Posted in Church Life, Journal, My Life Stories, Personal

It’s time to change !

I finally taking the steps that is needed in my life.

I just realized I have been living in a stagnant for the past months / years !

Today in church, they were talking about living generously and having the generous mindset.

So after three weeks of non tithing, i finally been able to tithe and it does feels different. #thankYouJesus

they said that if we have a generous mindset and be the person that always giving – it wouldn’t make us depressed / self centred and makes us happy.

So start living generously people! 

Give to those who needs it the most – because in fact – the money that we have is the actually the money that we consume / chew / etc – not the money in the bank.

and when we give it to church / mission / to those who really need it – we transfer the money / our wealth to heaven not leaving it behind us when we died – because when we die, that money belongs to the family not to us – lol

The pastor says those things which is really make sense. If we want to bring wealth to heaven – then start living generously and have a generous mindset ! 

anyway, just want to say that I’ve finally decided to take CORE by NDC.

Since moving to West Jakarta – I have been attending the church for a year now – so it’s a bit weird if I don’t plant my self there lol – and I do like living in this West Jakarta complex because I can just walk to the mall / surrounded by it ! LOL ..

So here’s goes me reseting my self – my life again to the beginning.

I have been focusing on me me and me lately and it’s very depressing 

It’s time to give back. 

 

Posted in My Life Stories, Personal, Theatre, Women

Choices.

On June 1st 2018 –

I called up my long term boyfriend to ask him to come over and see me to my apartment in Jakarta.

He usually come and visit me on Friday till Sunday.

But because of my brother has been staying with me recently, he cut the visitation short to only Saturday to Sunday.

Last Friday, I finally got the place to my self again because my brother is staying at my parents house in Bogor.

So I called him up and ask him to come over – like we used to.

We have been having quite busy weekends lately so we don’t really hang out or spent quality time like we normally do. So when I finally got my apt back again, I thought it’s a good opportunity for us to reconnect and really spent good quality time together like we used to.

The day before this call, I have been feeling very lonely and starting to question my relationship and the quality of our relationship so far with him – about how I am the pursuer of this relationship, how he always jokes / tease me about things that is not even funny and sometime it kind of hurt my feelings, how we always fight and I always ended up seeking attention from him and it’s always ends up with me telling him about death threats, suicide attempt, and all those bad impulses – just to get his attention or kind of make him pay / to see that he’s taking me for granted. I guess I’m just tired how I was always the one that asking him to hug or kiss or any kind of love affection first. Like he’s never be the leader of the relationship – like it seems it’s always me who makes the first move and after 13 years of continuous fights, death threats to him, suicide attempts, harsh words, him being passive and not taking any action, or him being putting himself first than me second – I guess, I finally drained up / give up.

If I am a flower or a well, then this flower is no longer blooming  / a well – it’s kind of dry.

Like I need water to fill me in again, I need his affections, attention, first move, leadership, initiative, to make me whole again –

Like I was so desperate looking for his attention even when I was sick – to saying things like ‘YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINK I JUST WANT TO DIE’ ‘SO YOU CAN FINALLY TAKE CARE OF ME WITHOUT ME ASKING ABOUT IT FIRST’ in front of public.

So then I realized, it is time to let him go – like I always fantasized to have more thoughtful partnership / boyfriend  like gentleman who really just care for me and love me deeply without me even asking him to do it.

I realized, it’s not healthy anymore – but at the same time – I do still love him and I believe that every committed relationship needs work – so yeah there’s that.

I feel like when it comes to being angry with him – I can be bipolar and dramatized about it a lot – so I’m not sure who’s to blame on this game.

So then I called – and he says that he is on a holiday but he cannot come to my place. I was upset about it because I realized that

  1. He didn’t tell me about it
  2. I’m not his priority
  3. I’m the one that need him – not the other way around
  4. I’m the one that always pursue / try to make this relationship works / the motor of the relationship
  5. I deserve better
  6. He is a bad influence to my life – like proscanate stuff
  7. I want someone who is able to lead me, challenge me, give me attention / love me without me even asking him to do it first
  8. He’s not honest with his life – like I don’t really know him that well turns out – like what’s his business, what’s the detail about him, why I can’t come to his house anymore, is he cheating on me again? like I don’t trust him anymore after he cheats on 2010, etc
  9. He says that he would come on Saturday morning – but I do know him really well – Saturday morning is Saturday afternoon to sore when he eventually arrive here.

