Posted in Church Life, Journal, My Life Stories, Personal

It’s time to change !

I finally taking the steps that is needed in my life.

I just realized I have been living in a stagnant for the past months / years !

Today in church, they were talking about living generously and having the generous mindset.

So after three weeks of non tithing, i finally been able to tithe and it does feels different. #thankYouJesus

they said that if we have a generous mindset and be the person that always giving – it wouldn’t make us depressed / self centred and makes us happy.

So start living generously people! 

Give to those who needs it the most – because in fact – the money that we have is the actually the money that we consume / chew / etc – not the money in the bank.

and when we give it to church / mission / to those who really need it – we transfer the money / our wealth to heaven not leaving it behind us when we died – because when we die, that money belongs to the family not to us – lol

The pastor says those things which is really make sense. If we want to bring wealth to heaven – then start living generously and have a generous mindset ! 

anyway, just want to say that I’ve finally decided to take CORE by NDC.

Since moving to West Jakarta – I have been attending the church for a year now – so it’s a bit weird if I don’t plant my self there lol – and I do like living in this West Jakarta complex because I can just walk to the mall / surrounded by it ! LOL ..

So here’s goes me reseting my self – my life again to the beginning.

I have been focusing on me me and me lately and it’s very depressing 

It’s time to give back. 

 

Posted in Church Life, Inspirational, My Life Stories

The Church, Influence, and It’s exclusivity. What would Jesus do?

I’m writing this blog post in reaction to what happened to me today at the church that I just attended for three months. It’s too soon maybe to judged but this post it’s not about judging them, but questioning either or not they did what Jesus teach for us / His messages for us in this earth.

Just recently, I got news to join an auditon for a PA ministry and was so excited to join their performing arts ministry audition. I thought, with what I got – the skills, the talent, the experience in the ministry they would be thrilled to accept me and join their team. I was so eager to serve Him again through drama ministry. I’ve been longed to do the ministry again after quite sometime off.

I’d normally attend the church service at 15:30pm – but because the audition is on today at 14:30 PM – I’m committed to join their third church service at 12:45nn – and I was early! I thought that they would start at 11:45 but turns out I was early. They talked about “Salt of the Earth.” – how to become the influencer in this world. and so on. We also received a holy communion. They sing my favorite songs. I remember when the church service has ended, I felt joy and positive to face the rest of my week.

Again, I was super hyped and confident that I would nailed the audition for their PA ministry and it meant something for me.

Drama ministry has been always my thing. My passion. The reason why I studied Theatre. It’s what I live and breath with. So when there’s finally a chance to do it – in a good church that actually supports its ministry, that passionate fire burns within me and I was so excited by it.

I thought “I got this, with all the skills – talents – experience – and everything – I’m pretty sure I will get in. ”

Tho, I know there’s one of their requirements that require all applicant to finished all the church classes before joining them. –> I ignored this, I thought I could join the class while serving Him through the PA ministry. I also thought that I join one of their small community group would helped me be accepted in their ministry.

With that thought in mind, I kept calming my self to not be arrogant and to stay humble as it is. I know that I got this. I know that my experience will thrive and will get me into a successful audition.

Long story short, they called my name. I got in, and I introduce my self.

‘Hi, my name is Vania.’

One of them read what I fill at the forms. They asked, “What is BA Dramatic Arts?” in Bahasa of course

I explain to them that BA Dramatic arts equals to a degree, a S1 Degree – and that I actually got a degree in Drama – in theatre – but it came across to me that they don’t understand that ? – then they asked me – “Oh, so you are in theatre. Is it performance?” “Yeah, but I do both, Performance and Production, either way, I’m cool.”

then they asked me to act as a new servant in Bahasa and asked me to introduce my short profile, my name, my birthday, my phone number etc. – I did that. then they asked me to be a Jutek angry overpowering person – and I became just that – then they asked me to say things in Bataknese – I tried but I need to learn the language first – i said to them – They asked me to sing as well thou I explain to them that I don’t have the perfect voice – but then I sing to them as well.

then they asked me to become an evil witch in English – then in Bahasa – I did just that.

