6 january 2019 – 7:49AM
I dreamed about
I was walking with Benefict Cumberbatch to a place whic looks like a fire station..
we met a paparazzi named Ignam, an italian who gave me his name card.. i introduce my self as Vania and Benedict introduce me to him as ‘She’s my assistant’ (before this, I wasn’t sure what I am) then Ignam said “Pleasure to meet you Vania. Here’s my name card.”
Before the name card thing happen:
Ignam came and tell Benedict:
“It’s done.. you can go in”
I was thinking about why and trying to find the reasons cuz lots of it doesn’t make any sense
Then Benedict take me up to inside the fire station building – brown stairs – before that he said “There you go, you’re my assistant now” – in which point i said “Thank you so much”
And then we went up to a property office… at the stairs B took a lot of pictures with his Iphone.. and i was holding an Instax camera … and I also found out that Benedict owns the office ….
In here he told me a good piece of advice:
“ you have to focus on the what. Not the why? Therefore you are focused on the task, not the perimeter of it. So many successful people doing it, on focus on the what. / the task – and that’s their key to success because they don’t meddle around on the why’s / other people businesses. They’re just focus on the what.”
I see.. thanks so much for the advice – and i try to take pics with him with the instax but the instax has run out of ink
And then I woke up.
I finally taking the steps that is needed in my life.
I just realized I have been living in a stagnant for the past months / years !
Today in church, they were talking about living generously and having the generous mindset.
So after three weeks of non tithing, i finally been able to tithe and it does feels different. #thankYouJesus
they said that if we have a generous mindset and be the person that always giving – it wouldn’t make us depressed / self centred and makes us happy.
So start living generously people!
Give to those who needs it the most – because in fact – the money that we have is the actually the money that we consume / chew / etc – not the money in the bank.
and when we give it to church / mission / to those who really need it – we transfer the money / our wealth to heaven not leaving it behind us when we died – because when we die, that money belongs to the family not to us – lol
The pastor says those things which is really make sense. If we want to bring wealth to heaven – then start living generously and have a generous mindset !
anyway, just want to say that I’ve finally decided to take CORE by NDC.
Since moving to West Jakarta – I have been attending the church for a year now – so it’s a bit weird if I don’t plant my self there lol – and I do like living in this West Jakarta complex because I can just walk to the mall / surrounded by it ! LOL ..
So here’s goes me reseting my self – my life again to the beginning.
I have been focusing on me me and me lately and it’s very depressing
It’s time to give back.
On June 1st 2018 –
I called up my long term boyfriend to ask him to come over and see me to my apartment in Jakarta.
He usually come and visit me on Friday till Sunday.
But because of my brother has been staying with me recently, he cut the visitation short to only Saturday to Sunday.
Last Friday, I finally got the place to my self again because my brother is staying at my parents house in Bogor.
So I called him up and ask him to come over – like we used to.
We have been having quite busy weekends lately so we don’t really hang out or spent quality time like we normally do. So when I finally got my apt back again, I thought it’s a good opportunity for us to reconnect and really spent good quality time together like we used to.
The day before this call, I have been feeling very lonely and starting to question my relationship and the quality of our relationship so far with him – about how I am the pursuer of this relationship, how he always jokes / tease me about things that is not even funny and sometime it kind of hurt my feelings, how we always fight and I always ended up seeking attention from him and it’s always ends up with me telling him about death threats, suicide attempt, and all those bad impulses – just to get his attention or kind of make him pay / to see that he’s taking me for granted. I guess I’m just tired how I was always the one that asking him to hug or kiss or any kind of love affection first. Like he’s never be the leader of the relationship – like it seems it’s always me who makes the first move and after 13 years of continuous fights, death threats to him, suicide attempts, harsh words, him being passive and not taking any action, or him being putting himself first than me second – I guess, I finally drained up / give up.
If I am a flower or a well, then this flower is no longer blooming / a well – it’s kind of dry.
Like I need water to fill me in again, I need his affections, attention, first move, leadership, initiative, to make me whole again –
Like I was so desperate looking for his attention even when I was sick – to saying things like ‘YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINK I JUST WANT TO DIE’ ‘SO YOU CAN FINALLY TAKE CARE OF ME WITHOUT ME ASKING ABOUT IT FIRST’ in front of public.
So then I realized, it is time to let him go – like I always fantasized to have more thoughtful partnership / boyfriend like gentleman who really just care for me and love me deeply without me even asking him to do it.
I realized, it’s not healthy anymore – but at the same time – I do still love him and I believe that every committed relationship needs work – so yeah there’s that.
I feel like when it comes to being angry with him – I can be bipolar and dramatized about it a lot – so I’m not sure who’s to blame on this game.