So after he says that he can’t come and several other persuasion from me – he still can’t come and he won’t tell me why.

Then I became furious – and decided to break up with him.

It really hurts. This is like the last and third strike like I became really tired of all this vicious cycle.

like one day he’s great – then it started to become a season of greatness, season of hightened joy and happiness, and the season of neglect, season of super neglectaion, and eventually season of threatneing, and ended up of me being super manic depressive with him –

I can’t remember how many times I want to jump from my unit balcony when I was fighting with him – because I would just give up in facing him – he would be the one that stop me from it – i think i can count it like 7 times or so –

There are times where I can’t hold it anymore and I would just taking on my impulses and show him that I couldn’t care less about my life that I would just jump off from my balcony so he would feel the guilt – or be put in jail or I don’t know – finally realize that he is taking me for granted – just like he’s taking his mom for granted. – I mean just to prove a point.

There was also times – when he didn’t like my bald haircut that he threatens me to break up with me just because I am bold. I mean – hair does grows back right? and i cut it off because it was becoming unhealthy and i need to regrow it – lol

There was also times when I cried really bad emotionally that I shouted and the neighbor was calling the security guy and knock on my doors and asking us – if he hurt me or something

The scary thing about being with him – he is a nice guy – he is quiet in public – he is funny – but when he jokes or tease you around – he doesn’t realize that he hurt you. Theres this one time when he pinch my nose just for gemes / fun and I can hear it click – it didn’t broke – but i can’t breath properly after that – i went to my chiropractor to got it fix few weeks later – he didn’t realize that it does hurt and keep saying sorry but after that he just move on

What I don’t like is – his relationship with his phone. Oh Gawd, it’s like I’m the second girlfriend and he loves reading Facebook A LOT – he’s that social media creeper that doesn’t post anything but he’s there – I feel like I need to lock away his phone so he can put his attention in me.

So after that crazy emotional phone call – I just literary blocked him off everything so he couldn’t call me, text me, or lurking into my social media – i also put it online that I’m breaking off with him.

But it always saddens me when I realized that on Tuesday when he return my car from Bogor to Jakarta, we were fine and we hug, we did say goodbye and my heart was saying that was the last time I could be together with him – and played that over my head.

I started to cry and really feel the broken heart sting – on the heart over Fool’s Gold song by Niall Horan – lol

The break up was public but seriously the next day on 2nd June 2018 – he came to my apartment and we just hug like for long. I was just woken up and we just hug.

When we hug, I feel like the missing pieces of me returns back.

This is what I wanted to share and question and why I titled ‘Choices’

QUESTION:

  1. Based on this story, whose to blame?
  2. I think I need to work with my self respect – so he can learn how to respect me
  3. I don’t think I want to marry him anymore – but then there’s this question of committed relationship on how you have to work through the bad times with your partner because relationship is not always bright and full of joy ?
  4. Love language – as long as we understand our love language – we were fine – but when we missed this out – we are not fine —- so is this means that our relationship is workable?
  5. People say that our relationship is toxic, that I should move on – question is – Am I Toxic or Is he toxic?
  6. I do like going to church with him – it feels weird when I’m alone going to church by my self
  7. He fills the gaps of my loneliness – I’m not really open to my personal stuff to people because I find that they will leave me / hate me behind once they know my weakness / idealism – this makes me feel like I’m not worthy of their companionship and one of the main reason why I don’t want to let my bf go – because I know once I let him go – he would become this MIA / untraceable person. – like he would just gone off forever even when he says that he would be my brother / best friend.
  8. I think i have issues with my mom. She’s like the missing puzzle of why I become like this – like i really need more of her time and communication without me trying to prove that I achieve something or in need of her validation so she won’t feel disappointed in me
  9. My bf has become a long time partner of mine – so it’s not the question of ‘you have to let him go’ or that teenage breakup – he’s been part of me ever since before my dearly oma gone and his mother gone
  10. I want to move on – but how? I still love him – or i can just say ‘I can still love you even I let go… ‘ that kind of qoute from 13 reason why….. 😀
  11. I always picture how my life without my bf now like when he passed away (touch wood) – how would i find my peace? am i going to be okay? are we still together? or he’s married to someone else that i was just his ex who attend his funeral or etc (touch wood)
  12. Is it wrong if i make choices to just stay with him BUT with me becoming less needy and independent like baby step – so he would realize that I also have value ? and letting him be the leader of the relationship? because I know this could happen too.
  13. At the end of the day, the only person who knows this kind of life is me, him, and Him.

so based on this case study or what I tell you – WHAT SHOULD I DO?

