I’m writing this blog post in reaction to what happened to me today at the church that I just attended for three months. It’s too soon maybe to judged but this post it’s not about judging them, but questioning either or not they did what Jesus teach for us / His messages for us in this earth.
Just recently, I got news to join an auditon for a PA ministry and was so excited to join their performing arts ministry audition. I thought, with what I got – the skills, the talent, the experience in the ministry they would be thrilled to accept me and join their team. I was so eager to serve Him again through drama ministry. I’ve been longed to do the ministry again after quite sometime off.
I’d normally attend the church service at 15:30pm – but because the audition is on today at 14:30 PM – I’m committed to join their third church service at 12:45nn – and I was early! I thought that they would start at 11:45 but turns out I was early. They talked about “Salt of the Earth.” – how to become the influencer in this world. and so on. We also received a holy communion. They sing my favorite songs. I remember when the church service has ended, I felt joy and positive to face the rest of my week.
Again, I was super hyped and confident that I would nailed the audition for their PA ministry and it meant something for me.
Drama ministry has been always my thing. My passion. The reason why I studied Theatre. It’s what I live and breath with. So when there’s finally a chance to do it – in a good church that actually supports its ministry, that passionate fire burns within me and I was so excited by it.
I thought “I got this, with all the skills – talents – experience – and everything – I’m pretty sure I will get in. ”
Tho, I know there’s one of their requirements that require all applicant to finished all the church classes before joining them. –> I ignored this, I thought I could join the class while serving Him through the PA ministry. I also thought that I join one of their small community group would helped me be accepted in their ministry.
With that thought in mind, I kept calming my self to not be arrogant and to stay humble as it is. I know that I got this. I know that my experience will thrive and will get me into a successful audition.
Long story short, they called my name. I got in, and I introduce my self.
‘Hi, my name is Vania.’
One of them read what I fill at the forms. They asked, “What is BA Dramatic Arts?” in Bahasa of course
I explain to them that BA Dramatic arts equals to a degree, a S1 Degree – and that I actually got a degree in Drama – in theatre – but it came across to me that they don’t understand that ? – then they asked me – “Oh, so you are in theatre. Is it performance?” “Yeah, but I do both, Performance and Production, either way, I’m cool.”
then they asked me to act as a new servant in Bahasa and asked me to introduce my short profile, my name, my birthday, my phone number etc. – I did that. then they asked me to be a Jutek angry overpowering person – and I became just that – then they asked me to say things in Bataknese – I tried but I need to learn the language first – i said to them – They asked me to sing as well thou I explain to them that I don’t have the perfect voice – but then I sing to them as well.
then they asked me to become an evil witch in English – then in Bahasa – I did just that.
The review that I got from one of the panel was – “It’s seems that it’s natural for you to speak in English. But you can’t speak in Bahasa.” and then I said to them “Well, I speak both. Because I studied in Sydney and normally that conducts in English, I have to speak and pronounce well in English. But I can do both. – for dialect wise, I can study it if you asked me to do it in Bahasa with a dialect.”
then the other panel asked me about my involvement in the church
“Kamu baru join date September 2016 ya?” “Kamu belom pernah ikutan kelas2 kita ya?” “Salah satu syarat untuk join PA ministry adalah kamu harus lulus dulu kelas kelas ini. Menjadikan gereja kita sebagai darah daging kamu dulu, then kamu baru bisa join ministry ini. ”
It came across to me that they don’t know that I’ve been serving in Drama Ministry for 10 years, and that I know things and two about serving God. It also came across to me that I’m new to the ministry – or their type of ministry. It also came across to me that I have to wait for the next batch of audition until I finished all those three classes. It also came across to me that they want me there but they also have the particular standard of their church that they have to follow – that I have to join the classes and finished all those classes first then I can finally join and serve God with their ministry.
I stood there and cried.
in front of them.
Like I don’t want to cry but because this audition meant so much for me. I missed serving Him through drama ministry. I missed it so much. And I was sooo eager that gue sampe bela2in buat datang ke gereja jam segitu gak pake telat (yang biasanya telat) demi audisi itu.
