View on Path
View on Path
#pathdaily I do hope @Path stays open because there are so many great memories here and I don’t want to erase that. It’s been 5 years and more with Path full of memories, just like a journal.
Please stay open #Path 😊❤️ – I haven’t got the chance to enjoy your new features yet….
View on Path
I have been facing so many rejections all my life.
Let it be friends, family, workplace, and so on
It’s like a melody where I don’t belong with others.
It’s like I have this fear of being rejected
It’s like I will go as this happy go lucky amazing awesome person at first
but then after several attempts in getting to know me
they will go away
And there’s that fear again
Hawking and mocking my heart and says
“You don’t belong, they will hate you.”
And every time that sense of fear comes, it’s coming true.
and I hate it every time that fear was right.
My heart start to ponder
Why I don’t belong with others? Why am I afraid to face it? Why I am afraid to tell them what I want?
Why is it so hard to let it go of what I want?
Why am I so stressed out every time?
Knowing that it would fail?
I hate me.
I’m fat now
Numbing my self to all Netflix shows and hoping that everything will go away.
I hate my self waking up at 4PM in the afternoon and still being up and awake at 4 AM in the morning.
It’s not healthy.
I mean, I know it’s not healthy, but why am I still doing it?
Why is it now becoming a routine?
I need sleep
Like a proper sleep
I need to push my reset button again.
I’ve made promise to my self that I would get fit this June.
I did one and two exercises here and there
But why am I still fat?
and I keep postponed things over and over again, like time is my best friend or I’m the owner of time – but it’s clearly not.
I mean I’m almost 30, and I don’t have a specific goal in life – I don’t have many friends
I always have trouble at work
I have so many skills and talent and yet I have no idea how to interact with other people.
Why am I like this?
Why am I always ended up alone, hated, and drained out ?
Why am I worry so much ?
Why acceptance, validation, and recognition is important to me?
Why can’t I be accepted?
Why is society always different than me?
I’m not the same as other people – I’m different like so different that it hurts
Because I will always ended up
But people picked it up one by one
Took picture about it
It looks great at first time
As a sign of symbol of gratitude or appreciation or something
But after all that greatness is gone,
They would just throw the flower away.
Just like me.
I finally taking the steps that is needed in my life.
I just realized I have been living in a stagnant for the past months / years !
Today in church, they were talking about living generously and having the generous mindset.
So after three weeks of non tithing, i finally been able to tithe and it does feels different. #thankYouJesus
they said that if we have a generous mindset and be the person that always giving – it wouldn’t make us depressed / self centred and makes us happy.
So start living generously people!
Give to those who needs it the most – because in fact – the money that we have is the actually the money that we consume / chew / etc – not the money in the bank.
and when we give it to church / mission / to those who really need it – we transfer the money / our wealth to heaven not leaving it behind us when we died – because when we die, that money belongs to the family not to us – lol
The pastor says those things which is really make sense. If we want to bring wealth to heaven – then start living generously and have a generous mindset !
anyway, just want to say that I’ve finally decided to take CORE by NDC.
Since moving to West Jakarta – I have been attending the church for a year now – so it’s a bit weird if I don’t plant my self there lol – and I do like living in this West Jakarta complex because I can just walk to the mall / surrounded by it ! LOL ..
So here’s goes me reseting my self – my life again to the beginning.
I have been focusing on me me and me lately and it’s very depressing
It’s time to give back.
Seriously, this show is literary blown my mind. It’s like everything that I have ever dreamed, imagined, everything like literary!!
So THANK YOU @rachelbloom in making this. It’s literary Genius !!
I knew this show for quite sometime but I haven’t really get into it until lately.
It’s seriously blows my mind.
I mean, I’ve watched so many shows on binged watched mode and none of those shows really made me rolling over, bursting with joy because they just filled the whole / role of my imagination into reality.
For example this video below:
IT’S EVERYTHING THAT I HAVE DREAMED OFF IN A MAN.
I JUST LITERARY MELTED MY SELF TO THE FLOOR WATCHING THIS AND REPEATING TO MY SELF LIKE
“I CAN’T … ”
AND THEN SCREAMING WHILE PACING BACK AND FORTH ‘OMG” “OMG” “OMG”
SERIOUSLY THIS SHOW IS WEIRD BUT REALLY FUN IN THE GOOD WAY.
IT’S LIKE EVERYTHING THAT THE PUBLIC WOULD LIKE ‘WHAT?” BUT THEY JUST DESCRIBING IT REALLY GENUINELY AWESOME AND AMAZING. It’s like watching real life musical. SOO GOOD !
It’s like THANK YOU RACHEL BLOOM !
Okay so I have been having crushes throughout my whole life so I want to list them out – either they’re real or it’s a celebrity crush …
Here they go…..
Grade 5 till Uni Era 2014 – Celeb
3. Joseph Zhang – LOL – this period of crush was a bit weird for me because I crushed on his acting and his character on this movie below – but it’s like the ‘don’t care, but I do care and I show up’ type – yeha….
4. Jean Baptiste Maunier – and i’m friends with him and his cousin on facebook ! (soo cool !)
5. Reuben Morgan – I have this crush with him – he’s a worship pastor / leader – I think i like the idea that he is Godly / man of God – that I didn’t quite get that from my boyfriend – but there’s this time where I was obsessing over him tbh – and I did meet him quite couple of times and it was always embarassing after wards – OMG. LOL.
Junior High School era – Real person lol
2013/2014 Era – Now
Harry Styles – People say I’m obsessed – but I don’t think so – it’s better if you look at this link – so you know all the deeds ! –> Read here: Letters To Harry
NEW CELEB CRUSH ALERT !
Scott Michael Foster – OMG. I just realized that he looks exactly like Reuben Morgan – but I think he’s single lol. So I have this fantasy where the man of my dreams is like Reuben Morgan – i mean, Godly, humble, have that kind of Reuben’s face – and play actor / music / guitar / can sing – and he has all those stuff. Also he’s a pisces ! OMG. I realized this about Scott, when I watched Crazy Ex Girlfriend season 3 today – and the more I search about him, the more I become like OMG. And I just realized that now the benefits of having an Actor / Celeb Crush is actually WAYYYYY BETTER than crushing over Musicians – because what you want to fantasized in – it’s ALREADY THERE ON THE SCREEN – SO YEAH.
AND HERE’S A FEW OF THE EXAMPLES:
Scene from Crazy Ex Girlfriend – Fit Hot Guys
Ok, so you got what I mean right ?? 😀
And all of these men that I ever crushed on – has got qualities that I really want in my life / my husband – that eventually I didn’t really quite get it from my current boyfriend. Maybe that’s why I’ve been having so many crushes on these men – LOL.
BECAUSE if I do list it down – they have similar type / qualities that I want in my life – so that’s really cool.
HOW MANY MEN OUT THERE THAT IS GENTLEMAN ?