Posted in Creative Writing, Journal, Poetry

Flower by Varry

I have been facing so many rejections all my life.

Let it be friends, family, workplace, and so on

It’s like a melody where I don’t belong with others.

It hurts.

It’s like I have this fear of being rejected

It’s like I will go as this happy go lucky amazing awesome person at first

but then after several attempts in getting to know me

they will go away

And there’s that fear again

Hawking and mocking my heart and says

“You don’t belong, they will hate you.”

And every time that sense of fear comes, it’s coming true.

and I hate it every time that fear was right.

My heart start to ponder


Why I don’t belong with others? Why am I afraid to face it? Why I am afraid to tell them what I want?

Why is it so hard to let it go of what I want?

Why am I so stressed out every time?

Knowing that it would fail?

I hate me.

I’m fat now

Numbing my self to all Netflix shows and hoping that everything will go away.

I hate my self waking up at 4PM in the afternoon and still being up and awake at 4 AM in the morning.

It’s not healthy.

I mean, I know it’s not healthy, but why am I still doing it?

Why is it now becoming a routine?

I need sleep

Like a proper sleep

I need to push my reset button again.

I’ve made promise to my self that I would get fit this June.

I did one and two exercises here and there

But why am I still fat?

and I keep postponed things over and over again, like time is my best friend or I’m the owner of time – but it’s clearly not.

I mean I’m almost 30, and I don’t have a specific goal in life – I don’t have many friends

I always have trouble at work

I have so many skills and talent and yet I have no idea how to interact with other people.

Why am I like this?

Why am I always ended up alone, hated, and drained out ?

Why am I worry so much ?

Why acceptance, validation, and recognition is important to me?

Why can’t I be accepted?

Why is society always different than me?

I’m not the same as other people – I’m different like so different that it hurts

Because I will always ended up



It’s beautiful

But people picked it up one by one

Smell it

Took picture about it

It looks great at first time

As a sign of symbol of gratitude or appreciation or something

But after all that greatness is gone,

They would just throw the flower away.

Just like me.

Posted in Creative Writing, Fangirling, Inspirational, LO, My Life Stories, Women

As a music fan, I’m feelin’ blessed.

Can I just say that I’ve worked with/for AirSupply, Shane Filan, Keith Duffy, Brian McFadden and One Direction (kind of) personally?
#ThankYouJesus #NightReflection #FangirlGoals
Next Hospitality Team Goal:
– Harry Styles
– Niall Horan
– Ed Sheeran
– Liam Payne
– Westlife Reunion
I believe that throughout my work as hospitality team, God wants me to bring His mission / compassion / blessings through me to the artists that I served / helped. I believe that’s the ministry that God wants me to carry on for the Artist so they can see His love throughout my actions. 🙂
#ThankYouJesus #<3
Posted in Creative Writing, Script, Theatre

Encounters with Jesus Rationale

The idea of Jesus coming to strangers, made them whole again always intrigues me and that is why I choose John 4:4-26. I’ve been making a play for my church theatre based on Jesus encounters with the lost man/person. One of the examples was Safe (Me) one of my play that was produced for a 10 min Christmas advent drama/skit. The story of Safe (Me) begins with a girl who lost everything, including her home, family, her only mother, finances, etc and was mad to God, asking God of why He would let her suffering like this – until the day an Angelic character/ a Man character come out of nowhere to ask about where’s the street/ asking for directions.

This was very similar to how Jesus encounters with the Samaritan woman in the well – where he asked for water but he actually had a plan. In the text, “Assumes that Jesus and the disciples had such a bucket, but the disciples had taken it with them to the city. Jesus could easily have requested that they leave it behind for his use. But he had a plan.” Bailey, K.2008, page 202.

In my story of Safe (Me), the Man character representing Jesus than brings a whole new life and hope to this girl. It took time for the girl to finally understand what the Man character meant – but her defense starts to melt down when the Man reveals her past and knows her life. In John 4:4-25 – it also tell how Jesus approach the woman, by asking a drinking water from the well to where Jesus reveals the woman past even though the woman was trying to push Jesus away by saying, “You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?” – John 4:9 (NIV) then at the end she finally believes and said, “I know that Messiah (called Christ) is coming. When he comes, he will explain everything to us.” – John 4:25 (NIV)

In both stories (Samaritan women and Safe (Me)) have a similar character arch and journey and to be honest, I didn’t know this until I read John 4:4-26 when I did my research. There’s always a gap in between of my knowledge, that I understand Jesus grace are able to cure/saved the sinful woman or a lost person saved but I didn’t always know which chapter they are written in the Bible.