So then I called – and he says that he is on a holiday but he cannot come to my place. I was upset about it because I realized that
- He didn’t tell me about it
- I’m not his priority
- I’m the one that need him – not the other way around
- I’m the one that always pursue / try to make this relationship works / the motor of the relationship
- I deserve better
- He is a bad influence to my life – like proscanate stuff
- I want someone who is able to lead me, challenge me, give me attention / love me without me even asking him to do it first
- He’s not honest with his life – like I don’t really know him that well turns out – like what’s his business, what’s the detail about him, why I can’t come to his house anymore, is he cheating on me again? like I don’t trust him anymore after he cheats on 2010, etc
- He says that he would come on Saturday morning – but I do know him really well – Saturday morning is Saturday afternoon to sore when he eventually arrive here.
So after he says that he can’t come and several other persuasion from me – he still can’t come and he won’t tell me why.
Then I became furious – and decided to break up with him.
It really hurts. This is like the last and third strike like I became really tired of all this vicious cycle.
like one day he’s great – then it started to become a season of greatness, season of hightened joy and happiness, and the season of neglect, season of super neglectaion, and eventually season of threatneing, and ended up of me being super manic depressive with him –
I can’t remember how many times I want to jump from my unit balcony when I was fighting with him – because I would just give up in facing him – he would be the one that stop me from it – i think i can count it like 7 times or so –
There are times where I can’t hold it anymore and I would just taking on my impulses and show him that I couldn’t care less about my life that I would just jump off from my balcony so he would feel the guilt – or be put in jail or I don’t know – finally realize that he is taking me for granted – just like he’s taking his mom for granted. – I mean just to prove a point.
There was also times – when he didn’t like my bald haircut that he threatens me to break up with me just because I am bold. I mean – hair does grows back right? and i cut it off because it was becoming unhealthy and i need to regrow it – lol
There was also times when I cried really bad emotionally that I shouted and the neighbor was calling the security guy and knock on my doors and asking us – if he hurt me or something
The scary thing about being with him – he is a nice guy – he is quiet in public – he is funny – but when he jokes or tease you around – he doesn’t realize that he hurt you. Theres this one time when he pinch my nose just for gemes / fun and I can hear it click – it didn’t broke – but i can’t breath properly after that – i went to my chiropractor to got it fix few weeks later – he didn’t realize that it does hurt and keep saying sorry but after that he just move on
What I don’t like is – his relationship with his phone. Oh Gawd, it’s like I’m the second girlfriend and he loves reading Facebook A LOT – he’s that social media creeper that doesn’t post anything but he’s there – I feel like I need to lock away his phone so he can put his attention in me.
So after that crazy emotional phone call – I just literary blocked him off everything so he couldn’t call me, text me, or lurking into my social media – i also put it online that I’m breaking off with him.
But it always saddens me when I realized that on Tuesday when he return my car from Bogor to Jakarta, we were fine and we hug, we did say goodbye and my heart was saying that was the last time I could be together with him – and played that over my head.
I started to cry and really feel the broken heart sting – on the heart over Fool’s Gold song by Niall Horan – lol
The break up was public but seriously the next day on 2nd June 2018 – he came to my apartment and we just hug like for long. I was just woken up and we just hug.
When we hug, I feel like the missing pieces of me returns back.
This is what I wanted to share and question and why I titled ‘Choices’
- Based on this story, whose to blame?
- I think I need to work with my self respect – so he can learn how to respect me
- I don’t think I want to marry him anymore – but then there’s this question of committed relationship on how you have to work through the bad times with your partner because relationship is not always bright and full of joy ?
- Love language – as long as we understand our love language – we were fine – but when we missed this out – we are not fine —- so is this means that our relationship is workable?
- People say that our relationship is toxic, that I should move on – question is – Am I Toxic or Is he toxic?
- I do like going to church with him – it feels weird when I’m alone going to church by my self
- He fills the gaps of my loneliness – I’m not really open to my personal stuff to people because I find that they will leave me / hate me behind once they know my weakness / idealism – this makes me feel like I’m not worthy of their companionship and one of the main reason why I don’t want to let my bf go – because I know once I let him go – he would become this MIA / untraceable person. – like he would just gone off forever even when he says that he would be my brother / best friend.
- I think i have issues with my mom. She’s like the missing puzzle of why I become like this – like i really need more of her time and communication without me trying to prove that I achieve something or in need of her validation so she won’t feel disappointed in me
- My bf has become a long time partner of mine – so it’s not the question of ‘you have to let him go’ or that teenage breakup – he’s been part of me ever since before my dearly oma gone and his mother gone
- I want to move on – but how? I still love him – or i can just say ‘I can still love you even I let go… ‘ that kind of qoute from 13 reason why….. 😀
- I always picture how my life without my bf now like when he passed away (touch wood) – how would i find my peace? am i going to be okay? are we still together? or he’s married to someone else that i was just his ex who attend his funeral or etc (touch wood)
- Is it wrong if i make choices to just stay with him BUT with me becoming less needy and independent like baby step – so he would realize that I also have value ? and letting him be the leader of the relationship? because I know this could happen too.
- At the end of the day, the only person who knows this kind of life is me, him, and Him.
so based on this case study or what I tell you – WHAT SHOULD I DO?
I know, typical right?