Posted in Creative Writing, Journal, Poetry

Flower by Varry

I have been facing so many rejections all my life.

Let it be friends, family, workplace, and so on

It’s like a melody where I don’t belong with others.

It hurts.

It’s like I have this fear of being rejected

It’s like I will go as this happy go lucky amazing awesome person at first

but then after several attempts in getting to know me

they will go away

And there’s that fear again

Hawking and mocking my heart and says

“You don’t belong, they will hate you.”

And every time that sense of fear comes, it’s coming true.

and I hate it every time that fear was right.

My heart start to ponder

Why?

Why I don’t belong with others? Why am I afraid to face it? Why I am afraid to tell them what I want?

Why is it so hard to let it go of what I want?

Why am I so stressed out every time?

Knowing that it would fail?

I hate me.

I’m fat now

Numbing my self to all Netflix shows and hoping that everything will go away.

I hate my self waking up at 4PM in the afternoon and still being up and awake at 4 AM in the morning.

It’s not healthy.

I mean, I know it’s not healthy, but why am I still doing it?

Why is it now becoming a routine?

I need sleep

Like a proper sleep

I need to push my reset button again.

I’ve made promise to my self that I would get fit this June.

I did one and two exercises here and there

But why am I still fat?

and I keep postponed things over and over again, like time is my best friend or I’m the owner of time – but it’s clearly not.

I mean I’m almost 30, and I don’t have a specific goal in life – I don’t have many friends

I always have trouble at work

I have so many skills and talent and yet I have no idea how to interact with other people.

Why am I like this?

Why am I always ended up alone, hated, and drained out ?

Why am I worry so much ?

Why acceptance, validation, and recognition is important to me?

Why can’t I be accepted?

Why is society always different than me?

I’m not the same as other people – I’m different like so different that it hurts

Because I will always ended up

Alone.

Flower

It’s beautiful

But people picked it up one by one

Smell it

Took picture about it

It looks great at first time

As a sign of symbol of gratitude or appreciation or something

But after all that greatness is gone,

They would just throw the flower away.

Just like me.

Posted in byVarry

More of About Me…

I work as Marketing Operational Manager and Dept. Head of Hospitality in Full Color Entertainment. My roles there are normally assisting my boss whom is like a brother to me in everything / ALL ROUNDER and being a hospitality Dept.Head for the artist during music concerts.

With Boyzlife during May 2017 – FullColorParty
I love music. I have them since I was a kid. My first album was Britney Spears ‘Baby OneMore Time’ and Backstreet Boys ‘Millenium’ – My grandma bought my first two cassette as a birthday present for me. Which helped me shaped my life in everything.
And then, I fell in love with Westlife. I was crazy about them. I forced my mother to buy loads of Westlife Album when I was in junior high – I was totally in love with them. My fav was Shane Filan and Brian McFadden.
I chased them, stalked them, and I even go to Ireland for their Farewell tour.

This is the pic where I wished that I’m Shane’s Crew / Hospitality – and it came true! #ThankYouJesus
And then, came One Direction… haha.

btw, I took this pic of Harry in Sydney 2012 😀
I liked them and I used my fangirling in stalking/ chasing skills to get into them and eventually I ran out of money to chase my fav artist and growing up made me think. Wait a minute. I’ve put on so much effort and money in being the fan girl, is this enough? I said to my self, no. I want more.
I want to see what it’s like behind the stage, the production perspectives, the crazy life behind those glam stage lights… and I think it’s time for me to get paid in what I do best, assisting others / helping everyone that is in need, especially the artist.

With Shane Filan in Bandung.. I was the organizer for this Fan Meet 😀!
So I kept on praying and putting effort by using my fan girling skills and just ask around. I gave my boss my number and fast forward to now………
All those years of chasing the artist and hard work pays off.
I am living the dream and I love where I am now. 🙂

Me in the lift about to pick Boyzlife from their Hotel Rooms to go to the venue

2017 – Living the Dream! #ThankYouJesus
————————————
Hi, my name is Vania.
You can call me Varry or VanZ or Vanilla – Idk. 😀
But, if you need my help/my service as your Virtual Assistant, Production Crew, Event Organizer, Stage Manager, Home Cook for you, Actor, Model, Photography, or just a friend – just message me and I’ll get back to you ASAP. 🙂

With my Boss and the Palembang Promotor

Me in Maverick Radio

Me and The Overtunes

Met him in Bali UWRFs 2016 🙂
All the love,
Vania x
Posted in Church Life, Journal, My Life Stories, Personal

It’s time to change !