I explained to them, that I served Him in drama ministry for 10 years, I also served in Hillsong for three years as one of the tv and backstage crew for Hillsong conference.
but they kept insists that I can’t join them because I haven’t finished all those classes and because I’m still new to the church.
THIS HURTS ME.
BECAUSE I KNOW, IF JESUS KNOWS ABOUT THIS, I’M PRETTY SURE HE’S GOING TO BE MAD AND ANGRY ABOUT THIS.
I thought that I can join their PA Ministry and become active in the church and also joining their classes too alongside with this ministry – but yeah the answer still no.
I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS.
THE FIRST TIME EVER, I WAS REJECTED TO SERVE GOD THROUGH MY TALENT BECAUSE I AM STILL NEW TO THE CHURCH – WHILE MY HEART IS ALREADY WILLING TO GIVE IT ALL TO THIS CHURCH – BUT YET, THEY REJECTED ME.
Before I left the panel, I said it to them, well I don’t know if maybe there’s next time? I don’t know where God put me next. But maybe if God wants me here – He wants me here so you know .
Then I just left.
I never cried so badly like that – I said to them “Sorry, I didn’t meant to cry. It’s just this meant a lot for me. It’s been hard to find a good church that I could grow and I finally found a good church here and I want to serve Him – but yeah, maybe it’s not my timing now.” – So I left the room immediately, even though I know they still want me there – like they said, “Don’t take it as you can’t serve here. It’s just we have a standard – we have a church standard that we have to accomplished and fulfilled – before you can join us in the ministry. You can join us next batch – We will accept you then.”
MY QUESTION IS – WILL JESUS SAID THIS TO ME TODAY? IS IT A JESUS STANDARD? OR IS IT JUST YOUR EXCLUSIVITY ?!?
Because I have experience what a very good church standard its like. I’ve experienced a church culture that everybody is welcome – That Jesus is the centre of everything – that church has become my home – and maybe part of me crying was because – I’m longing. I’m longing to go back to that church that I called Home. and that rejection made me realize how much I missed Hillsong and it’s culture. And how much I can’t replace it with any of the church here in Jakarta / Indonesia – because every church culture is different – even to those so called Hillsong network church – they have different approach.
That church was talking about “Influence” but is it all just word by word – not words turns into action ?
“I NEVER EXPERIENCED THAT I WAS REJECTED NOT BECAUSE OF MY SKILLS OR MY EXPERIENCE OR MY TALENT BUT BECAUSE I WAS NEW TO THAT CHURCH. THE CHURCH THAT I WAS SO READY TO GIVE IT MY ALL – MY TIME, MY ROOTS, MY SERVICE – BUT YET, THEY REJECTED ME AND TOLD ME THAT I WASN’T MENDARAH DAGING ENOUGH TO JOIN THEIR MINISTRY.”
WOW. JUST WOW.
I don’t want to judged, but WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?
SOMETIMES, AS CHRISTIANS WE FORGOT THAT JESUS IS NOT ABOUT EXCLUSIVITY – JESUS IS ABOUT LOVE – HE LOVES EVERYONE AND HE DOES NOT EXCLUDE HIMSELF TO THOSE THAT ARE NEW TO HIM – OR EVEN TO US AS SINNERS– HE DIED FOR US ?!
“WHAT WOULD JESUS DO IF HE WAS IN THAT ROOM WITH ME?
HE KNEW MY HEART
HE KNEW MY PASSION TO SERVE HIM
HE KNEW THAT I WAS SO EAGER TO SERVE HIM AGAIN THROUGH DRAMA MINISTRY
AND HE ALSO KNEW THAT I AM STILL NEW TO THAT CHURCH
AND THAT CHURCH REJECTED ME TO SERVE HIM BECAUSE I WAS STILL NEW?
CMON, WAKE UP.
WE ARE LIVING IN THE END TIMES NOW AND CHRISTIANS ARE IN DESPERATE NEED OF FEELING THE REAL LOVE OF JESUS CHRIST – EXPERIENCE HIS MESSAGE – HIS LOVE – HIS MERCY – HIS GRACE
WHAT WOULD JESUS DO IF HE WAS THERE?
I’M SURE HE KNEW WHAT I EXPERIENCE TODAY.