Before Safe Me – there was a similar story called BACK – which my friend, Lingkan wrote in 2009 for A New Years Eve – the character journey was the same, where she just lost everything due to the Tsunami disasters – she was wearing all black, the set was during night time in the park – where there’s a crazy women and homeless guy lived in that park (I was playing as the crazy women) and there she was crying, hauling and was talking to her self like she’s about to go mad. Then there’s this strange man came out of no where with the introduction line, ”May I seat here, next to you?” this man then reveal the past of her, how she lost her family, and how she has to let go everything and believes in Christ. This Man is the representative of Christ. She then learn to let go after seeing a woman came in asking for help – it was really hard for her after this man left but her self defense was defeated when she finally realize that this man was right.

During my writing session of Safe (Me) – I was inspired by two things, the BACK story (the setting, the character, and the journey) and SAFE (a song by Westlife which I played in on repeat) – These two stories has a similar character arch/story arch to John 4:4-26 – Which I’m really happy to wrote it down the new ones and this time the story will be based on this John 4:4-26 and with “Thank You Jesus” by Hillsong Live song. I could’ve hand in my SAFE (ME) play to you as my creative drama play but I don’t think it’s good enough, thou I will still attached it in my submission as my point of reference.

In making this story it will be truly based on John 4:4-26, Jesus Through Middle Eastern Eyes, Encounters With Jesus (which explains to me about the setting and how they are in those days) and the new Hillsong Live song, “Thank You Jesus” (which I will also attached the lyrics and the MP3).

The setting of the play is in a park by the 6 hours, a man who is Jesus enters like a traveler, asking for food or a direction. I’m going to modernize the lines base on the New Living Translation, because I feel that the script it self from the Bible – there’s a dramatic values in it – especially when Jesus finally reveals himself, “I am he.” – John 4:26 (NIV) So you will find similarities from the bible chapter but this story is adapted to a possible drama skit for my church theatre in Indonesia.

In the commentary book that I read for the research, there was a specific explanation on how Jesus can’t casually just sat down in the well and interacts with the women – there were so many boundaries that Jesus violated by meeting with this women in the well. “In the world of the Gospels, boundaries that prohibited contact or behavior served to protect honor and social status. In some cases – as in rules that controlled how unmarried men and women could meet – they protected the purity of families and moral values, and they avoided the possibility of unfortunate accusations.” – Burge.G, 2010, page 101.

So you can imagine that His encounter with the Samaritan woman was awkward and uncomfortable. From the same book, chapter 5, page 104, Burge.G, 2010, also tell us to “Imagine on how the woman arrives at the famous Jacob well with a water jar, Jesus sits on its lid or the edge, and he ask for a water because He doesn’t have the jar/bucket.” Also according to Burge.G, 2010, page 104; the Samaritan women “had known wayward men”. So we can imagine how the situation like on the setting, I would specifically asked my actors to read this Encounter with Jesus book – chapter 5, page 104, to understand the characterization and the situation of the play.

It’s not just about “Oh, Jesus sat there, explaining to me how the living water is, and there I am, whole again.” It’s more than that. This encounter is so powerful that changes this women life and even made her a convert and a believer to Christ. I could really imagine if the women was me, where I had like five husband, ex- husband, and a man who was currently living with me – and yet I was actively involved in church but no one really understand or even know my situation carefully.

I would feel that I lived in a double life – until someone who’s like Jesus or someone that God sent to saved me spoken to me and said, “It doesn’t matter if you are serving here in church or in another church, I know you are thirsty. You are thirsty of life, the truth meaning of life. You’ve been running away for so long. But it’s time to come back. Do you know Christ? Do you know the living water? You can have it right at this moment when you say it to your self, “Jesus, forgive me. For I am sinned, and I believe you right now, give me a new life; I want to start all over again, as I believe that You are my Lord and Savior. Amen.” – then the song of “Thank You Jesus” came and I would probably down on my knees and cried.