I finally taking the steps that is needed in my life.

I just realized I have been living in a stagnant for the past months / years !

Today in church, they were talking about living generously and having the generous mindset.

So after three weeks of non tithing, i finally been able to tithe and it does feels different. #thankYouJesus

they said that if we have a generous mindset and be the person that always giving – it wouldn’t make us depressed / self centred and makes us happy.

So start living generously people! 

Give to those who needs it the most – because in fact – the money that we have is the actually the money that we consume / chew / etc – not the money in the bank.

and when we give it to church / mission / to those who really need it – we transfer the money / our wealth to heaven not leaving it behind us when we died – because when we die, that money belongs to the family not to us – lol

The pastor says those things which is really make sense. If we want to bring wealth to heaven – then start living generously and have a generous mindset ! 

anyway, just want to say that I’ve finally decided to take CORE by NDC.

Since moving to West Jakarta – I have been attending the church for a year now – so it’s a bit weird if I don’t plant my self there lol – and I do like living in this West Jakarta complex because I can just walk to the mall / surrounded by it ! LOL ..

So here’s goes me reseting my self – my life again to the beginning.

I have been focusing on me me and me lately and it’s very depressing 

It’s time to give back. 

 

Posted in Theatre

Obsessed with Crazy Ex Girlfriend

Seriously, this show is literary blown my mind. It’s like everything that I have ever dreamed, imagined, everything like literary!!

So THANK YOU @rachelbloom in making this. It’s literary Genius !!

I knew this show for quite sometime but I haven’t really get into it until lately.

It’s seriously blows my mind.

I mean, I’ve watched so many shows on binged watched mode and none of those shows really made me rolling over, bursting with joy because they just filled the whole / role of my imagination into reality.

For example this video below:

IT’S EVERYTHING THAT I HAVE DREAMED OFF IN A MAN.

OMG.

I JUST LITERARY MELTED MY SELF TO THE FLOOR WATCHING THIS AND REPEATING   TO MY SELF LIKE

“I CAN’T … ”

AND THEN SCREAMING WHILE PACING BACK AND FORTH ‘OMG” “OMG” “OMG”

SERIOUSLY THIS SHOW IS WEIRD BUT REALLY FUN IN THE GOOD WAY.

IT’S LIKE EVERYTHING THAT THE PUBLIC WOULD LIKE ‘WHAT?” BUT THEY JUST DESCRIBING IT REALLY GENUINELY AWESOME AND AMAZING. It’s like watching real life musical. SOO GOOD !

another example:

It’s like THANK YOU RACHEL BLOOM !

 

Posted in Theatre

List of Crush (LOL)

Okay so I have been having crushes throughout my whole life so I want to list them out – either they’re real or it’s a celebrity crush …

Here they go…..

Grade 5 till Uni Era 2014 – Celeb

  1. Shane Filan (Westlife)  — I eventually work with him – like what a dream come true!!! 
  2. Brian McFadden – I mean him too.. he still gives me goosebumps / that little girl feel whenever we met and hug him. lol – I work with him too like twice.. 

 

3. Joseph Zhang – LOL  – this period of crush was a bit weird for me because I crushed on his acting and his character on this movie below – but it’s like the ‘don’t care, but I do care and I show up’ type – yeha….

4. Jean Baptiste Maunier – and i’m friends with him and his cousin on facebook ! (soo cool !) 

5. Reuben Morgan – I have this crush with him – he’s a worship pastor / leader – I think i like the idea that he is Godly / man of God – that I didn’t quite get that from my boyfriend – but there’s this time where I was obsessing over him tbh – and I did meet him quite couple of times and it was always embarassing after wards – OMG. LOL. 

Junior High School era – Real person lol

  1. Nanda – I still remember I gave him chocolate over his locker and he was mean – lol / but we’re facebook friends now, and he eventually apologize – so all good 🙂 – 
  2. Luther – Ok, so I met him like really quick ones – only like 3 days – in Melbourne, Australia – during my Junior High Field Trip there – that was really strange times on my self lol 
  3. Liam – I knew him in uni – so it’s like 2013-2014 era … 😀 

2013/2014 Era – Now

Harry Styles – People say I’m obsessed – but I don’t think so – it’s better if you look at this link – so you know all the deeds ! –> Read here: Letters To Harry

2018 –

NEW CELEB CRUSH ALERT !