The review that I got from one of the panel was – “It’s seems that it’s natural for you to speak in English. But you can’t speak in Bahasa.” and then I said to them “Well, I speak both. Because I studied in Sydney and normally that conducts in English, I have to speak and pronounce well in English. But I can do both. – for dialect wise, I can study it if you asked me to do it in Bahasa with a dialect.”

then the other panel asked me about my involvement in the church

“Kamu baru join date September 2016 ya?” “Kamu belom pernah ikutan kelas2 kita ya?” “Salah satu syarat untuk join PA ministry adalah kamu harus lulus dulu kelas kelas ini. Menjadikan gereja kita sebagai darah daging kamu dulu, then kamu baru bisa join ministry ini. ”

It came across to me that they don’t know that I’ve been serving in Drama Ministry for 10 years, and that I know things and two about serving God. It also came across to me that I’m new to the ministry – or their type of ministry. It also came across to me that I have to wait for the next batch of audition until I finished all those three classes. It also came across to me that they want me there but they also have the particular standard of their church that they have to follow – that I have to join the classes and finished all those classes first then I can finally join and serve God with their ministry.

I’m shocked.

I stood there and cried.

in front of them.

Like I don’t want to cry but because this audition meant so much for me. I missed serving Him through drama ministry. I missed it so much. And I was sooo eager that gue sampe bela2in buat datang ke gereja jam segitu gak pake telat (yang biasanya telat) demi audisi itu.

I explained to them, that I served Him in drama ministry for 10 years, I also served in Hillsong for three years as one of the tv and backstage crew for Hillsong conference.

but they kept insists that I can’t join them because I haven’t finished all those classes and because I’m still new to the church.

THIS HURTS ME.

BECAUSE I KNOW, IF JESUS KNOWS ABOUT THIS, I’M PRETTY SURE HE’S GOING TO BE MAD AND ANGRY ABOUT THIS.

I thought that I can join their PA Ministry and become active in the church and also joining their classes too alongside with this ministry – but yeah the answer still no.

I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS.

THE FIRST TIME EVER, I WAS REJECTED TO SERVE GOD THROUGH MY TALENT BECAUSE I AM STILL NEW TO THE CHURCH – WHILE MY HEART IS ALREADY WILLING TO GIVE IT ALL TO THIS CHURCH – BUT YET, THEY REJECTED ME.

WTF ?!

Before I left the panel, I said it to them, well I don’t know if maybe there’s next time? I don’t know where God put me next. But maybe if God wants me here – He wants me here so you know .

Then I just left.

I never cried so badly like that – I said to them “Sorry, I didn’t meant to cry. It’s just this meant a lot for me. It’s been hard to find a good church that I could grow and I finally found a good church here and I want to serve Him – but yeah, maybe it’s not my timing now.” – So I left the room immediately, even though I know they still want me there – like they said, “Don’t take it as you can’t serve here. It’s just we have a standard – we have a church standard that we have to accomplished and fulfilled – before you can join us in the ministry. You can join us next batch – We will accept you then.”

MY QUESTION IS – WILL JESUS SAID THIS TO ME TODAY? IS IT A JESUS STANDARD? OR IS IT JUST YOUR EXCLUSIVITY ?!?

Because I have experience what a very good church standard its like. I’ve experienced a church culture that everybody is welcome – That Jesus is the centre of everything – that church has become my home – and maybe part of me crying was because – I’m longing. I’m longing to go back to that church that I called Home. and that rejection made me realize how much I missed Hillsong and it’s culture. And how much I can’t replace it with any of the church here in Jakarta / Indonesia – because every church culture is different – even to those so called Hillsong network church – they have different approach.

That church was talking about “Influence” but is it all just word by word – not words turns into action ?

“I NEVER EXPERIENCED THAT I WAS REJECTED NOT BECAUSE OF MY SKILLS OR MY EXPERIENCE OR MY TALENT BUT BECAUSE I WAS NEW TO THAT CHURCH. THE CHURCH THAT I WAS SO READY TO GIVE IT MY ALL – MY TIME, MY ROOTS, MY SERVICE – BUT YET, THEY REJECTED ME AND TOLD ME THAT I WASN’T MENDARAH DAGING ENOUGH TO JOIN THEIR MINISTRY.”

WOW. JUST WOW.

I don’t want to judged, but WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?

SOMETIMES, AS CHRISTIANS WE FORGOT THAT JESUS IS NOT ABOUT EXCLUSIVITY – JESUS IS ABOUT LOVE – HE LOVES EVERYONE  AND HE DOES NOT EXCLUDE HIMSELF TO THOSE THAT ARE NEW TO HIM – OR EVEN TO US AS SINNERS– HE DIED FOR US ?!

“WHAT WOULD JESUS DO IF HE WAS IN THAT ROOM WITH ME?

