I have been facing so many rejections all my life.
Let it be friends, family, workplace, and so on
It’s like a melody where I don’t belong with others.
It’s like I have this fear of being rejected
It’s like I will go as this happy go lucky amazing awesome person at first
but then after several attempts in getting to know me
they will go away
And there’s that fear again
Hawking and mocking my heart and says
“You don’t belong, they will hate you.”
And every time that sense of fear comes, it’s coming true.
and I hate it every time that fear was right.
My heart start to ponder
Why I don’t belong with others? Why am I afraid to face it? Why I am afraid to tell them what I want?
Why is it so hard to let it go of what I want?
Why am I so stressed out every time?
Knowing that it would fail?
I hate me.
I’m fat now
Numbing my self to all Netflix shows and hoping that everything will go away.
I hate my self waking up at 4PM in the afternoon and still being up and awake at 4 AM in the morning.
It’s not healthy.
I mean, I know it’s not healthy, but why am I still doing it?
Why is it now becoming a routine?
I need sleep
Like a proper sleep
I need to push my reset button again.
I’ve made promise to my self that I would get fit this June.
I did one and two exercises here and there
But why am I still fat?
and I keep postponed things over and over again, like time is my best friend or I’m the owner of time – but it’s clearly not.
I mean I’m almost 30, and I don’t have a specific goal in life – I don’t have many friends
I always have trouble at work
I have so many skills and talent and yet I have no idea how to interact with other people.
Why am I like this?
Why am I always ended up alone, hated, and drained out ?
Why am I worry so much ?
Why acceptance, validation, and recognition is important to me?
Why can’t I be accepted?
Why is society always different than me?
I’m not the same as other people – I’m different like so different that it hurts
Because I will always ended up
But people picked it up one by one
Took picture about it
It looks great at first time
As a sign of symbol of gratitude or appreciation or something
But after all that greatness is gone,
They would just throw the flower away.
Just like me.