They say that if you are an artist, you don’t have to say it. People would know it.
You don’t have to say that you are it – that you are a writer, a producer, or a theatre practioner – because people will know it.
It’s like there’s this thin line between bragging / excused that you are an artist or a creative person for your certain antics but they also said that doesn’t mean you are it.
It’s been a heavy week for me really, or like a heavy years –
When I write something, a script or a poetry – I feel free – but at the same time I also feel like ‘I’m being judged’ by others – by my self ?
What if I’m not good enough? What if all this attributes that I’ve been saying online on my social media – that I’m a theatre artist doesn’t have the proof / the rights to say that because I haven’t produced like real work to the Indonesian Theatre?
God, I really want to. I saw Albert Camus play the other day with my Kelas Akting Salihara year playing it. When I saw that, I always pictured my self performing my own work in front of thousands of people – producing my own theatre company – having my own theatre studio.
God, I always have that in my mind. Theatre has been my home for so many years. I studied it, I served God’s ministry with it, I have all the skills and tools to create theatre and to contribute the Indonesian theatre scene here.
But there’s always these two things budging me:
Money / Running the business and My Self.
God, I hate my self. I was born as a leader but there’s some things that I really need to fix.
I hate when I started making excuses for my self, being lazy, or not being punctual to a class or something.
I also hate when people see me as this great Vania, with so many potential and skills, but when they got to know me more deeply, they started to back off / went away – because all those great qualities that they see in me starting to fading away when I reveal them my true self.
The egocentric, passionate, work tirelessly like a machine, a self dictator me.
They say I’m a bossy person – that when everything needs to be there, it needs to be there, no question asked.
I guess this is the reason why that I wasn’t comfortable enough to hang out or make friends in such a deep level because once they know my vurnelabilities, they will back off.
They will start making excuses like ‘I don’t think I’m wrong’ or that “I don’t want to listen to them” – while I mean well to them, I was honest, I opened my self up – but that’s where they start to back off.
I feel like there’s this trauma of me that when I’m around with new community or society, I would hang out just to have some fun with them, but after a while I would just back off before they found out my negativity, my vurnerability – and just be independent with my self.
And all of this – is like a vicious cycle. I would never stay in one community for so long, because I know once they found out about my negativity underneath that greatness of me, they would lose respect out of me and starting to hate me and talking about me behind my back.
And other things that I need to fight about:
My lateness. Gosh. I hate my self about this habit.
It’s been with me since I was a kid. No excuse, but I don’t like to wait on people – and it’s like there’s this false universe when I’m on time, everybody is late – but when I’m late everybody is on time. So the solution to that, I would normally measured, does the place / class / people that I go with are a punctual person. If yes, then I can be punctual – if they’re not – they I don’t want to wait on them.
I guess this need to stop. I feel like that memories when I was so excited about going to a music lesson when I was a kid and was so ready for it – then I have to wait on my dad for 2 hours that making me late – and it’s always that memory. I don’t want to blame my dad for it – he has done his best. But somehow that memory is still stuck with me.
Back to why I post this on my blog.
‘Am I a good writer?’
‘Or I’m just making that title to make my self feel better?’
‘I’m not really into reading, but I could try?’
What I know, since I was a kid, I was always like to write and make grafitti on the wall – and I still does that.
Is that making me a writer ? or a planner?
Why am I here on earth?
When I’m useful to people, when God use me for His purpose/ His tools towards others, I feel so extremely happy – like I fulfilled that purpose?
Like that time when I helped my friend with his marriage – I love that?
I love that somehow my coaching, my technique, my writing, my theatre, my advices are useful to people?
‘Am I an artist?’
‘How do I saved money so I can have my own play produced? My own theatre company?’
Why I am contemplting about my life right now?
‘It’s like I have everything, I have every tools, network, support, but I’m lost? Like I’m afraid to move forward because I know that I would have to face the negative side of me that people somehow will see?’
‘Am I good leader?’
‘Can I make a difference in this world? In people’s life? In my friends life?’
‘Am I ruining them?’
It’s like I have every tools, every support that I can get, but in order to get that success or to make my self happy – I have to fight with my laziness / lateness / or that negative side of me ?
And they also said that people who have success is the people who have good relationship or listens to their parents not fighting them?
Gosh, I have so many issues now that just come to the surface.
I think I have good relationship with my parents
Or is it?
I always feel that I’m this unique kid – one of a kind – who doesn’t like being the same as others – and sometimes in my darkest hour – I always feel that I’m this black sheep of my family?
I mean, C’mon – I’m like almost 30 but I’m not financially independent yet? I’m still hanging on to my parents??
What Kind of A Child I AM?
and one more thing, there’s this sense where I can’t be consistently good enough in doing what I do because I’d always running off a fuel because I was so eager to get it done the first time with full speed, with full energy, and then after a while my goodness or energy went down and I became my own worse enemy / I become the opposite of goodness?
There’s also this power / this ability to predict what would happen if they didn’t do it my way – because there’s always this six sense / intuition that would happen and I would know and when I try to tell them or to have them avoid it – I can’t explain why and they ended up making that mistake while I’ve already try to tell them that would happen?
It’s like there’s so many things that i would know in advance but people wouldn’t want to hear me until it happened? I guess that’s the reason why I can’t just be relax, and that they have to do it my way, because my way is always better / perfect ? – and it’s like when they didn’t do it – or missing something – even it’s just a small portion – I would feel that’s because of I’m not there?
Again, back to being useful for others.
And sometimes, A HELL LOT OF TIMES – I was so kind, like a caregiver, I care about others more than I should – they would use me for their advantage? and I kept losing and losing and losing into that trauma – into that vicious cycle again – and GOSH, I LOATHE FAKERY.
I hate fake and toxic people – they belong in hell.
Why? because I’ve opened up my self to them, I’ve been true everytime to them, and they’re just hiding underneath that mask – and said okay in front of me – but behind my back they’re just fake? or talking about me behind my back?
What did I do that make them turned me in like that?
They used me, they spread negative words about me, and they think they know me and my struggles, but they don’t???
God, i hate my self. and I hate fake people.