I TOOK IT AS ‘OKAY, MAYBE THIS ISN’T FOR ME.’
OR THIS ISN’T MY JOURNEY TO TAKE.
IT’S THEIR LOST.
I JUST PRAY THAT THEY WOULD WAKE UP FROM THEIR EXCLUSIVITY.”
After I left the audition room, my boyfriend is waiting for me outside with the water that I asked him. I immediately run to the stairs, where other auditionees were maybe looking at me – because I was holding my tears. I went to the stairs when no one saw me – and I immediately lost all my respect to this church – like I don’t want to do anything about them anymore. Like I was so hurt by the rejection, by their exclusivity – because I had experience what Jesus loves are – I’ve experienced how I grew in a big church like Hillsong and serve Him there without any questions – like they accepted me with open arms, even though I was new there, they welcomed, they hugged, they accepted me for who I am. They’re like my family when I was in Sydney. [Even in London! I haven’t been there yet and planning to go there for my masters, I met one of the Hillsong London church leaders and she already welcome me to serve there wayyy before I arrive?? She said ‘you would be happy there ! We welcome you with open arms! When you arrive, just look for me okay?’ Wow!] And to got a rejection from their so called network in Indonesia – that doesn’t reflect the Hillsong culture that I know and have good experience about it – hurts me like hell.
*I even played “Even When It Hurts – while writing this – lol*
I cried at the stairs. My bf kept asking me, “Something wrong?” – It was so rare to have him accompany me to an audition – he would normally do his own thing and left me to my occasion – but for this audition he stayed. Then I cried, then he gave me the water that I asked for – “nih airnya” He knew I was crying – I just walked pass him because I was so hurt and angry – and drink the water – He kept asking me what’s wrong and after I asked him for an Ice cream, I told him what happened inside the audition room and he just laughed.
Because he knew it before than I do. He knew that I can’t join their ministry because of the church exclusivity – this church is known for its edgy, young people vibe but yet it’s so exclusive that in order to serve Him you have to have it in your bloods first then you can join them –
I asked him, “Why did you stay? normally you would left me into my occasion? Is it because you have a feeling that something went wrong during the audition?” He said “Yes.” “I had a feeling that you would cry after the audition and that something wrong.”
That is so sweet of him. I drank the water he gave me – it’s like he doesn’t hug me but he gave me water to drink and calm my nerves. Thinking about it right now – it’s like God calms me through my bf voice by giving me water that I asked before? #ThankYouJesus #WhenGodUnderstandYouAndGivesYouWaterToCalmYourNerves
Looking it back, I knew that God doesn’t like this act of exclusivity. Denying an eager servant to serve Him just because I’m still new? Well, It’s not my place to judged this church – I would still attend their classes, their komsel, their services – but maybe not their ministry. Even though I really really want to – but for what?
They even don’t understand what a BA in Dramatic Arts are – they don’t even understand my value, my skills, my talents, my experiences in Drama ministry and theatre – why should I join them then? For what?
“If people don’t know your values and what you’re worth at – you should just walked away – because they don’t understand how much values and skills that you would bring to them. You’ll ended up disappointed and it’s better to just walk away than just to waste your energy. Find someone or some community that understand your value and VALUES you.” – VnZ Qoutes.
So yeah, It’s their lost.
Maybe it’s not my journey with them.
Maybe this time, God wants me to serve Him for this world, this world outside of the church platform. Just when I finally decided to leave my own church theatre that I created to pursue much more bigger audience – more industrial –
More to like the world world – where people don’t know about Jesus yet – where people doesn’t know about how and amazing His grace are – throughout my creations in arts, my poetry, my skills, my attitude, my talent –> to the unknown rivers – and I’m ready for that.
So yes God,
“Please take this mountain weight, take this ocean tears, hold me through the trial, come like hope again. Even when the fight seems lost, I’ll praise you. Even when it hurts like hell, I’ll praise you.
So here’s to the unknown rivers – to that unknown journey – to that behold moments – to that stand in awe and be amazed moments – to that serving You with all I got without any exclusivity – to that rivers, desserts, unknown oceans. I’m here to worship You. You are all I want.
My heart burns only for You. I will only sing Your praise.
Take me God, because I’m ready. ”