HE KNEW MY HEART 

HE KNEW MY PASSION TO SERVE HIM 

HE KNEW THAT I WAS SO EAGER TO SERVE HIM AGAIN THROUGH DRAMA MINISTRY 

AND HE ALSO KNEW THAT I AM STILL NEW TO THAT CHURCH 

AND THAT CHURCH REJECTED ME TO SERVE HIM BECAUSE I WAS STILL NEW? 

CMON, WAKE UP. 

WE ARE LIVING IN THE END TIMES NOW AND CHRISTIANS ARE IN DESPERATE NEED OF FEELING THE REAL LOVE OF JESUS CHRIST – EXPERIENCE HIS MESSAGE – HIS LOVE – HIS MERCY – HIS GRACE 

WHAT WOULD JESUS DO IF HE WAS THERE?

I’M SURE HE KNEW WHAT I EXPERIENCE TODAY. 

I TOOK IT AS ‘OKAY, MAYBE THIS ISN’T FOR ME.’ 

OR THIS ISN’T MY JOURNEY TO TAKE.

IT’S THEIR LOST.

I JUST PRAY THAT THEY WOULD WAKE UP FROM THEIR EXCLUSIVITY.” 

 

After I left the audition room, my boyfriend is waiting for me outside with the water that I asked him. I immediately run to the stairs, where other auditionees were maybe looking at me – because I was holding my tears. I went to the stairs when no one saw me – and I immediately lost all my respect to this church – like I don’t want to do anything about them anymore. Like I was so hurt by the rejection, by their exclusivity – because I had experience what Jesus loves are – I’ve experienced how I grew in a big church like Hillsong and serve Him there without any questions – like they accepted me with open arms, even though I was new there, they welcomed, they hugged, they accepted me for who I am. They’re like my family when I was in Sydney. [Even in London! I haven’t been there yet and planning to go there for my masters, I met one of the Hillsong London church leaders and she already welcome me to serve there wayyy before I arrive?? She said ‘you would be happy there ! We welcome you with open arms! When you arrive, just look for me okay?’ Wow!] And to got a rejection from their so called network in Indonesia – that doesn’t reflect the Hillsong culture that I know and have good experience about it – hurts me like hell.

*I even played “Even When It Hurts – while writing this – lol* 

I cried at the stairs. My bf kept asking me, “Something wrong?” – It was so rare to have him accompany me to an audition – he would normally do his own thing and left me to my occasion – but for this audition he stayed. Then I cried, then he gave me the water that I asked for – “nih airnya” He knew I was crying – I just walked pass him because I was so hurt and angry – and drink the water – He kept asking me what’s wrong and after I asked him for an Ice cream, I told him what happened inside the audition room and he just laughed.

Because he knew it before than I do. He knew that I can’t join their ministry because of the church exclusivity – this church is known for its edgy, young people vibe but yet it’s so exclusive that in order to serve Him you have to have it in your bloods first then you can join them –

I asked him, “Why did you stay? normally you would left me into my occasion? Is it because you have a feeling that something went wrong during the audition?” He said “Yes.” “I had a feeling that you would cry after the audition and that something wrong.”

That is so sweet of him. I drank the water he gave me – it’s like he doesn’t hug me but he gave me water to drink and calm my nerves. Thinking about it right now – it’s like God calms me through my bf voice by giving me water that I asked before? #ThankYouJesus #WhenGodUnderstandYouAndGivesYouWaterToCalmYourNerves

Looking it back, I knew that God doesn’t like this act of exclusivity. Denying an eager servant to serve Him just because I’m still new? Well, It’s not my place to judged this church – I would still attend their classes, their komsel, their services – but maybe not their ministry. Even though I really really want to – but for what?

They even don’t understand what a BA in Dramatic Arts are – they don’t even understand my value, my skills, my talents, my experiences in Drama ministry and theatre – why should I join them then? For what?

If people don’t know your values and what you’re worth at – you should just walked away – because they don’t understand how much values and skills that you would bring to them. You’ll ended up disappointed and it’s better to just walk away than just to waste your energy. Find someone or some community that understand your value and VALUES  you.”  – VnZ Qoutes.

So yeah, It’s their lost.

Maybe it’s not my journey with them.

Maybe this time, God wants me to serve Him for this world, this world outside of the church platform. Just when I finally decided to leave my own church theatre that I created to pursue much more bigger audience – more industrial –

More to like the world world – where people don’t know about Jesus yet – where people doesn’t know about how and amazing His grace are – throughout my creations in arts, my poetry, my skills, my attitude, my talent –> to the unknown rivers – and I’m ready for that.