I know, typical right?

*inhale*

*Exhale*

 

Posted in Inspirational, My Life Stories, Theatre, Women

Learning how to be a great leader.

It’s funny how God work sometimes in my life.

Screen Shot 2017-06-10 at 03.02.41Screen Shot 2017-06-10 at 03.27.21

http://psychologia.co/leadership-test/

https://www.rt.com/news/world-most-notorious-tyrants/

https://michaelhyatt.com/why-the-best-leaders-are-great-followers.html

https://www.fastcompany.com/3029840/5-ways-being-a-good-follower-makes-you-a-better-leader

 

—-

I have this tendency of becoming a tyrant or an oppressed leader – where at the end people loses their respect to me because I’m just somehow becoming oppressed or selfish.

Honestly, I hate being like that. I valued others more and I want to learn to be better.

If people hate annoying person, then I’m that annoying person.

I mean all I mean is well but because I’m a concept maker not a good communicator – I lost their respect.

I can give you many great ideas but at the end somehow I asked people to do it – rather than me doing my ideas.   I mean i still do my ideas but I meant to delegate them to other people but somehow that would be wrong or oppressed.

I’m tired of becoming that person.

God created me with so many wonderful abilities, skills, creative ideas, talents, confidence, great looks, but somehow I have to fight my own tardiness, and all those negativity that comes behind me.

That would leave me to a way of ‘people will respected me and highly regard me then after a while they’re just tired of me’ – then leave me to ‘feeling unaccepted’ and ‘left out’ – these has been my life for many years – and I hate it.

‘I’m someone with great ideas and creative minds – but I’m lacking of emotional intelligence and somehow I really need to speak up about my negativity to others or my co-workers – so they know what to expect if one day I might break down.

or not up to par of what they expected of me.

I hate this and I don’t like it. At all. I hate being a tyrant and I don’t want to be one. I want to change and learning new steps that I have to take –

‘Conquering my own ego’

See, I’m my own worst enemy.

but I liked the fact that I never stop learning and that every single way God uses many ways to make me better.

Like the job that I have now.

I’m still new to this thing for them – even though I feel that I’m not really new to this business because I’ve been fangirling, stalking, crewing, and doing events for most of my life – but for them ‘I’m this new comer and I have to prove them that I can do it – and I’m up to their par.’

For some reason God give me this job that I always wanted – Artist liason. i love being it – and i feel that’s my purpose of why I was born.

But, on top of that, I have to work as a team. Even though I’m easily adaptable, but team work is like 5 ot 6 score for me – on the scale 1-10. That’s why at the beginning I said that its funny how God work sometimes.

I was this lonely kid – then He put me to this theatre group in church to expand my self and somehow from there I learned to be a team player.

And now with my current job, ‘I was this tyrant lady that likes to lead people then He put me to this new job that I liked and that somehow I have to learned how to be a good follower and listener.’

I’ve watched The Shack – from there I know how God works. He doesn’t want us to be stuck or feel stuck – but in order to move forward He put us into these life challenges or games so we can face it and win the race – and then moving forward.

I feel like I’m on the right track now – and I never feel more content in what I do. It’s like God finally put me in the job that suits me as a person AND at the same time He asks me to learn something new each day/each work/projects + learning to be a follower and a listener instead of being a leader or this tyrant person.

and I’m up for this challenge.

It’s gonna be hard – its never been easy.

But the outcome behind this in the future will be good.

I guess, “we never stop learning.”

Posted in Creative Writing, Fangirling, Inspirational, LO, My Life Stories, Women

As a music fan, I’m feelin’ blessed.

Can I just say that I’ve worked with/for AirSupply, Shane Filan, Keith Duffy, Brian McFadden and One Direction (kind of) personally?
 
#ThankYouJesus #NightReflection #FangirlGoals
Next Hospitality Team Goal:
 
– Harry Styles
– Niall Horan
– Ed Sheeran
– Liam Payne
– Westlife Reunion
 
I believe that throughout my work as hospitality team, God wants me to bring His mission / compassion / blessings through me to the artists that I served / helped. I believe that’s the ministry that God wants me to carry on for the Artist so they can see His love throughout my actions. 🙂
 
#ThankYouJesus #<3
Posted in Fangirling, My Life Stories, Women

How Being a Fangirl Saved You

I guess it’s not being the fangirl of an artist part that saved me because I believe in Christ Jesus and my faith teaches that we can’t served / worship idols in a way tht we worship our Idols like some kind of God or something.