Scott Michael Foster – OMG. I just realized that he looks exactly like Reuben Morgan – but I think he’s single lol. So I have this fantasy where the man of my dreams is like Reuben Morgan – i mean, Godly, humble, have that kind of Reuben’s face – and play actor / music / guitar / can sing – and he has all those stuff. Also he’s a pisces ! OMG. I realized this about Scott, when I watched Crazy Ex Girlfriend season 3 today – and the more I search about him, the more I become like OMG. And I just realized that now the benefits of having an Actor / Celeb Crush is actually WAYYYYY BETTER than crushing over Musicians – because what you want to fantasized in – it’s ALREADY THERE ON THE SCREEN – SO YEAH. 

AND HERE’S A FEW OF THE EXAMPLES:

Scene from Crazy Ex Girlfriend – Fit Hot Guys

 

Ok, so you got what I mean right ?? 😀

yeah…

And all of these men that I ever crushed on – has got qualities that I really want in my life / my husband – that eventually I didn’t really quite get it from my current boyfriend. Maybe that’s why I’ve been having so many crushes on these men – LOL.

BECAUSE if I do list it down – they have similar type / qualities that I want in my life – so that’s really cool.

QUESTION –

HOW MANY MEN OUT THERE THAT IS GENTLEMAN ?

……

Posted in My Life Stories, Personal, Theatre, Women

Choices.

On June 1st 2018 –

I called up my long term boyfriend to ask him to come over and see me to my apartment in Jakarta.

He usually come and visit me on Friday till Sunday.

But because of my brother has been staying with me recently, he cut the visitation short to only Saturday to Sunday.

Last Friday, I finally got the place to my self again because my brother is staying at my parents house in Bogor.

So I called him up and ask him to come over – like we used to.

We have been having quite busy weekends lately so we don’t really hang out or spent quality time like we normally do. So when I finally got my apt back again, I thought it’s a good opportunity for us to reconnect and really spent good quality time together like we used to.

The day before this call, I have been feeling very lonely and starting to question my relationship and the quality of our relationship so far with him – about how I am the pursuer of this relationship, how he always jokes / tease me about things that is not even funny and sometime it kind of hurt my feelings, how we always fight and I always ended up seeking attention from him and it’s always ends up with me telling him about death threats, suicide attempt, and all those bad impulses – just to get his attention or kind of make him pay / to see that he’s taking me for granted. I guess I’m just tired how I was always the one that asking him to hug or kiss or any kind of love affection first. Like he’s never be the leader of the relationship – like it seems it’s always me who makes the first move and after 13 years of continuous fights, death threats to him, suicide attempts, harsh words, him being passive and not taking any action, or him being putting himself first than me second – I guess, I finally drained up / give up.

If I am a flower or a well, then this flower is no longer blooming  / a well – it’s kind of dry.

Like I need water to fill me in again, I need his affections, attention, first move, leadership, initiative, to make me whole again –

Like I was so desperate looking for his attention even when I was sick – to saying things like ‘YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINK I JUST WANT TO DIE’ ‘SO YOU CAN FINALLY TAKE CARE OF ME WITHOUT ME ASKING ABOUT IT FIRST’ in front of public.

So then I realized, it is time to let him go – like I always fantasized to have more thoughtful partnership / boyfriend  like gentleman who really just care for me and love me deeply without me even asking him to do it.

I realized, it’s not healthy anymore – but at the same time – I do still love him and I believe that every committed relationship needs work – so yeah there’s that.

I feel like when it comes to being angry with him – I can be bipolar and dramatized about it a lot – so I’m not sure who’s to blame on this game.

So then I called – and he says that he is on a holiday but he cannot come to my place. I was upset about it because I realized that

  1. He didn’t tell me about it
  2. I’m not his priority
  3. I’m the one that need him – not the other way around
  4. I’m the one that always pursue / try to make this relationship works / the motor of the relationship
  5. I deserve better
  6. He is a bad influence to my life – like proscanate stuff
  7. I want someone who is able to lead me, challenge me, give me attention / love me without me even asking him to do it first
  8. He’s not honest with his life – like I don’t really know him that well turns out – like what’s his business, what’s the detail about him, why I can’t come to his house anymore, is he cheating on me again? like I don’t trust him anymore after he cheats on 2010, etc
  9. He says that he would come on Saturday morning – but I do know him really well – Saturday morning is Saturday afternoon to sore when he eventually arrive here.

So after he says that he can’t come and several other persuasion from me – he still can’t come and he won’t tell me why.

Then I became furious – and decided to break up with him.

