Posted in Creative Writing, Journal, Poetry

Flower by Varry

I have been facing so many rejections all my life.

Let it be friends, family, workplace, and so on

It’s like a melody where I don’t belong with others.

It hurts.

It’s like I have this fear of being rejected

It’s like I will go as this happy go lucky amazing awesome person at first

but then after several attempts in getting to know me

they will go away

And there’s that fear again

Hawking and mocking my heart and says

“You don’t belong, they will hate you.”

And every time that sense of fear comes, it’s coming true.

and I hate it every time that fear was right.

My heart start to ponder

Why?

Why I don’t belong with others? Why am I afraid to face it? Why I am afraid to tell them what I want?

Why is it so hard to let it go of what I want?

Why am I so stressed out every time?

Knowing that it would fail?

I hate me.

I’m fat now

Numbing my self to all Netflix shows and hoping that everything will go away.

I hate my self waking up at 4PM in the afternoon and still being up and awake at 4 AM in the morning.

It’s not healthy.

I mean, I know it’s not healthy, but why am I still doing it?

Why is it now becoming a routine?

I need sleep

Like a proper sleep

I need to push my reset button again.

I’ve made promise to my self that I would get fit this June.

I did one and two exercises here and there

But why am I still fat?

and I keep postponed things over and over again, like time is my best friend or I’m the owner of time – but it’s clearly not.

I mean I’m almost 30, and I don’t have a specific goal in life – I don’t have many friends

I always have trouble at work

I have so many skills and talent and yet I have no idea how to interact with other people.

Why am I like this?

Why am I always ended up alone, hated, and drained out ?

Why am I worry so much ?

Why acceptance, validation, and recognition is important to me?

Why can’t I be accepted?

Why is society always different than me?

I’m not the same as other people – I’m different like so different that it hurts

Because I will always ended up

Alone.

Flower

It’s beautiful

But people picked it up one by one

Smell it

Took picture about it

It looks great at first time

As a sign of symbol of gratitude or appreciation or something

But after all that greatness is gone,

They would just throw the flower away.

Just like me.

Posted in Church Life, Journal, My Life Stories, Personal

It’s time to change !

I finally taking the steps that is needed in my life.

I just realized I have been living in a stagnant for the past months / years !

Today in church, they were talking about living generously and having the generous mindset.

So after three weeks of non tithing, i finally been able to tithe and it does feels different. #thankYouJesus

they said that if we have a generous mindset and be the person that always giving – it wouldn’t make us depressed / self centred and makes us happy.

So start living generously people! 

Give to those who needs it the most – because in fact – the money that we have is the actually the money that we consume / chew / etc – not the money in the bank.

and when we give it to church / mission / to those who really need it – we transfer the money / our wealth to heaven not leaving it behind us when we died – because when we die, that money belongs to the family not to us – lol

The pastor says those things which is really make sense. If we want to bring wealth to heaven – then start living generously and have a generous mindset ! 

anyway, just want to say that I’ve finally decided to take CORE by NDC.

Since moving to West Jakarta – I have been attending the church for a year now – so it’s a bit weird if I don’t plant my self there lol – and I do like living in this West Jakarta complex because I can just walk to the mall / surrounded by it ! LOL ..

So here’s goes me reseting my self – my life again to the beginning.

I have been focusing on me me and me lately and it’s very depressing 

It’s time to give back.