So that’s why I want to highlight the moment where the women try to step back because she was in shock of “how do you know I don’t have a husband, etc” – John 4:17 (NIV) but she stays there because there’s a powerful forces in her heart that makes her stay and continues her conversation with this Man/Jesus.

The setting of the play is also similar to the Bible but with modern setting, like a modern nativity play but simple – then it closes with my church theatre worship team singing “Thank You Jesus” as the background where this women still in shock and tears come down from her eyes as the light slowly fades away from the stage and highlighting the singers singing the song. I keep the story simple but meaningful for the congregation to take home with them.






  • Bailey, K. 2008, Jesus Through Middle Eastern Eyes: The Woman at the Well, Downers Grove: InterVarsity, USA
  • Burge, G. 2010, Encounters with Jesus: Chapter 5, A Woman in Samaria, Zondervan, USA –
  • Matthews, V. 1988, Manners and Customs in The Bible: Chapter 5, Intertestamental and New Testament Period, Hendrickson Publishers, USA –


  • Holy Bible, New International Version, 2011, John 4:4-26, Hodder and Stoughton, UK
  • Holy Bible, New Living Translation, 2007, John 4:4-26, Tyndale House Foundation, USA
  • Alkitab, Bahasa Indonesia Translation, 1974, Yohanes 4:4-26, Lembaga Alkitab Indonesia, BOGOR







  • “Thank You Jesus” written by Hillsong Live, 2013, (work is unpublished, I’m able to access this because they’ve been singing it in the service and I recorded it)


  • Raharja, V. 2012, Safe (Me) for Christmas Advent Drama, Teater Mono GKI, Indonesia
  • Bimoro, L. 2009, BACK for New Years Eve Skit, Teater Mono GKI, Indonesia


Posted in byVarry, Creative Writing, Script, Theatre

AMAR. (Based on a Day Dream)

Written by Varry.Styles

Date: Thu – Fri, 13-14 Apr 2017 – 05:53AM

Version 1


(For A Potential Film)


Year 2025


There lived a big Arab/Middle East/Indian family in a small tiny household. They have mom, dad, one daughter, and one son – who are just recently married to a Chinese girl.


This household is like any Indian familly – wears saris and all – except Amar and Xen Zhen. This household also lives in one complex where there’s uncle, auntie, cousins, step dad, grandmas, grandpas, everything.


The son named Amar marries this Chinese girl name Xen Zhen.


They’re both in love.


This story is about Amar and Xen Zhen journey as husband and wife.


Amar is 25, while Xen Zhen is 30.


Amar is a quiet and reserved man while Xen Zhen is very outspoken, emotional, independent, ambitious, a career woman, and sometimes full of anger.


Amar works as a construction guy for a big science company named ‘Scientia’ while Xen Zhen works part time as a lab assistant on the same company.


This company currently develops a new butterfly technology where they can maneuver and record things like a drone. A Living Butterfly not a machine butterfly.


One day, there’s chaos happened on the company, where they’re currently experimenting a killer machine butterfly and it has run off out of their lab facility and everybody is looking for it.


Once you’re bitten with this butterfly on your skin, you’ll react and you’ll die suddenly. This killer butterfly is smart – if you’re invited them in – like ‘OMG, it’s beautiful and reaches your hand – they’ll fly to your hand and bite you if you make sudden move.


It’s been three weeks since the butterfly was missing.



Amar and Xen Zhen are currently adjusting to their married life. There have been so many trust issues happening on both of them. Though Xen Zhen is a 5 years older than Amar, she’s sometimes can be a little bit childish in terms of her trust issues.


This is because she can’t move on to her future and still holding on to her past grudges, where her past relationships betrayed her.


Amar is a young boy whom just learning on how to be a husband to his wife – and they met on occasional basis at their work place – and his parents always pushed him to get married to any woman that attracts him – but he only can choose one woman.


So when he met Xen Zhen, he immediately proposed her asking her to be his wife – at only 6 months of relationship. Xen Zhen likes Amar too so she said yes.


Before working as lab assistant, Xen Zhen works freelance as event organizer, concert planner, and was a bit creative – but that industry was long gone in the past, while the government forced its citizens to study and work in a science field – and they’ll give money and training to those who want to switch gears. SO Xen Zhen was forced to do that.