It really hurts. This is like the last and third strike like I became really tired of all this vicious cycle.

like one day he’s great – then it started to become a season of greatness, season of hightened joy and happiness, and the season of neglect, season of super neglectaion, and eventually season of threatneing, and ended up of me being super manic depressive with him –

I can’t remember how many times I want to jump from my unit balcony when I was fighting with him – because I would just give up in facing him – he would be the one that stop me from it – i think i can count it like 7 times or so –

There are times where I can’t hold it anymore and I would just taking on my impulses and show him that I couldn’t care less about my life that I would just jump off from my balcony so he would feel the guilt – or be put in jail or I don’t know – finally realize that he is taking me for granted – just like he’s taking his mom for granted. – I mean just to prove a point.

There was also times – when he didn’t like my bald haircut that he threatens me to break up with me just because I am bold. I mean – hair does grows back right? and i cut it off because it was becoming unhealthy and i need to regrow it – lol

There was also times when I cried really bad emotionally that I shouted and the neighbor was calling the security guy and knock on my doors and asking us – if he hurt me or something

The scary thing about being with him – he is a nice guy – he is quiet in public – he is funny – but when he jokes or tease you around – he doesn’t realize that he hurt you. Theres this one time when he pinch my nose just for gemes / fun and I can hear it click – it didn’t broke – but i can’t breath properly after that – i went to my chiropractor to got it fix few weeks later – he didn’t realize that it does hurt and keep saying sorry but after that he just move on

What I don’t like is – his relationship with his phone. Oh Gawd, it’s like I’m the second girlfriend and he loves reading Facebook A LOT – he’s that social media creeper that doesn’t post anything but he’s there – I feel like I need to lock away his phone so he can put his attention in me.

So after that crazy emotional phone call – I just literary blocked him off everything so he couldn’t call me, text me, or lurking into my social media – i also put it online that I’m breaking off with him.

But it always saddens me when I realized that on Tuesday when he return my car from Bogor to Jakarta, we were fine and we hug, we did say goodbye and my heart was saying that was the last time I could be together with him – and played that over my head.

I started to cry and really feel the broken heart sting – on the heart over Fool’s Gold song by Niall Horan – lol

The break up was public but seriously the next day on 2nd June 2018 – he came to my apartment and we just hug like for long. I was just woken up and we just hug.

When we hug, I feel like the missing pieces of me returns back.

This is what I wanted to share and question and why I titled ‘Choices’

QUESTION:

  1. Based on this story, whose to blame?
  2. I think I need to work with my self respect – so he can learn how to respect me
  3. I don’t think I want to marry him anymore – but then there’s this question of committed relationship on how you have to work through the bad times with your partner because relationship is not always bright and full of joy ?
  4. Love language – as long as we understand our love language – we were fine – but when we missed this out – we are not fine —- so is this means that our relationship is workable?
  5. People say that our relationship is toxic, that I should move on – question is – Am I Toxic or Is he toxic?
  6. I do like going to church with him – it feels weird when I’m alone going to church by my self
  7. He fills the gaps of my loneliness – I’m not really open to my personal stuff to people because I find that they will leave me / hate me behind once they know my weakness / idealism – this makes me feel like I’m not worthy of their companionship and one of the main reason why I don’t want to let my bf go – because I know once I let him go – he would become this MIA / untraceable person. – like he would just gone off forever even when he says that he would be my brother / best friend.
  8. I think i have issues with my mom. She’s like the missing puzzle of why I become like this – like i really need more of her time and communication without me trying to prove that I achieve something or in need of her validation so she won’t feel disappointed in me
  9. My bf has become a long time partner of mine – so it’s not the question of ‘you have to let him go’ or that teenage breakup – he’s been part of me ever since before my dearly oma gone and his mother gone
  10. I want to move on – but how? I still love him – or i can just say ‘I can still love you even I let go… ‘ that kind of qoute from 13 reason why….. 😀
  11. I always picture how my life without my bf now like when he passed away (touch wood) – how would i find my peace? am i going to be okay? are we still together? or he’s married to someone else that i was just his ex who attend his funeral or etc (touch wood)
  12. Is it wrong if i make choices to just stay with him BUT with me becoming less needy and independent like baby step – so he would realize that I also have value ? and letting him be the leader of the relationship? because I know this could happen too.
  13. At the end of the day, the only person who knows this kind of life is me, him, and Him.

so based on this case study or what I tell you – WHAT SHOULD I DO?

I know, typical right?

*inhale*

*Exhale*