But I wanted to point out that sometimes during though times – like desperations or even suicidal thoughts – God reminded me on how He wanted to use me to bless others in this case using my talent in production / theatre.

Every time I stalked my fav celebs, I always said to Him, ‘Use me for your glory. Help me in meeting them so I can be the extension of Your Hands to this artist.’ – Because guess what, Celebs are humans. 😀

People might say, ‘How lucky you are!’

When I met their fave celebs but I wanted to say ‘It’s not just luck. If God wanted you to meet them for a purpose, then He will help us. He will let us know where they are and perhaps, somehow we were just bumping into them.’

Like my story with Shane Filan from Westlife.

He was my first crush – my first fangirling moment – it drove me to learn English faster than ever so when I met them, I can communicate with them properly.

I still remember how desperate I was in meeting him. I remember talking about it with my late grandma – I begged her to pray for me – so that I can meet him – with his picture in my hand – we began to pray.

She cried and begged God, so that I can meet Shane. I was in grade 5 back then. She literary prayed it hard.

As a result of that, God said YES YES YES.

I met Shane during their third visit to Indonesia somewhere in a hotel room in 2007 – that’s where I met my fangirling friend, Ivy -who still got in touch with me until now. (See, how God just have another plan more than you could wished for?)

Neither that i know, years later, in 2016 (December) 0 God has another plan for me.

Shane was coming back to Indonesia – this time to  Manado.

One of my colleague was his booking agent and I offered him my help / assistance.

Turns out God has planned this AHEAD of me – since that prayer in 2001.

In Manado, my colleague approves and needs my help in assisting Shane during his times in Manado. I was his door man, private dining room organizer, his assistant, hi LO – I was inside the lift together with him and his manager – like literary ALONE – just the three of us.

I was also able to tell him that I was in Croke Park during his farewell tour. That was awesome. He was like ‘Whoa.’ Yeah, that was special. He dozed back to that memories. It meant a lot for him.

I gained his trust and his manager trust to assist him in Indonesia / during his stay in Manado and was able proof that I’m not just his fangirl but I can also work professionally and able to distance my self from being his fans to professional crew.

I was always wanted to be a LO / hospitality team for the artist during  concert.

And that dream come true, and begin to reveal in front of my eyes.

I also got the chance to hug him just before he went inside the Garuda plane – lol.

None of this would happen if I gave up my life to my suicidal thoughts.

None of this (me being Shane’s crew or even One Direction ‘sound crew’) if I gave up my life.

All of these ‘Lucky’ fan experiences happened because GOD HAS PLANNED IT FOR US – AHEAD. FOR OUR OWN GOODNESS! FOR OUR OWN PURPOSES on this earth to serve God and to bless others with our experiences!

I guess I could say,

“Fan ship saves me a bit BUT THAT’S BECAUSE God use it as a tool to remind me during my desperate / suicidal times / thoughts that:

“I can’t die now, I need to live on – to experience my next fangirl-ing moment / journey ahead that God has in store for me and I don’t want to missed it!! I have to LIVE!”

——–

Posted in Inspirational, My Life Stories, Women

Women and Budgeting

It began with a shopping list.


I walked around my apartment and see what hygiene products were currently run out and needed of a replacement.

and what items that I need to buy that I couldn’t buy previously because I was on a tight budget.

Because now I have money. Not to brag, but having money more than you need after living on a tight budget its a luxury plus its also a trap.

It’s a trap because now you are thinking ‘Oh, now I can spend them on whatever I want, or longing so far.’

and it’s also an illusion – you are playing that mind trick of having loads of money more than you need and you think that you are somekind of rich gal but you don’t know when is your next income will be because you were just forcedfully resigned by your previous company despite of how hard and diligent you work.

Anyways,

So yeah, there’s an urge in me of doing something. But I don’t want to do it. Even tho, I made the list.

the list to go and buy these lists at the nearest supermarket nearby my apartment.

There’s also a sense of ‘I don’t want to go because I might have lose all that hard earned money I got from assisting artist for the past weeks.’ but if I didn’t go, there’s nothing to do.

As in, I would just stay in the apartment, watching movies and all, and not spent my money at all.

But there’s also a sense of – I need to go because I need this soap, that facial cream, that tissue, and so on.

