary blocked him off everything so he couldn’t call me, text me, or lurking into my social media – i also put it online that I’m breaking off with him.
But it always saddens me when I realized that on Tuesday when he return my car from Bogor to Jakarta, we were fine and we hug, we did say goodbye and my heart was saying that was the last time I could be together with him – and played that over my head.
I started to cry and really feel the broken heart sting – on the heart over Fool’s Gold song by Niall Horan – lol
The break up was public but seriously the next day on 2nd June 2018 – he came to my apartment and we just hug like for long. I was just woken up and we just hug.
When we hug, I feel like the missing pieces of me returns back.
This is what I wanted to share and question and why I titled ‘Choices’
so based on this case study or what I tell you – WHAT SHOULD I DO?
I know, typical right?
I Dreamed as Harry Styles FILM PA
Today, I woke up at 9 AM but before that, I got up at 4:30ish AM but then I sleep again.
During my rapid 4:30 -ish AM until 9 AM, I got this vision / dreams about Harry.
I was in a white room, and I see Harry Styles with his short curl hair and he’s wearing a white ruffle shirt with black pants.
I saw him and the feeling was I was there for a reason like a work / volunteering kind of thing. I immediately jump and hug him for so long.
He was in shock, like why a stranger hugging me? I whispered in his ears while hugging him,”I’m so sorry for hugging you so tight like this, I have been waiting for this moment for sooo long..’
And he immediately receives me and hug me back like so tight. It immediately feel like just the two of us in that white room / like a changing room where the rest of the crew just busy with their own thing.
We hugged like very long, it was a warmth hug and somehow he just understand it. Like we didn’t say anything that much when we hug and he knew that I’m working for him.
But it’s like before I get professionally connected with him, I want to get my personal admiration out first by hugging him, before we work together.
When we hugged, we just kind of connected deeply for some reason and he makes me feel very special.
So then the long hug got weird and we took off, I said to him again ‘ I’m sorry for this, I have been waiting for this for so long.’ He just smiled.
Then he’s busy with his own thing and I just followed him.
He was shooting this new movie about Circus, like Cirque du Soleil mixed with Old Country feeling like he was in Jimmy Fallon. And a bit of Reese Whiterspoon’s circus movie kind of vibe.
He was the guest starring but with so many cast that are able to do plane flights with their body, or like a circus barn feeling thing.
I came in to the set and I was sitting at the audience seat where the rest of the extras sitting. The seat was made by wood and it was like a stadium set kind of seating. where the seat are rising up.
The stage floors were full of hays and Harry is wearing his white ruffle shirt, with brown boots, black tight pants, and his postman hat.
I just sat there and see him act – He gave a very good performance.
After his first take, he came up to me at the audience seat and ask me, “Vania, can you rub my back?” I feel like this is the best first day of work ever! and I said to him “Of course! where about?” He said “ Just here.” pointing at his left shoulder. I give him an upper back rubbing and a bit of pressure of his left back and he said ‘Perfect. Thank you’ and he went off to his co – actors again.
At that very moment, when I watched him, my feelings is like ‘OMG, this is a top secret thing, and I’m the only lucky ones that is close to him and I can’t believe what the other fans will tell if they see what I see” – the feelings and the joy is so real.
As I watched him with other performance act on the set , I got carried away by how amazing and talented the other performance are so I followed the troupe set’s while Harry is doing another performance with the main cast and I think it was a closed set.
when I was finished with the other troupe performance act, I was trying to go back to my barn seat / audience seat but the only entrance is backstage through the front where I could disturb Harry’s performance at that time.
I don’t want to bother him because I’m only his PA – so I walk around at the back of the stage but there’s no entrances, only goats and baby goats waiting for their cue inside –
so I waited with the rest of the troupe at backstage stage left – and seeing Harry Perform his acting from the hole of the set / barn door.
There’s black gates, baby goats and goats, real green grass everything on the backstage.
during this set, he was acting with the other main cast on a two-two basis and he was really good at it. It was a dark / serious scene. So everybody there was quiet and give him time to act on it.
It was five take.
And then I woke up from my sleep.
I don’t know why I do feel that this is so real.
It’s like harry and I got like a soul connection. So deep that both of us can’t explain.
I wasn’t really in a good mood / like really stressed out for some reason / like my heart is dark – the day before I have this dream.
But then Harry decided to appear in my dream and it all feel so real, like one day I genuinely will be his PA – on set / in his life.
So yeah, I just want to share this with you all. I hope this will bring a smile to your day because what I felt in that dream, is super real 100%.
Thank you God for this dream, now I have new motivation and new perspective in life.