Posted in Theatre

The Dream within the Dream

I have been wanting to go back to Sydney since May 2015. It’s been two years, where the month of April / July gave me a good signs that I’m able to go in November 2017 for Sydney.

My mom bought the ticket for me and my sister and I was already making plans of what I want to do while I’m in Sydney.

I even have make the list of things to do for my travels. I was hoping to spent some me time, between me and God in Sydney.

Spending some me time, shopping at Birkenhead Drummoyne, Visited my old campus, walking around Drummoyne bay, meeting my best friends Louie, Yola, and everyone there, looking back at my old apartment,  seeing Drummoyne – Burwood – Town Hall – George St – looking back in the time where I was there for three years,  tasted Lashings burger, Pad thai, Messina Gelato, going to my first Chiropractor doctor, going to Hillsong Church and worship God, feeling the atmosphere again, going and refresh and learn new leadership and creative skills from Hillsong Worship and Creative Conference and etc.

I even pictured my self for everything there and picturing how I was that close to Sydney within my reach. I’ve bought all the medications that I need and prepare for all the prep. I even came back to Bogor for it to sort the finances. I’ve planned to pack things up on 6th November Monday – how I have imagine my days will be like – and how my birthday will be like when I was there with my best friend, Louie.

I thought I’ve sorted my current living situation, my apartment in West Jakarta, that I can extend it for the next year because I love living here, having my own den, my own place – but turns out everything is different and it was last minute.

I have booked all the hotels, shows, events, and everything that I need and want to visit and spend while I’m in Sydney. I even got a three year multiple visa visits for it.

I wanted to speak to my mum since October before she went to Canada and picked up my sister for her gap year. She didn’t want me to continue my apartment contract but I wanted to stay here because everything that I work for is located in Jakarta – so it’s more convenient and close to where I work. I feel more productive here that I have my own space and den to live. That every items that I have in my possession has a place for it. Quite different than living in my parents house in Bogor.

I guess I wanted to live by my self but then financially I’m still struggling.

So when I went home the other day to settle things down financially for Sydney (I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS TRIP SINCE MAY 2015) – I have to hear the harsh truth.

When I discuss things up with dad – whom discussed first the night before with my mum – that we couldn’t afford to paying up my apartment 6 months rent in advance and still have stipend money for Sydney – I was shocked.

Like why don’t you tell me earlier? So I can prepare mentally.

I thought we’ve settled things down with my apartment – where I could stay for another 6 months but turns out we haven’t settled things down.

So I have to choose – Either still going to Sydney and lose my current apartment now – or Cancel Sydney and still have my apartment – or keep both but lose my car.

I mean…. I’m working on a project based and I need my car and apartment for work. Though, I didn’t get enough paycheck to be financially free from parents support / or to live on my own money just yet but I believe that I have a career and a prospects on my current job now. Slow but steady and I love the work that I do. It was a long time dream of mine. I love the friendly environment that I’m in. I love the time of the work that after the projects I can do whatever I want to do. So I’m not tied in to certain rules and it made me be a better person in terms of communication, dealing with people, and also as a bonus – I slimmed down my weight after each projects. haha.

And mum seemed to understand my current job and want to hear about it. which is good.

Anyways, the choices between Sydney trip and my apartment was a tough call.

At that time, I immediately went for it. Like logic over fun. I was thinking with my left brain that my apartment now is more important than spending money in Sydney, where I can use the spending money in Sydney to pay for my rent – because mum would give me a 2000 aud stipend – which mean it was around 20 million rupiah – and the cost of me extending my apartment for 6 months was 41 million rupiah – so I can look for another 20 million loan to pay for the rent.

But now, I’m having some setbacks. I have canceled all my trips, the plane ticket, the non refundable hotel and so on. I’m having setbacks, flashing memories of me going to Sydney and how I’m going to be happy and laugh hysterically with my best friend Louie on my birthday. How I was going to worship God in my home church, Hillsong Church. How I was going to be in Hillsong Worship live recording on the first Worship and Creative Conference – etc.

It really makes me sad.

Every flashbacks, memories, plans….. imagination.

It’s just it.


all those plans and imagination for God knows how long , it was almost come true.

Literary days before I can reach that dream out. Before its coming true.

But now it was just a dream within a dream.

and all of it because of money.

Accurately – it was because poor management of money and cash flow.

I guess I can take this as a hard earned lesson that I have to start be independent and earning my own income and not relying on my parents money anymore.

It was mum that promised to pay for my Sydney trip but she’s also struggling with her own responsibility and I don’t want to burden her with more requests that I should be able to do it on my self actually.

Well, I do strike a deal with my dad that if I cancel my Sydney trip, the 2 million money that I saved up for it, I can use them to pay off the Harry Styles concert ticket in Singapore and I can buy Niall Horan SG concert and Soundcheck tickets for next year because i’ve took the burden off.

but then mum said that she doesn’t have a budget to support me to go to SG for my concert ventures – the same day where I make decision to help my mom and not go to Sydney after all, so I can still keep the apartment. IT was HARD to Take ON. I mean mom, give me a break. Do you know that it hurts and it was a hard decision to make? I just hope that you’d think about me too and allow me to go to Singapore as part of the trade or an exchange.

But because I am an adult now, I guess…… I really really want to do things on my own with my own money without relying on my parents anymore – but still be able to keep doing the job that I like as right now.

Making my own living and my own money. Paying this apartment using my own money.


This flash backs man. It was painful.

Flashbacks of happy memories where I can go to Sydney and wandering off the things that I want to do there..

Makes me wonder if I make the right decision? What if I’m just lazy to move out from my cozy den or afraid of changes or afraid to move back to my parents house where I don’t have my own rules or my own stuff where everything is organized and at its place?

I don’t know man…… it’s puzzled.

The reason I write all my feelings here it’s because I’ve been having this flashbacks for some time now and each time of it makes me wants to go to a shrink just to talk about it out loud.

Each time they appear, this imagination and planning, it hurts. It hurts that I’ve wasted my time and money to plan for Sydney where at the end it doesn’t happen and it was just false hope.

It left me bitter to be honest. Made me sick in my stomach, where I don’t want to see any post about Hillsong or Sydney again because it would reminded me of where I was almost close to arrive in Sydney and spend my full on days there by my self and God.

But oh well…

I believe everything happens for a reason. I don’t know where I can be back and enjoy Hillsong church or conference again but I know for sure, if I want to do that, it has to come from my own money.

Here’s to rainbow on the other side of the road. I believe God has other plans for me that I don’t know of but I believe it’s good for my future.

Because after all when I made that tough decision, it was part of God’s plan right ? It was easy to make at that moment but I didn’t think the consequences of having this flashbacks….

Oh well, I don’t know anymore.




Jesus. #TreatPeopleWithKindness Head of Hospitality @FullColorParty Loves to Write I love concerts, and everything about music Loves to assist and help others I am always prepared for everything Loves to travel but I can't travel light - I've tried tho! :D Feel Free to chat me about things! I'm struggling with anxiety / dark thoughts / brain noise (as Chris Evans might said it :P) - sometimes :)

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