So there I go.

My plan was go to the supermarket, get that jumpsuit, and go home.

But no, I was stuck in the supermarket, contempleting between things that I wanted to buy or need to buy and so on.

I was there for HOURS.

I’m not gonna lie, I loved it there.

Putting things inside my shopping cart without thinking how much it cost and so on –

Restocking my rare conditioners inside that shopping cart – etc

Then there’s this time that I need to go to the cashier to pay for everything.

I realized that I took so much.

More than I need.

It’s making me realize how important planning and budgeting is – if you go to the supermarket.

Especially the big ones – where you can shop everything under one roof.

So I found a neck pillow – it was discounted and I’ve been longing for this pillow for quite sometimes.

Then I also found a mop/broom that I could use to clean up my apartment.

The rest was just tissues, fruits, soaps, etc.

It cost me like almost 90% of my paycheck.

I was confused.

Have you had that moment when you don’t want to buy but you know you need them and it can help you have that better life?

Yeah, that moment.

I had that – so I thought – Whatever, it’s my money – I can do whatever I want with it.

So yeah, there it was –

Me, no budgeting, and uncategorized money = REGRETS —

—-

I woke up the next day – regretting everything – even though I know I’ll use them and it’s not a waste of money – but still – I can do so much more than just buying toiletries stuff for my personal hygiene.

Even tho it’s restocking – but still, I can gained so much more if I invested that money somewhere else and only buy the things that I need.

Anyways, women and budgeting. It’s good until you gave up and just don’t care about how much you spent at all.

Till you wake up the next day.

Ha!

Happy International Womens day everyone !

Please don’t be like me when it comes to your money and always stay on your budget !

Cheers!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Concert, Inspirational, LO, My Life Stories, Theatre, Women

I was the LO for Air Supply Concert in Jakarta

Behind the scene of this story: I am seriously in awe of what God has written for me. I never thought I will finally able to serve Him through me being the LO or a Stage Manager. Never alone imagining that I would be here now, taking this pic, serving Air Supply / Graham and Russell, yet alone having that huge responsibility of driving the artist twice from the airport to the venue, got smooch twice from the artist and most importantly they are happy with our service. Weeks ago I was being forcefully resigned as ASM at my old office, if I choose to stay angry or dwelling with whats wrong and not moving forward, I would never have found my KIND of people, being surrounded by legends, and being trusted to serve them and use all that I got that God has given me for this opportunity. I love serving, i love helping, i love arranging dressing rooms, i love everything about production / concert / artist. I always wanted to be a LO, now that I am free, I’m looking forward 4 what God has written for me.

#THANKYOUJESUS🙌🏻

———

I’m still amazed by how God does His wonders where we wait faithfully on Him.

I never imagined in my whole life that I would be the LO for Air Supply – let alone being able to drive them around in Jakarta and being trusted??

Oh God.

I always wanted to be the LO or part of hospitality team.

and here I was.

Everything happens for a reason.

I believe that.

During this week where I was the LO for Air Supply – made me think loads of things that happened in the past.

Like, learning how to drive properly. How to park backwards, driving in reverse mode, was an Uber driver, and so on.

It all make sense. I remember when I wasn’t good at driving, I remember that my dad used to be afraid of me driving his car or even my own car -and because I was nekad, I finally able to drive using my instinct and here I was driving the artist from their hotel to the venue.

That seemed small but I was so nervous and kept praying about it that day.

Fortunately, everything went well and smoothly. Tho there were bumping roads here there and everywhere lol

But I’m okay, the artist was okay –

Long story short, our aim as the hospitality team was to make the artist and the band happy – which is for me that’s really easy – because I love helping, I love caring for people. So you can say, this LO job is for me. 😀

The concert went well, the artist and the band was extremely happy with our services.

After the concert, the LO team got the opportunity to take pic with the artist – and Russell was like, Thank you ! Can I have a smooch? – I said, sure! and I was hugging the artists, they were saying that I’m a good girl- LOL -okay…

I got two smooches from Russell that night – lol.

I wasn’t a big fan of Air supply before tho I sung their song occasionally, but now I do ! 😀

So yeah, that’s my story.

Behind those disappointment – you have to remember that your life is MOVING FORWARD – NOT BACKWARDS.

I thanked Jesus through Full Color Entertainment for this opportunity and I’m looking forward for more!

 

#ThankYouJESUS #LO #SM #HospitalityTeam