Posted in Theatre

One Vicious Cycle.

These past few weeks I had been through ups and downs – and found my self living in constant fear just to be honest with you. But I don’t want that fear to live with me or overpowering me – it’s just made me realise something.

That I always be the one that is different, individual, against one culture, and I’m just being me.

I mean, its that wrong? That you know who you are , your flaws, your strength, your capabilities. Is it wrong that you are honest with your self?

You see, I thought I found one awesome family, one awesome community, but turns out as the time past, that community starting to judged me and even threatened my life and my career! I mean, WHO DOES THAT??! even if they didn’t mean it, but WHO DOES THAT?!

I remember there is this one time that I cried because I did something terrible to the community but that was because I wasn’t aware and my director didn’t communicate with me with what he wants so I begin to cry because it was apparently really bad.

I cried not because I feel sorry – yes I did, i feel sorry, but I cried because I knew, after all this over, they would judged me and they would slowly step back from my friendship cycle and deleted me on their friendship list for no apparent reason and It’s always like that.

I think that’s my vulnerable side.

This vicious cycle starts like this:

  1. Getting to know each other, then I would probably the ones that create one bad first impression like me being fall – or things fell – or I said the wrong things that I didn’t mean to be like that.
  2. We get along,,, we had fun,, I started to trust them ..like really trust them and comfortable in my own skin – like showing them my true side and to gain trust from me it’s hard, once i open my self up, then we are really really good mates or being friends… i asked them to hang out and stay over at my place, helping them, etc
  3. then after a while, once I open my self to them,, they started to slowly moving away from me – without me knowing what’s wrong or being aware of the things that I did wrong – because I didn’t feel like I do anything wrong with them or whatsoever –
  4. they started talking about me behind my back and started to group themselves out without me being there or with me being secluded
  5. then I closed my self up, wounded, feeling betrayed, pain, and become a system – where I don’t want to feel the pain and just ignore the pain or the feelings and just work work work – do things that i should be doing and closed my self and not opened my self to the public. Anymore.

That is why I SUPER HATE FAKE PEOPLE.

Because if you HAVE  A TRUE FRIENDS quality, YOU WILL NEVER:

  1. TALKING ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK
  2. THREATHENED MY LIFE AND MY CAREER
  3. BEING TIRED OF THE GROW PROCESS THAT WE DO TOGETHER THAT MAKES US GROW

Let’s be honest here,

There is a reason why God built me as an Individual, different than others – I can hangout in groups or be inside one group, but I can’t do things in groups. I am better do things with my self and get things done alone rather than goes to the toilet together with your girlfriend or something like that. That’s because I am so used of being alone and not do things in group – I never had any gang chick clicks or something like that. I am alone, i am sad, and everything I dealt it with my self and with HIM. So if I don’t function well in groups then thats not your place to judged or say because I believe every human being in this earth has its own reason and tough life experience of why their character is like that.

This doesn’t mean that I’m not open to change.

Yes I will try to change and fix my flaws, but then again YOU ARE NOT THE JUDGED OF THAT.

YOU HAVE YOUR OWN FLAWS AND I ACCEPTED IT – WHY CAN’T YOU ACCEPT THAT I ALSO HAVE FLAWS LIKE YOU DO??

YOU CAN’T JUDGED OR GIVE TIME WHEN THIS PERSON CAN CHANGE WITH WHAT THEY FLAWED AT BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS A PROCESS –

I REPEAT,

EVERYTHING IS A PROCESS. AND ITS ONLY FROM HIM, JESUS – WHO HAVE THE ONLY RIGHT TO GUIDE ME AND CHANGED ME – NOT YOU.

Yes, you can tell me, as many times as you like, I WILL APPRECIATE THAT IF YOU TELL ME STRAIGHT – FACE TO FACE – EVEN THOUGH MAYBE SOME OTHER TIME, I WILL DO THAT MISTAKE AGAIN – AND AGAIN AND AGAIN – BECAUSE I AM NOT PERFECT, SO DOES YOU.

THAT IS WHY I AM SAYING, YOU CAN’T TIMED ME OR DEADLINED ME THAT I HAVE TO CHANGE AT THIS CERTAIN TIME OR YOU WILL KILL ME OR THREATNED MY LIFE OR SOMETHING – JUST BECAUSE I HAVEN’T IMPROVED OR SOMETHING BASED ON YOUR JUDGEMENTS OR IN YOUR EYES.

I MEAN, DO I LIVE BECAUSE OF YOU? DO I BREATH BECAUSE OF YOU?

NO, YOU DON’T GIVE ME LIFE, YOU DON’T GIVE BREATH OF AIR

SO YOU DON’T HAVE THE RIGHTS TO THREATENED ME OR SAY IN FRONT OF EVERYONE THAT YOU WILL RUINED MY LIFE OR MY CAREER OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT

BECAUSE THAT WORDS ONLY COME OUT FROM A PERSON WHO LIKES TO SUCK EVERYONE ON THEIR ASSES, TRY TO BE GOOD WITH THEM, HAVE THEM ON YOUR SIDE TO HATE ME OR SOMETHING I DON’T KNOW I CANT JUDGED, AND PERHAPS TALKED ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK –

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT,  I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG, AND I WILL ALWAYS BELIEVE THAT THE TRUTH WILL SET ME FREE – BECAUSE I HAVE JESUS ON MY SIDE. AND GRADUALLY WILL SEE THE TRUTH.

SO I THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO DO THIS TYPE OF THING ON ME –

THANK YOU FOR CHALLENGED ME SO I GROW AND BE THAT STRONG WOMEN

THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME BE MORE CLOSER TO HIM

THANK YOU FOR OUR PAST FRIENDSHIP – I HAD A BLAST AND NOW IT’S TIME TO LET YOU GO.

TO LET IT ALL GO

AND MOVE ON.

GOD BLESS !


 

This blog post was a long over due, I got threatned by someone who I knew and they doens’t have the rights for it – nor giving me fear – so I challenged you, if you are being bullied or threatned like me, stand up for your self and hang on to Jesus / God – because He is the only one that believes and know your strenght and flaws inside and out wihtout questions.

He is on your side.

Chin up! Forgive them and Let’s move on.

Stay strong xx

 

 

 

 

Author:

Jesus. #TreatPeopleWithKindness Head of Hospitality @FullColorParty Loves to Write I love concerts, and everything about music Loves to assist and help others I am always prepared for everything Loves to travel but I can't travel light - I've tried tho! :D Feel Free to chat me about things! I'm struggling with anxiety / dark thoughts / brain noise (as Chris Evans might said it :P) - sometimes :)

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