So yes God,

“Please take this mountain weight, take this ocean tears, hold me through the trial, come like hope again. Even when the fight seems lost, I’ll praise you. Even when it hurts like hell, I’ll praise you. 

So here’s to the unknown rivers – to that unknown journey  – to that behold moments – to that stand in awe and be amazed moments – to that serving You with all I got without any exclusivity – to that rivers, desserts, unknown oceans. I’m here to worship You. You are all I want. 

My heart burns only for You. I will only sing Your praise. 

Take me God, because I’m ready. ” 

Posted in Church Life, Inspirational, My Life Stories

Generosity

Recently, I joined a church in Jakarta, JPCC (Jakarta Praise Church Centre) – I don’t really know the correct abbreviation for that. That week, they talked about Generosity – where it divides into 3 terms.

Time

Money

Kindness / Effort.

So turns out generosity is not just giving money but actually do something  / invest something to others.

In there they talked about how a church volunteer giving their time generously to the church in order to serve the parishes in the church to have a smooth congregation or that time where we give our friend the time and effort to just be there for them or that time where we chip in or buy our friend or even our cats / pets the money to buy their food or pay for their drinks / food.

Things like that.

That made me think and reflect on how I spent my generosity towards others, towards my friends, my colleague, my cat, or to the strangers that I met on the street or the elevator.

Then the next week after the church session, I joined a “Date” group from the church, my cousin P took me in – and there we talked about the church theme this week “Generosity” or “Living Generously” – every body start to share their own stories and what are they still need to improve like which part of their life/ their generosity life that need to be fix or lacking off and need to improve. Is it Time, Money, or Kindness/Effort?

Most of them choose time, like how they’re lacking time to spend with their family, or their friends, or even how they choose to spend time with their friends based on priorities – where we believe we should done it without priorities but investing ourself to everyone we met and needed or long time not having contact.

It was really inspiring on how they choose time or kindness and only few of them choose money.

I guess we all always believe that Generosity comes with Money or giving money to others  and that has been the terms that we live in on our lives. Right?

According to this week session at the church and the Bible – Living generously it doesn’t have to come up with the terms of giving money – but more towards like how do you invest or give your time to others? how do you act and give your self an effort towards helping others?

I took that question into my reflections and lately I’ve been thinking on how I spent time with my friends, giving it my all – my time, effort, and money, but at the end I found out that they are there just to use me or taking advantage of me – which is a bummer –

But I won’t give up on living generously, because God, Himself is already generous with us.

The thing that the preach says that makes me in awe and took it to heart is this:

“We don’t deserve God’s love but yet He still love us. He gave His only Son to pay for our sins.”

Mind blowing!

That means God is investing Himself with us. IN US.

We are humans, with our flaws, imperfection, created by Him – (if you don’t believe God exist or created you, please watch God’s Not Dead 2 ;)) – back to this –

and We made so many mistakes over our lives, that hurt him the most or made Him angry and yet God still love us, He still gives us Oxygen to live in, He still give us food to eat and supply our body, He still gives us everything that we need.

AND most importantly,

HE GAVE HIS ONLY SON, JESUS CHRIST TO SAVED US FROM OUR SINS.

LIKE PAYING FOR OUR SINS.

LIKE DIED FOR US.

LIKE HE WAS BORN TO SAVED OUR SINS AND PAID OUR PRICE OF SIN.

How amazing is that?

If you feel that God doesn’t love you – don’t listen to it –

He loves you SOOOO MUCH !


Now, I write this blog is not to preach you, my lovely readers, but to share with you my experience and what I had been through this past months and couple weeks.

Just now, like this simplest and small thing happened and it does take the example of living Generously and it inspires me to write this post.

So I went down from my apartment unit for lunch and I went back  – I met this guy, who generously waited and hold the door for me so I don’t have to take out my unit card in order to open the door access to the lift.

there I said Thank You!

and it turns out we are on the lift together. We didn’t talked much, we just waited till our floor comes up, then my floor come up.

In my head, I was thinking should i say something to this guy? or just ignore him.

but I choose to say  “Hope you have a good day!” and I left the elevator.

He smiled. Big. then He said “You too!”

That made me think, wow I just made someone smile. and made me think, wow I just generously giving a simple greeting to strangers and made him smile big.

And that made my day.

Simple things like that.

Inspires me.

Like it made me happy.

So there you go!

How do you want to live your life ?

If you feel sad and down, maybe you should start saying hi and greet strangers? or start investing your time, effort, or money or whatever you choose generously.

Hope you have fun in trying it!

God bless !! xx