Then she met Amar – and they both chatted and quickly became friends.


When Amar asked the question, she was a bit surprised because it was too early – but even though they’re friends, they’re both very passionate and on fire in terms of their physical contact.


After the wedding, Xen Zhen moves to Amar little house where he still lived with his parents – they have this small tiny room – where sometimes Amar’s little sister sleeps with them.


Coming from big family, Xen Zhen was happy and taking her wife responsibility really well – and wasn’t really surprised about Amar’s big family and his little tiny house.


For her, as long as there’s a double bed – even though it’s on the floor – she’s okay.


Adjusting to their married life, Xen Zhen starts wearing Sari’s at home, serving his husband tea and all the wives duties.


She also feels that her husband won’t listen to her advice and he just want to do his own way – she only intend good, but sometimes her husband wouldn’t listen to her.


She loves him very much – but the question is, does he really cares / loved her so much as she did to him?


Yes, he purposed her, but that’s because his parents asked him to get married really fast – not because of his willing.


That’s why he had this attitude of doing things his way because even though their relationship was passionate at first, that fire starts to burn down slowly but surely.


It’s their first anniversary, when that killer butterfly was on the loose. Amar and Xen Zhen was sitting on their company garden – having some sort of picnic style lunch break during there lunch hours with some friends.


They’re giant trees hanging – the day was nice. Then one of their friends, saw this yellow eyed butterfly – and they suddenly remember that they have to warned themselves and be careful to not touch any flying butterfly that comes their way because they don’t know which color the killing butterfly was.


One of their friends looked at the yellow butterfly closely and they said this one was safe. Xen Zhen and Amar chatted not far from where their friends found this yellow butterfly where they saw this one beautiful white butterfly flying to Amar’s waving hands.


“Amar! Becareful, that might be the killer butterfly! It’s dangerous here, we should go back inside, “ yelled Xen Zhen.


“Yes Amar! OMG, That’s the killer butterfly! Watch out!,” their friends replied and watch Amar still won’t listen to them.


Xen Zhen reacts quickly and shoo away the killer butterfly – and said to Amar,”Amar, you have to becareful next time! Why didn’t you trust and listen to me, ah ?” Xen Zhen replied and felt betrayed.


Not long after Xen Zhen shoo the killer butterfly away, they thought that butterfly has gone, but turns out that white killer butterfly went back and immediately targeted Xen Zhen, like a machine.


All of their friends reacted and warned Xen Zhen, ‘Watch out! The butterfly is attacking you now! “ The killer butterfly got into Xen Zhen nose and bite her. Amar didn’t react or even tried to save Xen Zhen from it, it’s like he just doesn’t care. He just left Xen Zhen at the park after it happened.


Their friends helped out and immediately found an antidote in the forms of big ants that they found in the park and attached it to Xen Zhen’s nose so that the poison from the killer butterfly is transferred to the big ant that acted as antidote. This attack left Xen Zhen sick for 1 week and had a really big red nose.


When Xen Zhen was resting at home, she worries about her husband, Amar. He didn’t come home after that accident. She’s been looking for him and asking help from Amar’s family about his whereabouts but no one told her where he was. It’s like he’s running away from her. She was so furious, afraid of her what happened on her past relationship appears again to her – she gathered all the energy that she had from the attack that make her sick / weak – to go to the city and find Amar.


She looked for Amar for days and when she was about to give up, she went to the train station, the big building, and there’s this helipad and it’s working helicopter – words of the streets spread out about Amar whereabouts.


She asked Amar’s friends and found out that he actually has move jobs to work with another big company in the city under the city government as a construction crew guy. He worked under this big boss name Paela as his assistant. She was shocked. It’s like her husband has gone for two weeks and has a completely new life.


During this time, she was in the middle of the buzzing city life – inside a cemented grey building where it looks like a NY train station platform in terms of the size. She saw this helicopter about to go off – where she spotted a familiar face hanging on to a beautiful young lady. She knew that was him. That was Amar.


She immediately walked up to him and snatched his hands right away. Amar was shocked. He saw his sick and red swollen face wife. The young girl was shocked too – She asked, ”Who’s this Amar?” – Amar quickly answers, “Err.. No one. She’s no one.”


Xen Zhen was hurt by what Amar said and quickly brings him to a reality. “Who dare you, calling me no one, when I’m actually your sick wife?! You, you created that killer butterfly to kill me don’t you? Why do you marry me at the first place then? To get my money, ah? You are nothing without me. You have no choice. You either go home with me right now and do your duty as a husband or you stay here with this young lady and I will be away forever from your life?! Choose wisely. PLUS. Your family is worried sick about you! Just please come home.”


Amar has no choice. He looked at the young woman that he actually cares and loved with full of regrets, hurt, and sadness. Slowly, he was reluctant to leave his young woman behind, but Xen Zhen forcedfully pulled him away from her, leaving him devastated and just by his eyes, she knew he doesn’t loved her anymore and he loves that young woman instead of her. Amar finally give in to Xen Zhen, because he didn’t have any choice and he knew that he had to be responsible as husband, like his husband duty was called and he knew his wife needed him.


They both walked slowly unto the escalator of the building and to the train station to get back home. On there way home, Xen Zhen firmly says, “We need to talk.” Amar was quiet on their way home and had tears on his eyes.

They arrived home; she sat him down on a pavement – where they lived. It’s liked a remotely slums dirty local area, where the house was tiny and stand side by side. It looks like a big giant warehouse with so many families living under the same roof / location.


She sat him down and asked him questions, “Why did you do this to me? What have I done to make you unhappy?” When she felt that she can finally talked to him without having the interruptions or over caring from Amar’s family, his family saw that Amar’s finally back home, and then jump in – there were crowd from his parents, cousins, siblings, and up to his grandparents parents – all wearing nice red traditional sari’s –


For once, Xen Zhen was losing her mind – she thought that she could finally have sometime alone with her estranged husband without the interruption from his family – there it goes! His family came through and all that she could say was “CAN YOU GUYS PLEASE LEAVE US ALONE. WE GOT THIS. WE DON’T NEED YOUR INTERRUPTION! PLEASE LEAVE US ALONE. GO BACK TO YOUR HOUSE. I WILL TELL YOU ONCE WE ARE DONE WITH OUR BUSINESS!!!” – She repeated this multiple times because Amar’s family from all his side kept coming and kept saying ”Yes we know, we’re just worried about him.” She then quickly answered, “YES, I KNOW. BUT PLEASE GIVE US SOME TIME ALONE. WE NEED TO FIX OUR MARRIAGE. PLEASE. SHOO SHOO..”


They all finally went away after that big scarce from Xen Zhen. Amar was just like sitting down on the pavement block with his face down feeling guilty about what he just did to his wife.


“Where were you? Why didn’t you come home and looked after your sick wife? You won’t think I know that was you that created that killer butterfly? C’mon AMAR, don’t be childish! I worked there in the lab and I know what you’ve been up to!” – Xen Zhen yells.


She then continued, “I was ALONE AMAR, ALONE. I defended you from that killer butterfly of yours, and you just left me be? You want to kill me don’t you? What will you do without me, ah? You chose me to be your wive, WHY? You proposed me but yet you run away with other girl and living the life like you’ve never lived here all your life? I mean who are you now? I don’t even know you!” – Xen was crying straight after, leaving Amar feeling guilty than before.


“I’m sorry.” – He slowly replied.


“I was lost…” – He continues. “I don’t know what else I can do, I don’t really love you but I have to marry you. We’re both very passionate at first but that was it, after we get married, I don’t know what to do anymore – I feel our fire has burnt down – like there’s no more in me about you. I’m sorry if I hurt you. I didn’t mean to.”


Xen Zhen was utterly devastated. She couldn’t reply to what he just said. She was speechless. She loves him but that feelings turn out wasn’t mutual. They have signed that matrimony paper where once husband and wife, they can’t get divorced or else they have to be in jail. The government era was really tough and control freak during this era.


She has no choice other than staying with him and tries to worked out their marriage. She left Amar on that pavement – packs her bags – and they continued living as husband and wife but separately.


As for Scientia, the company was closed and due to an investigation. The killer butterfly has killed almost all their employees; this happened when Amar was away to the city and when Xen Zhen was sick.


Since Amar was the creator of the killer butterfly, he was no hero after all. He just failed in life really. Don’t you think??